Taken in Oregon.
For the Ragtag Daily Prompt: bubbles.
Taken in Oregon.
For the Ragtag Daily Prompt: bubbles.
Dress up and castle time and discussing the parts they would play, many years ago in my house.
For the Ragtag Daily Prompt: imp.
Dinosaur Dreams
The problem
With Intelligent Design
Is those old bones
Those dinosaurs
Also that of 10,000 dreams of creation
One would be right
And the followers of all the others
Consigned to hell
If so, I go gladly, clutching
Dinosaur bones to my chest
And will enjoy the diversity
Not the narrow heaven with a narrow
Small-minded deity
But is evolution right?
Well, I think it’s on the right track
But wholly done and all correct?
After all, think how often
Medicine has been wrong
Think of tobacco and vioxx
Think of Galen, over 2000 years ago
Thinking that evil humors built up in the uterus
Causing hysteria
External pelvic massage was the cure
For over 2000 years
For old maids, widows and nuns
Who had no male to cleave unto
Massage was a treatment into the early 1900s
And now we wonder about prozac too
Evolution is an evolving science
I think of when my son was four
And he watched “Jurassic Park”
Against my wishes
Because I thought it was too violent
He studied it carefully many times
One day he asked me, anxiously,
“Mom, is DNA real?”
To check that it wasn’t another of those Santa stories
I was able to reassure him
Yes, I think DNA is real
He was pleased
A few days later he announced
That when he grows up
He wants to be a plant and animal scientist
Extract DNA from amber
And grow those dinosaurs
A laudable ambition
For any four year old
If God left the dinosaur bones
Around to fool us
And they never lived
She has a nasty sense of humor
And my son and I will not forgive
I believe in evolution
And dream of dinosaurs
written in 2009
Disclaimer: I am not Native American. I am not male. I did not live here when the ships arrived. I wrote this thinking about a dream a friend told me, about a bear. So it’s the fault of a dream bear, this story.
One
I am wailing. I am crying. The Bear came today, our bear, the tribe’s bear, our Spirit.
But he didn’t just walk through camp and take fish and his tribute.
He took my son.
He walked right up to where my wife stood still, as we must when he comes, and he lifted the boy in his paws. The boy was quiet and still, he did well, he was brave, but when the bear turned to leave, he called once.
Then our bear dropped to three legs, my son in the fourth, and turned and left.
My son, my son, my heart, my joy. Spirit Bear, return him to me!
Two
We fought, argued, for a very short time. The Shaman said that if Spirit Bear wants my son, he shall have him.
He does have him, I said, but I want him back. The Shaman knew that was true. Some shook their heads and say that my son is already dead, but most agreed with me. We were on the trail nearly immediately. The bear should not be able to move as quickly as usual when he is carrying my son. I dread evidence of my son’s loss, that he will be eaten. But that has never happened, in the history, in the songs. The Shaman said as much. But neither has a bear taken a chief’s son.
Three
Spirit Bear is moving amazingly fast on three legs. He is headed for the mountains. Not a surprise. My son may get cold. But bears are warm. My son has not been eaten.
Four
We have to make camp. I am so angry that we have not caught Spirit Bear. Out of our home camp he is fair game.
We do the Bear Dance, four times. We did not bring the masks and the young men dance the women’s part and one sings the woman’s part. We made quick rough masks and costumes. The Spirits will forgive us. This is past all understanding.
What does a Spirit Bear want with my son? Four years. No one knows.
Five
Day again. I am up before dawn praying for light, for my son, to find the Spirit Bear.
Six
We are hot on the trail. We find that Spirit Bear did sleep and rest. My son is dropping beads. Smart boy. Each bead means that he is still alive and relatively unhurt.
Seven
We have spotted them. Spirit Bear stood and looked down at us, my son tucked against his side. My son very slowly raised his arm, so he knows.
Eight
We are approaching the peak. Everyone is tired from the climb and hungry and thirsty. Yet we keep going. No one complains.
Nine
We reach the peak and Spirit Bear and my son. We arm our spears and arrows, but my son shouts “No! Look!” We turn. We see the water. There is something in the water. It has tannish wings that are filled with wind. It is huge compared with our boats.
We turn to my son. He stands and Spirit Bear leaves, ambling down the mountain, quickly, gone. I hurry to my son, sweep him up. He starts shaking and then cries, leaning his head into me.
We turn and watch the tan winged thing, which is coming against the wind. It comes at an angle and then turns, to the opposite angle, yet still it comes. We know this is new and that there can be terror or joy, we do not know which. There will be learning, we know that.
My son falls asleep. We carry him down to water and camp. We are all singing quietly, the song of new things, fear and joy. The Shaman will welcome us when we are home, and we will prepare for the winged thing. We do not know what it will bring.
We thank the Spirit Bear for warning us, for telling us to prepare.
I dream a night sky thick with stars
all the stars start falling
I think “That isn’t good.”
sore afraid
all the stars are angels falling
I think “That isn’t good.”
sore afraid
an angel falls close past me
in space
face at perfect peace
I think “Why do they fall?”
sore afraid
I am falling in space
head down
no earth beneath me
with the angels
crying, imperfect acceptance
sore afraid
I wake
I put the dream away
it comes back
in a decade
I write about wings
sore afraid
I try to understand
sore afraid
I am asked what my small self
my child self
wants
wings
I say yes
no longer
sore afraid
did you hear the bell?
yes
hold me, Beloved
hold me
I long for you
to be reunited with you, Beloved
to return to you
it is the children who hold me
here
the children
my children, grown
the hope of grandchildren
the damaged children
the new and young children
the old children in adults
who are so sad
it is the children who hold me
here
sometimes I am so sad, Beloved
I long for you
I do and I don’t
long for you
to call me home
and hold me
I know
that you hold me, Beloved
every moment
even when I cannot feel your touch
I know, Beloved
you will call me home
and hold me
now and forever
in your infinite embrace
It is easy with you
All the places you’ve been offended
Where you haven’t been treated right
A bike shop
Food co-op
Coffee shops
Restaurants
It’s easy to hide my physical body
Where you can’t find me
But what of my mind and heart
You always feel it when I go
I go to the Beloved
I give up
I cast myself into the abyss
Grief, denial, loss, bargaining, abandonment, hopeless grief
I throw myself over the cliff
Over and over
I resist
And then let go
It’s not wings
Because the cliff is a waterfall
I don’t want wings
And the Beloved laughs
Wings form
I refuse to fly
I won’t I won’t I won’t
I fall towards the water
Each time I wonder
If this time the Beloved will not shift
I hit the water
Safe again
Scales and tail
And I can breathe
And swim free
To the sea
The first poem in this trilogy was written in 1984. The next two were written twenty years later. Like ouroboros, the snake eating its own tail.
The first poem popped into my head while I was thinking about flowers. The second two were both problem poems. Most of my poems are problem poems: I sit down with a problem that I am working on and start writing about it. I do not know where the poem is going to go and I am always surprised. And it often goes somewhere that I don’t expect. Often it is a map for where I aspire to go emotionally, but usually I am not there yet when I finish the poem.
It seems to be one of my irritable days
They come rolling round in the month of May
I don’t feel friendly and don’t want to play
It seems to be one of my irritable days
It seems to be one of those days when I’m mad
At nothing particular. I feel really bad
I hate those damn tourists who always wear plaid
I really intensely dislike feeling sad
I haven’t felt quite this bad since last year
But I’m not one to cry. I don’t like weak tears
I’m not one to let myself feel any fears
I haven’t felt this bad for almost a year
It seems to be one of those days when I’m mad
I think I’ll go pick a nice fight with that lad
He looks too damn happy and just too damn glad
When I’m punching his lights out I won’t feel so sad
It seems to be one of my irritable days
Going to work on them just doesn’t pay
My boss’s revenge just goes on for days
Today it’s so bad that I can’t even pray
Helen Burling Ottaway, my mother, died May 15, 2000. I wrote this poem in the early 2000s. Her birthday was May 31, right near Memorial Day. Mother’s Day always falls near her death.
I am putting up a series of poems that I titled Falling angels, after a dream, where all the stars in the sky started falling. I was frightened and then realized that they were all angels. Then I was more frightened.
I think we need poetry and dreams and angels during this difficult time. Even if the angels are all falling.
I took the photograph of my mother. A friend loaned me his 35mm camera and I took one roll of pictures and gave the camera back to him. Almost all of the photographs I took were portraits.
I woke three times last night.
With the poem “There was a little girl” in my head.
It starts like the real poem, but then it changes. Three times. It starts three times and each version is different.
I nearly got up the first time to write it down, but I nailed it solidly into my memory and went back to sleep.
Twice more.
The third time I think I dreamed the poem and then I am on a golf course. I am playing golf with President Obama.
“It’s really windy today.” says the president. He is cheerful and smiling.
I am calm even though I suck at golf. There is no one else around and it’s sunny and beautiful and windy.
“Let’s play the course in a different order,” says the president. “Let’s avoid the wind. I know you can hit it any distance, but let’s go in the order that is shortest and easiest. So we will tee off from one but hit it to the flag on two.”
There is no one else on the course. And it is beautiful. And I suck at golf anyhow and what the hell? It is not conventional but when have I EVER bothered with that.
I nod yes
and wake up with his smile in my memory.
BLIND WILDERNESS
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