admit deny

For mindlovemisery’s prompt: opposing forces. The prompts are admit/deny and presence/absence.

The pairs bring up my current sadness right away. I am struggling with the realization that we have a pervasive legal substance that works at the opiate receptor, is all over the US, and I have to send out urine tests for ALL of my chronic pain and opiate overuse and anyone on any controlled substance. You say, “but it’s legal”. I say, “Overdose and death risk. I can’t ignore it.” Here is the resulting poem.

admit deny

admit to yourself you deny your addiction
the presence of the drug means the absence of the one I love

 

slow deep

on the rocks, the canadian shield, old rock
rock that extends for miles and miles
water cupped in the rock
cupped like a hand, holding a lake

you say
You seem so deeply at peace

I say
No, I am not at peace at all

then I say
Yes, in the depths I am at peace

like the lake

the surface is all weather
glassy sometimes
then surface chop
then rain singing and bouncing
then waves crashing on the shore
reflecting the sky
light, dark, blue, the green of trees
pale pink in the morning
or orange and blue with the setting sun

the depths change slowly
not that slowly
in the fall the water temperature drops
to 4 degrees
and the lake turns over
all the 4 degree water dropping into the depths
and the warmer water rises
until the whole lake is 4 degrees and most dense
and then the surface freezes
the ice is lighter and floats on top
until it is solid and deep
and the lake winters over

in the spring the ice melts
and the ice breaks up
and the lake rolls over again

my surface is choppy with emotion
memories
grief and joy

my slow depths turn over

and there is deep peace

the ocean is never calm and still, but the depths are very different from the surface

Come in

It’s an ocean
Big enough for us all
Float under the bridge with me
Or wander out to distant ships at sea
Stay on the surface
Or come down in the depths
Leap out and crash back in whale form
Or surf the wake of a boat
Or in the waves to catch a fish
Storms come and rain and rainbows
Sky with clouds lightening sun stars
Climb a rock or lighthouse or cliff
Or stand on a boat
But then return oh love return to the sea

___________

from 2015

All the things she had at one point wanted to be

someone said

we all contain all the archetypes

which archetype do you reject?
you say no, I contain no mother no father
no murderer no priest
rich woman poor woman beggar woman thief
doctor lawyer indian chief

princess is the role I reject
as a child as a girl
fearing to be used
fearing to be taken
wanting to be mine not his
not his ever
not chattel
not property
not owned

divorcee is a role I reject
realize I scorn it
then turn my face from abuse
and embrace it fully

lonely is hard
alone is easy

what is the difference?

my uncle says
I’ve never been alone before
I’ve always been the most
important person in someone’s life before

at least he thought so

which archetype do you reject?

we all contain all the archetypes

all the stories
all the stories that we know
if the only story that we know
is of poverty and despair
and hiding and war
discrimination and hatred
while the lighted box shows happiness
elsewhere while we suffer

the arch of the rainbow
may not be a story
that can be imagined

all the stories that we know
and tell

tell

_________________________________________________________________________

I will add this to the Ragtag Daily Prompt #54: reflection. Because it fits.