rural doctoring

I read Grampa’s Solo Visits this am and it makes me laugh.

Since I have been a family doctor in my town of 9000 for 22 years, the grocery store and coffee shops can be interesting. When I moved here, my daughter was two and my son was seven. We have three grocery stores. I usually go to the one 7 blocks from my house. I would see patients. My diabetics would sometimes look guilty and scurry away when they saw me. Another patient comes to peer in my cart.

“I want to know if YOU are eating healthy food.” he says.

I laugh.

“I don’t see any vegetables.” he says.

“I am in a CSA,” I say. “I get a box from the farm once a week.”

He frowns. “Do you get to choose?”

“No,” I say. “But since I hate throwing vegetables out, we eat more vegetables. Also, we eat ones that are unfamiliar. The first time I got celery root, I had to look it up. I didn’t know what it was.”

He nods. “Hmmm. Ok. We want to be sure you practice what you preach.”

I laugh again. “I sneak in to get the ice cream at midnight, ok? And where is YOUR cart?”

“My wife has it,” he says. “You don’t get to see it.”

“Ok, then. Have a great day.”

When we were first in town, occasionally someone would come start talking about their health in a store.

“I can’t discuss your health in front of my children. HIPAA.”

“Oh,” they’d say, “Uh, yeah. I should call the clinic Monday?”

“Yes, please.”

We had a coffee shop that made the best pastries that I’ve had since I was an exchange student in Denmark. I wished they’d make tiny pastries, bite size, for the diabetic folks. Those folks would slide a newspaper over their plate when I walked in with my family. They looked terribly guilty. I might nod, but I wouldn’t say anything. Sometimes they would confess at the next visit.

There are lots of jobs in small towns where people are very much public figures. Not just doctors, but the people who work for the city and the county, the ones who redo the taxes for homes, the realtors, all sorts.

After I was divorced, another doc at the hospital asks, “Dating someone new?”

I frown, “How do you know?”

She grins, “He lives on my street. I saw you.”

Dang it. The rumor mill is very very efficient and can often be fabulously wrong. That time it was correct, though I don’t think she passed it around. Other people live on the street.

A few days ago someone that looked familiar walks by me. “What are you doing with so-and-so?”

I laugh. “Rumors abound.” I say. “You would not believe the rumors!”

I took the photograph of the coyote yesterday, driving home. Stopped dead in my lane, no one else on the road. People will be stopped in the road here, talking to each other in two cars going opposite directions, or talking to a friend on foot.

Normalizing our behavioral health response

I keep seeing headlines: MENTAL HEALTH IS WORSE. TEENS ARE STRESSED. ADULTS ARE STRESSED. DRUGS AND ALCOHOL AND DOMESTIC VIOLENCE ARE UP.

Like they shouldn’t be? This isn’t news. It is expected, because we are in a pandemic, the death rate is up, people are frightened, the scientific news changes daily and now we add a war.

OF COURSE PEOPLE ARE ANXIOUS AND STRESSED. And when stress goes up, substance “overuse” goes up too. Add fenanyl to the mix and the overdose death rate is up. Should I call it the “overuse” death rate to be politically correct? I do think that it is stupid to stigmatize “overuse”. But I also do not like the term “overuse”. Addiction may be stigmatized, but to me addiction means the drug or alcohol or gambling has taken over the person’s brain and it is the addiction that is lying to the person and to me. It makes it much easier for me to watch for relapse if I think of it as the habit or substance in control. There is no stigma there: the person is deeply ill and needs help. Part of the help is recognizing relapse. I look for signs.

With behavioral health we learn to watch for signs. The latest guidelines say that we should screen for behavioral health problems at well people visits. One in ten people are depressed and the lifetime incidence is higher.

The online and news articles sound surprised that there is an increase in behavioral health problems. Why would anyone be surprised? We have evolved emotions along with logic and emotions help us to survive. If you are a child in a war zone or a family with abuse or domestic violence, your brain wires to survive the crisis as best you can. These are ACE scores, Adverse Childhood Experiences. Every child’s ACE score is going up during the pandemic. Adults can develop PTSD, depression, anxiety: of course. This is how our species survive. It isn’t FUN but it is not a disaster either. We can help each other. We can listen to each other. We may have to say “I can only listen to this for ten minutes,” and set a timer. There was a cartoon with a father with a stop watch. The daughter is complaining as fast as she can. He stops her: “There. You have had your one minute of whining today.” Limit the news if it is driving you bananas or you feel more depressed or frightened. Turn off the television: if you live in a safe place, go for a walk. I have goldfinches and pine siskins arguing with each other in my front yard. The cats are hugely entertained by this. The cats only go out with harness and leash. I may need to follow Sol Duc up trees. She leaped on top of the outdoor cat cage yesterday, four feet up. I was surprised. No wonder they can catch birds: from a stand to four feet up and she is about ten months old. And see? We are distracted by the cat and relax a little.

If you are not trying to escape a war zone or something else horrible, give yourself the gentle gifts: things that make you relax. Stupid cat videos, old music, reread a beloved book, a gentle walk outside. Yesterday I “walked” Elwha. He spent the whole walk sitting on the porch watching the birds. Two birds landed in the grass and he immediately morphed to hunter, but was still on a leash. I saw a pair of robins in the back yard. One was holding something in her beak. A gift for the other? Nest building? Nestlings already?

My other go to is the trees. I go lean on a tree when I feel overwhelmed. The trees do not seem to mind. Rocks don’t either and I am very grateful.

Blessings.

Our rhododendrons are blooming.

#ACE scores #behavioral health #emotion #fear #normal emotional response

Stages of Peace Playlist I

Dang, I’ve got a lot of stages. So it is a long playlist! I can’t complain (yes I can), after all, I wrote the stages. Hmm, to work, to work, to play, to PEACE.

Twisting words- The Grass is Blue – Dolly Parton

Confusion- Get it Worked On -Delbert McClinton

Denial- Old Number 7- The Devil Makes Three

Bargaining – Gallows Pole- Alvin Youngblood Hart

Anger- Joanne Little- Sweet Honey in the Rock

Bitterness -The Wound That Never Heals – Jim White

Revenge -Silver Dagger- Dolly Parton

Acting Out – Pills I Took- Hank Williams III

Oppositional Defiance- All Hail- The Devil Makes Three

Grief -Days Like These – Over the Rhine

Acceptance- In my time of dying – Alvin Youngblood Hart

Forgiveness -Jesus on the Mainline – Mississippi Fred McDowell

Healing- I be your water- Sweet Honey in the Rock

Hope – So Glad I’m Here- Sweet Honey in the Rock

Reconciliation – You are loved, Victoria Williams

Peace – Everybody Ought to Know (and) Redemption Song- Sweet Honey in the Rock

S is for Shame

I am reading Kim Addonizio’s Ordinary Genius for a Centrum poetry class.

She challenges white poets: why don’t you write about racisim?

I write that we are afraid. I think it is more than that: it is shame. Thinking about her words, I thought about one of my mother’s pieces of art and how it makes me uncomfortable. And that my discomfort with it is new. I wrote this poem.

Race forward

Kim Addonizio asks
Why don’t white poets write about race?

Chickenshits, I think.
Afraid. We are afraid.
My mother called one color Nigger Pink.
She says, “It’s the color that only looks good on black people.”
She looks wicked as she says it and I know that I never should.
She didn’t think she was racist nor a feminist.

One time she says, “Maybe I am a feminist.”
“Why do you say that?” I ask.
“We had a group of women who went to plant trees. None of them could dig a hole.”
“Oh,” I say.
“They didn’t know how to use a shovel!”

She might be horrified how many high school graduates today would call a spade a shovel.

A mentor art teacher says, “Stop being small,” to her. “Get bigger.”
She starts pastel portraits, larger than life.
One that I love is titled “One Fist of Iron.”
Now: don’t lie. What race do you think the person is? And what gender?

Did you guess correctly?
African American and male.

Another friend tells me he is trying to get his father to stop calling Brazil nuts nigger toes.
My mother told me that term too.
And that it was unacceptable.
At my friend’s father’s birthday, I focus my camera on the birthday man.
He holds a bowl of nuts. He says to himself, “I will now eat a politically incorrect nut.” and the camera clicks. I love this photograph because he is 90 and white and reluctantly changing his wicked words.

My mother says there might be hope when a small black child trick or treats her house in black face, in Alexandria, Virginia, in the 1990s.

I think there IS hope, even though the race seems slow and painful and there is so much anger
Look in the mirror, white poets.
And write the words.

One Fist of Iron, by Helen Burling Ottaway

The photograph at the beginning of this is not my mother. It is her mother’s mother, Mary Robbins White. I have pictures of five generations of women with that serious expression. She was the wife of George White, the Congregationalist Minister who was president of Anatolia College in Turkey. They and my grandmother and siblings were escorted to the Turkish border in 1916. George White and his wife were two of the main witnesses of the genocide of the Armenians in Turkey.

Let us not stand by and witness more genocides.

ATOZBLOGGINGCHALLENGE2022 #art #Women artists #Helen Burling Ottaway #ATOZCHALLENGE #APRILATOZ

For more information about the #AtoZChallenge, check out this link.

Playlist: Stages of Grief 3

Stages of Grief Playlist 3

All women all the time today. Grieving for their men or our culture. Fighting back.

Denial

Dolly Parton: The Grass is Blue

Bargaining

Ann Peebles: I can’t stand the rain

Anger

Lily Allen: Not Fair

Acting Out/Fighting Back

Sweet Honey in the Rock: Give Your Hands to Struggle

Revenge

Dolly Parton: Silver Dagger

Grief

Tricia Walker: The Heart of Dixie

Acceptance

Bessie Smith: You been a good old wagon

playing telephone

If they whisper from one end to the other, does it get garbled before it reaches the other end?

Isn’t gossip a sin?

For the Ragtag Daily Prompt: chaos.

first impressions

I am taking a writing class and our next book is on cultural appropriation.

This interests me. I tend to be a little gender blind and race blind when I meet people. I am using my super skill instead. My skill is developed from a really scary childhood: I read the stuffed emotions. The stuff people are hiding.

No way, you say. Oh, yes, I say.

My sister described coming home from high school and stopping when she walked into the house. She was trying to sense what was going on. Were our parents fighting? Was our father drunk? Yes, he was drunk, but which stage?

We talked about the stages and which we hated most.

Stage goofy/silly was annoying but not toxic. We said we had homework.

Stage asleep in a fetal ball in the upstairs hallway. My sister said she would step over him to get to her room.

Stage maudlin. We both agreed this was the worst. He would cry and say, “You can tell me anything.” Once he caught me in that stage and I was in tears by the time my mother got home. I left the room. The next morning mother said, “He said you two were discussing the cat’s disappearance.” I didn’t answer. We never said a word about the cat. I didn’t know if he was lying or was too drunk to remember it the next day, so made it up. Don’t care. Avoid.

He was never physically abusive. He and my mother would scream at each other at 1 or 2 am through most of high school. Reading her diaries, she writes that she drinks too much. I think they were both alcoholics, thought the family story is that he was the bad one. But I can’t imagine yelling with a drunk at 1 or 2 am for an hour. What is the point? They are drunk. So either she was drunk too or needed to fight.

Emotionally abusive, yes, both parents. My mother would take any show of fear or grief and tell it as a very very funny story to every person she ran into. Is it any surprise that I had to go into therapy after she died to learn to feel fear or grief? My sister would say, “She’s got her stone face on,” about me. Um, yeah, I am NOT going to let my family see my emotions…

Anyhow, that is what I read in people when I first meet them. It’s not the suit, the clothes, the make up, the race, the gender. I pretty much ignore those. I was fashion blind in junior high, a girl geek, could not read the code and did not care. I had given up on socializing with my fellow students. I was hopelessly bad at it. I did a lot better with the adults around my parents. I could have actual conversations with them.

I had one patient who was transgender where I couldn’t remember which direction. I didn’t care, either. That was a really angry person. Anger is always covering other emotions, so I avoided pronouns and tried to be as gentle as possible.

I complained to a counselor once that I can’t turn this “off”. And that it’s fine in clinic with patients, but it screws with my relationships with my peer doctors. They do not like it if I “read” them.

It took me years, but I finally realized that I have to use my clinic skills with everyone. I can’t turn off “reading” any more than you turn off your eyes when you meet a new person. But I can be as gentle with everyone as I am in clinic. I realized that as I started on a trip and the trip was amazing, everyone was so nice.

This reading is a product of a high ACE Score: Adverse Childhood Experiences. I score about a 5. One of my patients set off my ACE alarms on the first visit. I asked if he had had a rough childhood and gave a very short explanation of ACE scores. “Oh, I am a ten out of ten,” he said. He was, too. Ran away from home at age 6 or 8.

The ACE scores of all the children are rising from the last two years. The war will raise them even more, worse for the children there and the kids trying not to starve in Afganistan and Syria and world wide.

It will be interesting to read about cultural appropriation. But I don’t care much: I don’t “see” those things when I meet someone.

Hugs and blessings.

The photograph is me and my sister Chris in 1987, before my wedding. We were dancing before the wedding. She died in 2012 after 7 years of breast cancer.

Doctors and nurses and hospital staff are the last caregivers for the elderly alcoholics and addicts who are alone, whose families have finally cut them off. I think this song illustrates their pain. We try to take care of them.

Update on Addiction 2022: Mouse Cocaine Addict Studies

Recent experiments on mice are giving us interesting information on addiction, and suggesting that l-dopa may be able to control/mitigate addiction. This lecture about how dopamine works in addiction using a mouse model (poor mice) blew me away. The mice fell into two categories: maintenance users and vulnerable addict rats. The study of the dopamine postulates a reason for the difference.

20th Annual Drug Conference Washington State from 2019

Notes from lecture 3: Paul Phillips PhD
Dopamine Neurotransmission in Substance Use Disorders: from Preclinical studies

For a long time there were no agreed upon animal models: rats don’t steal money from other rats to buy drugs. However, rats do get addicted and this can be studied.

There are features in rats, rat behavior and rat brains that might translate to humans.

1. Basic discoveries about dopamine neurotransmission in substance use disorders is discussed.
A neurotransmitter study checking every ten minutes in brain examines two areas: dorsal and ventral striatum. Dopamine is increased in the area between cells from the administration of substances “first time use” in animal models: cocaine, alcohol, methadone, cannabinoids, nicotine, amphetamine, morphine. This is the first clue re addictive drugs, whether there is an increase in dopamine intraneuronally. The endpoint is that direct effect on dopamine receptors, which has a different brain mechanism for each drug. Cocaine blocks the receptor that reuptakes the drug into the neuron. Methamphetamines and amphetamines reverse the reuptake pump, makes the receptor spit it out. Gaba neurons act to inhibit dopamine neurons, normally mu receptors on the gaba interneurons and the opioids block those. Ethanol has another mechanism of action. It changes inhibitory activity, lowering the inhibition of the gaba interneurons. Nicotine REALLY messes with multiple receptors and multiple cells, but main effect is increase of dopamine in the striatum.
Increased dopamine in human brain relates to the feeling of being high: brain PET scans show amphetamine and dopamine bound less, reduction in the binding. Subjects were substance abusers. Subjective questioning of how high they felt correlated with the amount of dopamine released on the PET scan. Methylphenidate was used in that study. Canada study: cocaine increases dopamine in human brain by PET scan.
Addiction does lead to changes in the brain, on both PET scans and functional MRIs.
PET scans measuring dopamine binding in the brain show that the baseline in brains of substance abusers differs from non-abusers. The levels of dopamine receptors is lower in the substance overuses and there is lower binding than controls: heroin, alcohol, meth, cocaine (and obesity and ADHD…..). (This has been known for opioid overuse and chronic use for a while: the brain cells withdraw receptors, so the same dose does not reduce pain because there are less receptors. The change in receptors appears to vary in different subjects. Recovery is very slow.)
The role of dopamine has been confusing. It is known that it is involved in the cue evoking cocaine “craving”, but is also involved with — satiety. This has been confusing and contradictory — what does dopamine do but also the dynamic structural signaling.

2. The animal studies demonstrate that the dopamine signals are phasic.
Rat studies measure changes in dopamine minute to minute electrochemistry for sub-second dopamine detection in vivo, which means we can measure changes in dopamine in real time. There is an identified output signature for dopamine levels, measure in 8.5 millisecond, ten measures per second.
The rats were voluntarily taking cocaine. The cocaine was available in a liquid with a light that would come on when it was available, for two hours daily. The animal presses a lever when the light cue is on and gets an infusion of drug. With the ten measures per second, the first and smaller dopamine response in the brain is before the lever is pressed. That is, there is a rise in dopamine BEFORE the rat presses the lever. If stimulated dopamine, the animal would go press the lever. Then there is a larger reward dopamine signal when the drug hits.
Dopamine is the chicken and the egg: signal to USE and signal that has ARRIVED.

3. Changes that take place with drug use
There is a signal change over time that correlation with features of addiction.
The mice had an implanted brain electrode, tinier than human hair, 7 microns, biocompatability — don’t make the brain attack it as a foreign object so rat brain keeps working. The study involves tyrosine hydroxylase, a precursor of dopamine. A food pellet response of the tyrosine remains the same at 1, 2, 6 months so can monitor substance abuse brain changes. These are cocaine addicted rats. They get cocaine via a nose poke of a button when it lights up. Pellets, not iv (they learn that faster). There are 2 ports to nose poke: active and inactive. The signal that cocaine is available and the pellet is active: a light comes on for 20s and then drug arrives. Can take again after 20sec. The rats titrate cocaine use: not continuous. They pace cocaine use, wait for it to wear off. Over time, drug use 1 hour access daily… slow increase, relatively stable.
When the access is bumped up to 6 hours access daily… rats do increase use — first of 6 hours, escalation of drug use faster — in humans development of tolerance.
With 1 hour cocaine availability, the dopamine response to the cocaine in the rat brain is lower by the 2nd and 3rd week, slowly decreases, then with 6 hours of access the loss of dopamine is very robust, happens faster, dopamine signal gets smaller every time.
Rats long access: were there individual differences? Yes, metric, nonescalated vs escalated groups so like humans. 60 escalated 40 didn’t and stayed stable. So essentially I named these “Vulnerable addict rats” and “Maintenance rats”.
Which group most motivated to take cocaine? The study ups the price of cocaine for rats, how many times are you willing to receive the drug? The escalating animals made more responses, “worked harder” for the drug. The escalator brains, Vulnerable Addict Rats, had just about a complete loss of dopamine signal by three weeks.
The nonescalators had more stable dopamine responses, retained some dopamine brain function.
The greater the loss of dopamine, the more the animal escalates the drug use.
The Vulnerable Addict rats would use cocaine to the exclusion of food, water, sex and sleep and died early.
This is a feedback loop. The rats get a success signal when the drug is taken — but over time don’t get the success signal because dopamine receptors are gone — so take more. In the Vulnerable Addict escalators, the dopamine signal of anticipation goes down in response to the cue, the drug effect takes a little longer but the pharmacological response to drug actually remains.
They tried giving l-dopa, a parkinson’s drug and if treat, the rats get a restoration of the dopamine cue — pharmacological response didn’t change — how does this affect behavior? A daily shot of l-dopa and the animals on the l-dopa have less escalation. (wow!) The l-dopa didn’t affect the nonescalators/maintenance rats. When they remove the l-dopa in the vulnerable addict rats, the animals jump to higher use and so the brain changes are happening even when it is masked by the l-dopa but does not stop the brain changes.
They ask the question: can you reverse escalation? With the the l-dopa, they use less.
Dopamine signaling to take drugs (the anticipation cue when the light goes on) decreases in animals that escalate drug taking, but does not change in animals with stable drug taking.
Restoring dopamine signaling with l-dopa can prevent or reverse escalated drug taking.
This dopamine signaling….

4. Mechanisms — drug cue elicits dopamine.
So this is about triggers. This is a paired drug cue: the light signals that the drug is available. If a non-contingent drug given to animal, the light still elicits drug seeking. Using a naive animal: pair reward with cue, over time the cue will increase dopamine.
(hmm. Facebook. blogging. Instagram. “You have mail”. )
The initial addiction has a short access time. One hour out of 24. When this is changed to long access, some animals escalate vs non escalation — as take more and more drug, the response to the drug taking cue gets larger in the escalators/Vulnerable Addicts. Presentation of cue — by investigator vs animal:
If elicits drug seeking than the dopamine response gets larger to the cue over time.
If the cue is given but other choices of liquid, then the dopamine response gets smaller in some rats — so terminating drug seeking. The Vulnerable Addict Rats had a larger and larger dopamine craving cue spike, the longer they were off the drug. The the increase in the cue drives craving and decrease drives seeking — so both bad.
The conclusion in the rats is that craving for drug, related to cues, is dependent to length of time off drug. The longer the rats were off the drug, the larger the dopamine spike when the cue light comes on. The measure of cue behavior gets worse …. 60 day study in rats, this is not physiological withdrawal, is prolonged way beyond the withdrawal.
1. noncontingent
wait a day or wait a month
work harder to get drug, harder a month out
reaction to drug cue presentation, enhanced over time
at start of drug small signal to drug cue
long access then cue gets bigger
same a day after stop drug
but huge in a month after no drug — huge dopamine response

(my thought was then swearing. how do we treat this?)
In chronic drug use the cue signal shrinks which reinforces drug use AND stopping increases the cue response which ALSO reinforces.

5. Implications for treatment
treating rats
They discuss a virus with promotor that affects dopamine cells, light activated ion channel, cells release dopamine when light stimulated
only activates release of dopamine, to understand mechanisms.
For the self administered nose cue …. In the nonescalator maintenence rats, dopamine cue response stays fairly robust, stimulate those cells and no change.
In the escalator/vulnerable addict rats… if do a virus stimulation of dopamine in the brain, more dopamine to cue boosted, so they use less cocaine and look like the non-escalators.
5th cue less dopamine than 1st cue: if put dopamine back then maintains the drug seeking.

What underlies the decrease in dopamine release?
When the animals use cocaine, dynorphin goes up (kappa antagonist).
They injected a kappa receptor blocker — animal no longer escalate (not in humans at this time, don’t understand well enough) treating animals that are escalating, so the bad addict/vulnerable rats.
Most animals don’t escalate — but pretty serious amounts of drug cocaine so not abstinent.

For future
Dopamine diametric changes: dopamine may reduce consumption but might increase craving, so it is difficult to treat.
l-dopa — treatment — some studies, looking for abstinence, does NOT produce abstinence. Does not make abstinence worse. Says that promise seen relates to the status of the subject — helps with people who are still using (some) but doesn’t help increase or prolong abstinence. So could reduce harm but not abstinent….politically unpopular. Happier with turning alcoholic into a social alcohol user, but that idea is less popular/politically ok with cocaine/opioids (and especially meth).

They are studying mouse nosepokes for alcohol — reduced intake when the rats are on l-dopa.

There is a functional agonist for kappa receptors == buprenorphine, might have effects on drug consumption, speculation across different drugs.

Dynorphin is a stress related peptide, so does that signaling produce escalation of drug taking? So other stress drugs — like corisol, CRF, plan for more studies.

Question: Stress related hormones– babies in stress in utero and in stressful childhood have less dopamine receptors and need more dopamine for pleasure, susceptibility to drug addiction (ACE scores) so is still really early studying neurotransmitters.

Dr. Question: why do people do better with agonist therapy than abstinence in opioids vs other drugs? Answer: we don’t know….. yet.

further information:
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1920543/
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC80880/
https://archives.drugabuse.gov/news-events/nida-notes/2017/03/impacts-drugs-neurotransmission
https://nida.nih.gov/

abuse, enabler style

I am raised by a family of triangulating enablers and enablees.

The enablers are my mother and two uncles. They are very very smart. Let me qualify that: they are very very smart intellectually. Emotionally, not so much.

The two uncles have PhDs and are professors. They marry wives that are lessor in their view. One tells my mother that he wants a woman who is not as bright as he is. I don’t know if she is less bright, but she is a hella better athlete. I also have the impression that she had a time where she drank too much.

The other uncle marries a woman who tends to be a hypochondriac. He takes her to India, where she gets polio while pregnant. She is then a sick hypochondriac, which is very difficult. The ill can control their families by planning things and then getting sick at the last moment. On the other hand, chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia are very real and we are on the edge of figuring them out. That uncle divorces his wife and I instantly like both of them better. They stop being a weird unit and are suddenly individuals.

My mother tells me, when I am in college, “I wondered if your father was an alcoholic when I married him.” I want to hit her. She won’t leave him, she won’t stop enabling him, they scream at each other at 2 am often. Now I wonder about that and conclude that either screaming at someone was something she needed or she was an alchoholic too.

After my mother dies, I ask my uncle, what about his parents? After all, the three of them learned enabling somewhere and it pretty much has to be at home.

My uncle tells me his parents had a PERFECT marriage and that my grandmother LOVED being the wife of a physician and professor.

Um, so, then, why did she pay my tuition to medical school, uncle?

And I think about my mother’s stories. Once, she says, your Uncle Jim bet his friend Dick that Dick was too chicken to shoot a cigarette out of Jim’s mother’s mouth. Ooooo. With a rubber band shooter. Yes, my grandmother. Bob took the bet and succeeded. My grandmother roared with anger and the two boys ran like hell and hid.

And someone in the family tells me: your grandfather helped your grandmother control her temper.

There it is. The enabler/enablee.

The enablers die first. My grandfather of cancer at 79, my mother of cancer at 62. The cousins are all angry at me because I won’t follow the family rules and triangulate in a satisfactory manner, and I don’t care any more. I am ignoring them. I got my father’s banjo back and I am done. The two cousins I own land with jointly are not the worst triangulators.

I have to remind myself: for them, this is love. For some people, controlling or being controlled is what functions as love and intimacy. Fighting and tears when person A talks to person C about person B and person C then lets person B know, that is how they feel close. It is not only families, but communities. Clay Shirky’s description of a group being it’s own worst enemy describes the same patterns: identify an enemy inside or outside the group and then everyone comes together against the enemy. The enemy says the wrong thing, doesn’t worship the right god/desses, wears different clothes, looks different. And the group feels safer once the scapegoat has been killed, the guy has been burned. It would be nice if we could burn a ritual guy instead of torching each other.

The real anger is in the enabler. They control it by having the enablee express it. Then it is not “theirs”. They can feel superior to the enablee who is out of control. Sadly, the problem is only fixed temporarily and they will need their anger expressed again and again and again.

The cycle can be broken. It is a lot of work.

Blessings.

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