needed

The Ragtag Daily Prompt today is referee. I might need one. A referee. Or a keeper.

Yesterday I went for a walk. No big deal, right? Except that I am still jet lagged from a trip and I had to stay an extra eight days because of I got (thankfully mild) covid and my muscles are still a bit weird.

I go with my friend J, who usually walks 16-20 miles on what he calls day hikes. We walk from my house to North Beach and then out North Beach nearly to Glass Beach. I bring water. He brings water and cliff bars. I eat one. We turn back. It is glorious and gorgeous and sunny and he is up visiting from Portland. We talk and talk.

I am pretty tired by the time we get to the parking lot and think, oh good. Then I remember: no, we walked from my house. Two more miles. I am trying not to limp by the time I home. He goes off to work some more and I crash on the couch.

After a bit I realize that I am not hungry and I feel peculiar and my legs hurt a lot. Uh-oh. I get up. I can’t remember the name of the muscle disorder, but I remember what it does. Seriously overdoing can cause muscle breakdown. This in turn can be very bad for the kidneys. I need fluids, right away. I mix 12 ounces of water with a little sugar and salt. Later I add bicarb, baking soda. It doesn’t taste either bad or good. I eat three dried apricots: potassium.

After 48 ounces of this and two hours, I start feeling a little better, and my kidneys start working again. My legs hurt less. I feed the cats and I still don’t want food. Ok, well, I won’t starve over night. More fluids and to sleep.

I finally have a little bit of an appetite this morning. Not much. I am tired and a bit sore but not like yesterday. Whew. I need a keeper.

wrong word

you are angry you say
I don’t think those are the right words, I say
not angry? you say
bored, I say

BORED you say

Yeah, I say
Well, you say you don’t love me
You say you won’t change
You say you changed once, in the past
You say you won’t go in a church
You say you did that
You say you won’t go in a casino
You did that

I’m BORED

My first thought about the church
My first thought about the casino
Is that is clearly where I can go
If I want to avoid you

My second thought about the church
My second thought about the casino
is ICK. Why am I hanging around
someone who doesn’t love me
someone who doesn’t plan to change?

My sister and I talk
about the people who don’t change
about the people who remain the same
about the stubborn who bury their heads

We notice them shrinking
as the world changes around them
the things they are willing to do
the people they are willing to talk to
the places they are willing to go
get smaller and smaller and smaller

You dream of a small cabin in the wilderness
your brother shows up and an attacking bear
in another dream I am well and busy and happy

May all your dreams come true
my love
if you really want them to

I am well and busy and happy

are you?

__________

April 18, 2022

Does my hair look ok?

Ok, they are feathers, right? I think this is a flock of Red-Breasted Mergansers. I took this in Puget Sound from Marrowstone Island on October 30, 2021.

“Look, the babes are checking me out.”

For the Ragtag Daily Prompt: stagefright.

“Hey! You messed up my mohawk!”

https://www.allaboutbirds.org/guide/Red-breasted_Merganser/

Sea lions

Do you think the sea lions are talking to the Beloved? When they are on the rock with their heads tilted back, looking up?

Are they trying to feel the sun?

Do they have reflux and digest better this way?

Do you think the sea lions are talking to the Beloved?

within normal limits

I think doctoring makes one cynical. Or at least messes up the scale of normal.

Maybe there are Marcus Welby docs out there, but I don’t know any. Doctoring messes up one’s scale. A wound is compared to black horrifying gangrene to the knee, pain is compared to screaming delirium tremens or full thickness burns or heroin withdrawal, one in four adults can be diagnosed with a psychiatric disorder at some time in their life…. so then, what is normal?

What is normal for relationships? How many deeply happy marriages do you know? If half end in divorce, what are the odds?

Where is the line in love? Where is the line between loving the other person no matter what and wait, that is domestic violence. Where is the line for abuse? Do people agree on it?

No. They do not. What I think is behavior that is frightening may be normal behavior to my partner. Is it ok to drink until one is drunk? I don’t want to be around it. I saw enough of that shit at work. I deal with addiction daily. If someone wants to get drunk, they can choose to do that. But not around me. And no, I don’t want to date them. And if they are working themselves to death, is that ok? Well, I might be a tad hypersensitive to that, since I nearly managed that myself. So I don’t want to be around that either. That might be viewed as noble self-sacrifice. But at work, I see the caregiver die before the recipient of the care, all too often. Especially in older couples, where neither one wants to let anyone in the house to help….

….but then, some people do hear me. A woman thanked me last year for saying she should quit covering for her husband. She was afraid, but backed off. He is able to do more than she expected and he also is more respectful and kind to her. She thanked me and I got all shy and tongue-tied.

My definition of love is listening. Someone who listens and hears and lets me listen and hear. When each person can say what they are thinking and feeling and wanting and worried about…. because if only one person is speaking, if only one person is determining what the relationship is, it is not a relationship.

mer loss

Here is a closeup up the mer creature from the beach. I could not return her to the sea and I fear it would be futile anyhow. I photograph her for posterity.

But the tide goes out and comes back in. She is gone the next day. Was she returned to the sea? I couldn’t move her but the tide can move boulders. I hope that she got home and is not dead and is safe.

For the Ragtag Daily Prompt: futile. Maybe not.