Deep prayerful thanks to all of the nurses working, those working with Covid-19 patients and those working with anyone. Sending hugs and love.
Welcome to the dark, everyone.
When you think about it, all the children in the world are adding at least one Adverse Childhood Experience score and possibly more, because of Covid-19. Some will add more than one: domestic violence is up with stress, addiction is up, behavioral health problems are up, some parents get sick and die, and then some children are starving.
From the CDC Ace website:
“Overview:Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) are potentially traumatic events that occur in childhood. ACEs can include violence, abuse, and growing
up in a family with mental health or substance use problems. Toxic stress from ACEs can change brain development and affect how the body responds to
stress. ACEs are linked to chronic health problems, mental illness, and substance misuse in adulthood. However, ACEs can be prevented.”
Well, can they be prevented? Could Covid-19 be prevented? I question that one.
I have a slightly different viewpoint. I have an ACE Score of 5 and am not dead and don’t have heart disease. I spent quite a bit of time thinking about ACE scores and that it’s framed as kids’ brains are damaged.
I would argue that this is survival wiring. When I have a patient where I suspect a high ACE score, I bring it up, show them the CDC web site and say that I think of it as “crisis wiring” not “damaged”. I say, “You survived your childhood. Good job! The low ACE score people do not understand us and I may be able to help you let go of some of the automatic survival reactions and fit in with the people who had a nice childhood more easily.”
It doesn’t seem useful to me to say “We have to prevent ACE scores.” Um. Tsunamis, hurricanes, Covid-19, wars… it seems to me that the ACE score wiring is adaptive. If your country is at war and you are a kid and your family sets out to sea to escape, well, you need to survive. If that means you are guarded, untrusting, suspicious and wary of everyone, yeah, ok. You need to survive. One of my high ACE Score veterans said that the military loved him because he could go from zero to 60 in one minute. Yeah, me too. I’ve worked on my temper since I was a child. Now it appears that my initial ACE insult was my mother having tuberculosis, so in the womb. Attacked by antibodies, while the tuberculosis bacillus cannot cross the placenta, luckily for me. And luckily for me she coughed blood at 8 months pregnant and then thought she had lung cancer and was going to die at age 22. Hmmm, think of what those hormones did to my wiring.
So if we can’t prevent all ACE Scores, what do we do? We change the focus. We need to understand crisis wiring, support it and help people to let go of the hair trigger that got them through whatever horrid things they grew up with. 16% of Americans have a score of 4 or more BEFORE Covid-19. We now have a 20 or 25 year cohort that will have higher scores. Let’s not label them doomed or damaged. Let’s talk about it and help people to understand.
I read a definition of misery memoirs today. I don’t scorn them. I don’t like the fake ones. I don’t read them, though I did read Angela’s Ashes. What I thought was amazing about Angela’s Ashes is that for me he captures the child attitude of accepting what is happening: when his sibling is dying and they see a dog get killed and he associates the two. And when he writes about moving and how their father would not carry anything, because it was shameful for a man to do that. He takes it all for granted when he is little because that is what he knows. One book that I know of that makes a really difficult childhood quite amazing is Precious Bane, by Mary Webb. Here is a visible disability that marks her negatively and yet she thrives.
A friend met at a conference is working with traumatic brain injury folks. They were starting a study to measure ACE scores and watch them heal, because they were noticing the high ACE score people seem to recover faster. I can see that: I would just say, another miserable thing and how am I going to work through it. Meanwhile a friend tells me on the phone that it’s “not fair” that her son’s senior year of college is spoiled by Covid-19. I think to myself, uh, yes but he’s not in a war zone nor starving nor hit by a tsunami and everyone is affected by this and he’s been vaccinated. I think he is very lucky. What percentage of the world has gotten vaccinated? He isn’t on a ventilator. Right now, that falls under doing well and also lucky in my book. And maybe that is what the high ACE score people have to teach the low ACE score people: really, things could be a lot worse. No, I don’t trust easily and I am no longer feeling sorry about it. I have had a successful career in spite of my ACE score, I ran a clinic in the way that felt ethical to me, I have friends who stick with me even through PANDAS and my children are doing well. And I am not addicted to anything except I’d get a caffeine headache for a day if I had none.
For the people with the good childhood, the traumatic brain injury could be their first terrible experience. They go through the stages of grief. The high ACE score people do too, but we’ve done it before, we are familiar with it, it’s old territory, yeah ok jungle again, get the machete out and move on. As the world gets through Covid-19, with me still thinking that this winter looks pretty dark, maybe we can all learn about ACE scores and support each other and try to be kind, even to the scary looking veteran.
sometimes you know things
sometimes you no things
sometimes you know things
sometimes you no things
sometimes you koanow things
sometimes you no things
sometimes you koanow
sometimes you koanow
also published on another site today.
Darn it. I went from two months of no hiking or beach walking to too fast too much… oops. Injured left tibialis anterior. Oxygen AND a boot. Dang blang curses… guess I have to behave slightly better.
Another outfit not appropriate for work: on the morning before the boot…. I am holding out my hand to be kissed. That area on my lower left shin is red… and later in the day I got in with ortho and got the boot.
Ok, who is this fierce woman?
It is not me.
It is not my daughter.
It is a relative.
It is not my mother.
It is not my grandmother.
I have pictures of all of these women with that expression.
This is Mary Robbins White, my grandmother’s mother.
This is the line of women: mother to daughter all the way down.
What is passed from mother to daughter and mother to son? Besides the fierce expression?
Mitochondria. The mitochondria are only in the egg, not in the sperm. My grandparents, had three children, two boys and my mother. My mother passed the mitochondria to me and my sister, but the men would not contribute mitochondria to their sons or daughters. It is amazing to look at that serious face with intensity and concentration and see that passed down to my daughter, my son and my niece….
Guess who is who in the following photographs. I took two of them.
Ok, maybe it is not inappropriate for work. But it would be a little weird for work… I was going in the woods with my oxygen tank. “Local doctor of 21 years found eaten by cougar, which then died because it couldn’t digest the oxygen tank.” Heh.
Listening to this, fabulous!!!
From November 20th, 2020:
My ex called Saturday. Early, which unusual. I thought he was calling to say his mother died.
He is an RN at a nursing home. “We’ve gone from one Covid 19 patient to 55 in the nursing home in one week. And they installed a new computer program on Tuesday that makes everything take twice as long. I quit.”
Actually he gave two weeks notice.
He called our kids yesterday. He has Covid 19. However, they are so short of staff that he is working. On the Covid 19 ward of the nursing home.
In my clinic, we are struggling with watching people travel for Thanksgiving. We have decided. If someone travels or has Thanksgiving with other households, we will offer a zoom visit or a reschedule in two weeks. We do not want them to expose others in clinic. And if we get it or are exposed, we are closed for a minimum of two weeks.
He called me. Today 60 out of the 70 nursing home patients have it. All of the staff have it. The staff are working anyhow because there is no one else.
I am going to post a series of short essays I wrote on another site at the end of 2020. Because we have to work together and these are relevant. I will post one every day or two.
From Tuesday November 24, 2020:
I have just had a call asking for a Covid-19 test.
Not for symptoms.
Nope. Traveled from Washington to California with a buddy and “My sister thinks I should be tested.”
Me: “Oh, does your sister want you tested before you come to Thanksgiving?”
Patient: “Uh, I think so.”
Me: “First of all, the priority is for people who have symptoms or have been exposed. Secondly I am not ordering a test for someone who has no symptoms, chose to travel and then thinks it’s ok to go to a Thanksgiving dinner in another household if they get a negative. It’s not ok. You can test negative one day and be shedding virus the next. The quarantine after exposure is 14 days. The medical advice from the CDC, from the surgeon general and from me is STAY HOME.”
Others are asking for antibody tests. We don’t know if the antibodies mean you aren’t infectious. We don’t know how long they last. Typically with other covid viruses they don’t last long. In contrast, chicken pox virus gives lifelong immunity. We don’t know if a person can get Covid-19 again, though there have already been some cases. No, I won’t do an antibody test because the person “Just wants to know.”
STAY HOME STAY HOME STAY HOME.
be sure whatever you do do
you’re careful who lasers your hoohoo
should not be self done by the patient
the person who fires the laser
should having training and not just in tasers
hoohoo lasers are selling like hotcakes
making money for yahoos who clambake
no yahoo should do do your hoohoo
else you and your honey will boohoo
written in 2018.
I don’t make this shit up: http://www.cbc.ca/news/opinion/vaginal-rejuvenation-1.4782406
I feel safest with the fallen
No one is good
I am afraid
Of the people who
pretend to be good
We fell down down down
like an eternity
like it would never end
We were bad
depressed drunk addicted
liars cowards thieves
We held our arms out
There was nothing to stop us
All we could do
As best we could
With all our hearts
If we had no words
Claw our way back
Some people fall
Are still falling
Are they crazy
Or do they choose
To stay with the angels?
The people who say
They are good
We look at them
We know they haven’t fallen
They are lying to us
They are lying to themselves
They are lying to the Beloved
They want to be good
They want what they say to be true
But it isn’t
I meet the eyes of another fallen
I can see the memory
Of infinite free fall
In their eyes.