alternative medicine

Ok, I got this picture off Facebutt. I CONFESS. But I really want a doctor kit like this: so I can practice alternative medicine. I am disabled from Family Practice and I have to apply for disability payments (miles of paperwork) and I hear that even as a contractee I can apply for unemployment (miles more paperwork) and I see my hospital bill on line for the ER visit where I had chest pain and shortness of breath and the ER doc didn’t even give me an aspirin, so I want to know why I should pay them $900 and I am going to apply for reduced payments because last year I made 42 K, less then the nurses at Jefferson Healthcare (EVEN MORE PAPERWORK FOR THE REDUCED PAYMENTS) and really, it all sounds rather exhausting and I’d rather let the paranoia rise and hide under the bed. Where the OCD and ADHD will make me arrange the dust bunnies and dust elephants by size.

So this looks like a great doctor kit. If the patient sees me and doesn’t do a darn thing that I say, I shoot them with the gun in the forehead. If they do a little but not really very much, I set up the bowling pins and shoot them with the gun while I talk about how irritating it is to have patients use MY TAX DOLLARS though MEDICARE MEDICAID ACTIVE MILITARY DUTY AND THE VETERANS ADMINISTRATION NOT TO MENTION SOCIAL SECURITY DISABILITY to get advice and not follow it.

If they are merely disrespectful and tell me what Dr. Google says, I say “Duck.” and throw one at them. If they say, “I don’t take any farmasuiticals.” and bring a bag with the 12 supplement and vitamin pills they take daily, I give them the plastic pills to replace all their stupid supplements. “Here, take this. If it doesn’t work, I have suppositories, but they are four times this size so some people complain that they are uncomfortable.”

I am not sure WHAT the thing in the lower right corner is. A hair dryer? A fentenyl lollipop? Part of an old fashioned telephone?

Anyhow, someone find me one of these kits and send it to me. Pretty please. I am not allowed to do Family Medicine any more and really want to get started on Alternative Medicine.

8 thoughts on “alternative medicine

  1. VJ Knutson says:

    Lol! At least your sense of humour is intact. The paperwork is definitely overwhelming!

  2. bushboy says:

    Suppositories made me laugh

  3. drkottaway says:

    Also I really enjoyed her hour on “environmental toxins”. At the start she does mention that tobacco IS….TOXIC….big news. Then she spends the next hour talking about MOLD and there are CHEMICALS in PRODUCTS. Honey, sorry to inform you, but organic carrots, they gots CHEMICALS too…..

    • drkottaway says:

      ….”natural” chemicals, whatever the hell “natural” means. Does “naturopathic” mean the doctor is nekkid? I think it ought to. They ain’t born with clothes on.

  4. lois says:

    Ah, yes…Dr Google. My doctor ‘loves’ when I say, ‘ I Googled it and…’ I can both see and hear his eyes roll. The thing in the lower right corner….spin to figure out the diagnosis?? WTH?!

    • drkottaway says:

      Well, sometimes people DO find useful things on google plus I often subscribe to the alternative stuff in order to see if it is all quackery…. sometimes I learn something useful. It’s not all dross and often it makes me laugh. In one of The Thyroid Secret videos, the woman running it, does the usual “allopathic doctors completely suck” and then interviews a vet. Oh, so she trusts vets but not MDs or DOs? What the heck is up with that?

      • lois says:

        **does like my doctor and rolls eyes** My old vet used to prescribe meds for my dogs and would say, “You could take this, too.” Oh….

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