Two days ago I am at a friend’s house. I am encouraged to go through a couple drawers, since my OCD ADHD is acting up. I open a cigar box and find… matches. Beautifully arranged. Color abstract.
I wrote this poem in 2014. Sometimes you know things without knowing them. Or you know them before you are ready to know them and so…. you forget.
I think you said
And you told them how.
You told them my weaknesses
and my strengths.
You told them that I twisted your words.
You said, “You twist my words.”
K said, “You twist my words.”
S said, “You twist my words.”
Ko said, “You twist my words.”
and on everything2
they, too, twist my words.
When the outer is charming and perfect
the damage is inside.
I wear my spikes on the outside.
No one, to date, has been allowed more then
No one except
and my children
and all children.
Only they are allowed inside.
I am broken.
But I was always broken and knew it.
I hope that no one cut their hands
when they tried to smash me.
Pretty on the outside
deadly on the inside.
Yet I think a spark in you said,
What you didn’t tell them
is that I don’t bother to lie
because no one listens anyhow
no one ever listened
and so I can always tell the truth
until they stop listening.
because they don’t believe me
but you knew
I tell the truth
And I was already broken.
And this should connect to this: https://drkottaway.com/2014/11/
Anyone can report to the VAERS system.
Doctors may be a bit nervous about reporting covid-19 reactions. Doesn’t matter. You can report on your own.
That being said, I don’t recommend reporting if you feel like crap for a couple of days after the second shot. If it is severe, you need an ambulance or it goes on for more than say, five days, report.
The first shot is about 80% effective. So, 4 out of 5 people are protected, and 1 in 5 doesn’t take. After the second shot, about 95% are protected. That means 1:20 is not.
So if you responded to the first shot, you will have an antibody response to the second shot. I ran a fever of 102 for an hours and cancelled my day of work and the next day. You could have fever, chills, muscle aches, joint aches, whatever. Take a hot bath or sauna or hot tube, because you can sweat the antibodies out.
I would report reactions that last more than two days or are severe. You can fill the form out yourself online and send it to the CDC.
For the folks refusing the vaccine: Hello. Are you going to have covid-19 parties to infect each other? If you do and you get covid-19, I can tell you that I am glad I am not your doctor. Also I don’t want you in my house. I don’t want to be around you at the Farmer’s Market either. And I think that once everyone has had the opportunity to get the vaccine, if you refuse and get covid, you might have to pay your own doctor and hospital bill. Yeah, that is what I think. And if it bankrupts you: well, you had the opportunity to get the vaccine. Why should insurance have to pay? Or you might die. Death rate for world is holding at 2 out of 100. In the US it’s “only” 1.78 out of 100. That is a fungkload. It’s a lot of people. Choose not to get your vaccine and you could be one of them. I just found out this week that a friend from medical school died in November: age 59. Do not tell me it’s all 80 year old “who would have died anyway”. Each of us will die anyway and I don’t want to die of covid-19.
I took the photograph in medical school: it’s my fellow doctor who was found to have covid-19 after he died suddenly, age 59.
My parents’ time warp Beatnik household, 1978, before I went to be an exchange student in Denmark.
We had a German exchange student living with us. She had been placed with a couple with no children, a military family, and was unhappy. My parents agreed that she could move in with us for the rest of her year. I decided to apply as an exchange student. I have not heard from her in years. Blessings, where ever she is.
I miss you.
I am home sick and it looks like it will be a long haul. Months. Sigh.
Anyhow, I am going through photos and found this. I do not know who took it, I don’t think it was me. I have my parents’ photos and they had my maternal grandparents’ photos, or at least it seems like it. Anyhow, I am floating in a sea of pictures.
I love this one. She is so happy.
Hope you are that happy now, sisty.
Music: William Prince
The photograph is me and my younger sister on our mother’s lap.
I have a collection of mother/child art. I think it’s because I was born in a tuberculosis sanatorium, because my mother coughed blood at eight months pregnant, and I had to be passed around while she got well. I went back to her at nine months. I acted pretty independent at that point and was not very trusting of adults.
I am taking photographs of the mother/child art for this part of my blog.
I can’t attribute this photograph. I don’t know who took it. Both of my parents and my sister are dead, so I cannot ask.
It might have been my grandfather, but I don’t know.
My sister died today in 2012, of cancer. I am missing her today.
I am missing all sorts of things. I miss Mordechai, our clinic plastic skeleton. I wish I kept her.
Can’t keep everything.
Thinking of you, Mordechai. And the others.
For the Ragtag Daily Prompt: tracery.
This is the dream that wakes me this morning. Before I went to sleep last night I asked for a dream. It’s when I am writing the dream out this morning that I realize that it’s my sister’s birthday. She died of cancer in 2012. Memory and dreams as tracery.
I am in a group of people on a platform. It is dark around us. It reminds me of a platform from a ropes course. In the ropes course we had to balance it. A rectangular platform on a log roller, held somewhat at the corners to keep it from dumping us entirely. A group version of a balance board. The trick is really that everyone has to stand still and only one person moves, very small amounts, until it is balanced.
But we are dancing in the dream. We are dancing, but people are uncomfortable. I am not sure why. Perhaps because we were dancing all together but individually and now there is a couple dancing. I realize that people are halting, worried.
I want them to be comfortable. I gesture to an older man. He comes towards me. His wife is there. He and I start dancing but I realize right away that this doesn’t make people more comfortable. They are less comfortable and even the other couple dancing stops. We are lit from above with darkness all around. No spot light follows us, so we move in and out of the light.
As soon as I realize that nearly everyone is uncomfortable, I stop my partner. He is an excellent dancer but that is not what is important here. I move with him back towards his wife and I sit on the platform. They sit as well. The other people around us relax. That is what they want, to sit, to talk quietly, to listen. That is what will make everyone comfortable. The others are settling around us, relieved.
I wake up.
On Sunday I go on a long hike with my visiting son and daughter, out North Beach. We see three eagles in trees and then the reason. A dead octopus on the beach, large. A sea gift of protein. Four more eagles and other birds soared while people were close. Returning, this juvenile bald eagle is on the beach, happy with this meal. The speckled feathers changing from juvenile to adult are quite gorgeous. I want to go in the sea and meet our giant pacific octopus, too, some day.