Balancing act

I am working at a site in the greater Seattle area, but I am not going to say where. Why? Two reasons. One is that the patient diversity is huge: the organization is organized to take care of low income, uninsured and immigrant patients. The second is that I am still trying to decide if the balance of the organization is working. It may be working but it might not be working for me.

I am at a large clinic, with primary care, dental, behavioral health, a nutritionist, a pharmacy and three in person translators. In any one day I will probably use translators for at least six languages. English, Spanish, Dari, Hindi, Punjabi, Arabic, French, Somali and sometimes languages that I have to look up the country because I don’t know where that language is spoken. The work is fast and furious.

The overall no show rate is 20%. This makes the day very unpredictable. It can be very very fast and busy with everyone showing up and then later there are three no shows in a row. I think that the no show rate has been less than 20% but on Tuesday it was more. However, everyone showed up in the morning and there was a hospital follow up that should have had 40 minutes and only had 20 and of course then we ran later. My lunch theoretically starts at 12 but I went to lunch at 12:50 and came back 6 minutes late, at 1:06. Then people no showed while I worked to finish off everything from the morning. It did feel a bit nuts.

We are using the electronic medical record EPIC. I find EPIC epically frustrating. It is “feature rich” which means it has too many ways to do things. If I ask someone how to record a phone call to a patient, it takes eight steps. A week later I have to do it again, I ask again, and the next person shows me a DIFFERENT set of eight steps. And there have to be at least eight ways to do anything, so it is very confusing. Also, the “home” page can be personalized to the extent that people look at my version (I have not personalized it much) and say, “Mine looks different. I don’t know how to do that on yours.”

Whew. So, how to cope with the fast furious unpredictable schedule? I am “precharting”. For this Tuesday, I spent 70 minutes going through the patient charts on Saturday. Then I may know why they are coming in, if they had a heart attack two weeks ago and are following up, if it is a well child check and the last one was two years ago, if there are outstanding issues like a elevated liver tests or they have not been in for their out of control diabetes for a year. Then, of course, some of them do not show up. It is so busy that all I feel when someone no shows is some relief, like a ray of sunlight in a dark forest. Ok, the person who was horribly sick and in the hospital for a week and had surgery, they really do need to follow up. But I cannot make them, no one can.

We have live translators, outside translators who come with the patient, family sometimes translates and two phone translation systems. Our live translators cover the following. One Spanish only, one Dari, Arabic and ?maybe Russian. A third language. The third does Hindi, Punjabi and something else. I can’t tell by language who is a recent immigrant or refugee or who is a citizen of the United States for thirty years.

The clinic system has high standards for care of an often vulnerable population. However, I have not decided if it falls into a statement by my grandfather: “The higher the ideals of an organization, the worse its’ human relations.” My job in Alamosa had very high ideals, but I was fifth senior doctor out of 15 in a mere two years. A burnout job. This one has three new doctors coming in soon. My training and assistance to learn EPIC has been sparse and not up to my standards. If the new doctors are treated the same way then this is a burnout job as well. This is a place that I could work in intermittently alternating with other places in the country, but only if it is balanced for both the patients and the physicians. The jury is still out, but there are many red flags. It is a six month job and I am two months in, so we shall see.

Hugs to everyone.

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For the Ragtag Daily Prompt: nuts.

The photograph is from Larrabee State Park this weekend. My daughter came out and saw many of her friends, stayed with me, and we camped for one night at Larrabee.

Dissolution

I am sorting, Beloved.

I dream that my sister has drowned
in the ocean. A sailboat went down.
There were others on board.
Two friends ready me to dive and find her.
I don’t want to scuba dive, I am not trained.
I don’t know how to use the equipment.
I am afraid I will drown too.
I see her daughter, who is four.
Her daughter knows from my face that her mother is lost.
My friends say, “You will be able to find her.
You can find your sister.”
“But she is dead,” I say.
“I don’t want to find her.”
I know that they are right, I could find her.
But I might be separated and lost, in the depths.
I don’t want to die too.

I wake up.
The dream sticks.
My friends wanting me to wear a borrowed wetsuit
and scuba gear and go down untrained.
My sister floating in the depths, dead eyes open.
But she has been dead for years, I think.
And this is the sea of dreams
my unconscious
the greater unconscious
everything.
So why isn’t my sister’s body dissolving?
Changing to a skeleton.
A skeleton coming apart over the years.

I don’t need a wetsuit
or scuba gear
to dive in the sea of dreams
I can breathe in the unconscious
I have been to the bottom of the sea
many times before.

My niece is four in the dream.
She was thirteen when her mother died.
I think she was lost to me long before that.
The dream knows.
Her mother was lost to me
when my niece was four.
Drowned.

When the dream returns
I will say yes to the dive
I love the sea and the ocean and going deep
I don’t need a wetsuit
I don’t need scuba gear
I don’t need to find my sister’s body
She is gone
Dissolved
I let my past go.

I have not dreamed of the ocean

since.

__________________________________

I really don’t know where my sister is, because of the family schism after she died. Are her ashes somewhere?

This poem wanted to be born. For the Ragtag Daily Prompt: Who knew?

Done and undone

I am done with my third Grand Junction travel doctor assignment and packing to go home. I don’t think much of my temp company at the moment. I had to nag them for two weeks regarding the travel plans. I had to call both airlines (one hour 18 minutes and one hour 38 minutes) to be sure that taking Sol Duc on board the plane is arranged (it wasn’t). I called the hotel for the day between planes and they do not take pets. I called the company that takes me from the airport the last two hours home and they DID know about the cat. One out of four. They finally switched the hotel on Friday, the last day of work.

Then at 5:18 pm I am sent an email saying I have to vacate on the 19th. The first plane is on the 21st. It was sent by the rep who is covering me and knew the travel arrangements are for the 21st. I am glad that I pay way more attention to detail as a physician than they do to my travel and housing. They frankly suck. And I am not vacating until Monday. They may charge me at which point I will say they need to pay me for spending more than 5 hours fixing their travel screw ups.

I did say to the rep on Friday, “Well, if it’s not arranged today, I will just call the emergency travel line at 5:01 pm. They will help me.” The emergency travel folks cost them more money. That apparently caused them to do the last arrangements. I am doing the travel in two days because otherwise my cat would be in the carrier for 12 or more hours. That is not reasonable.

I am done except for travel home. Today I finish packing and cleaning.

The photograph is Sol Duc in front of our rental house yesterday. I think she will miss the heat here. She seems to quite enjoy 90+ degrees.

________________________

For the Ragtag Daily Prompt: done.

Taste

I am back in Colorado for another work stint.

I am in a different house.

I am in a neighborhood, of cul de sacs that don’t connect. My house is quiet in front but backs on a very busy road, an artery. The speed limit is 40 mph but people often go faster.

The house seems odd to me. There are curtains and shades on every window, all closed when I arrived. I open them, because I like light. There is a 3 by 4 foot television in the living room, another in the master bedroom and a third in a guest bedroom. There is a large kitchen with tons of shelves and cupboards, but a table only seats two, and there are two more chairs at the counter. This feels very odd to me. It seems as if the whole house is arranged to watch television.

I go for a walk in the neighborhood. There are many houses. There are beautifully trimmed lawns and there are flowers and some roses. What is missing? There are no people. Walking a mile and a half, finding the mostly hidden corridors from one cul de sac to the next, I see one man working on his lawn. Even though it is Saturday afternoon, I seen no children, no dogs, no toys. I see two garages that are open, one with a man and in the second I hear a child. Why are there beautiful lawns and no people? And many of the lawns have little flags saying, poison sprayed.

I do turn on one of the televisions after my first day of work. The living room one says that the antenna is not hooked up. The guest bedroom one works. I look on the service. Nearly every movie is about violence and conflict.

I do a little research on the internet. I go to the library and take out 8 books. One is Nonviolent Communication, by Marshall Rosenberg, PhD. Most of the others are fiction. Yet so much fiction is about conflict too. Good triumphing over evil. I am pretty good at nonviolent communication in clinic after 30 years: I want to meet each patient somewhere that is helpful. Sometimes they don’t like what I find, or don’t want to do what I recommend, but I have a deep and abiding faith that everyone can change, that they are smart, that I can make a difference and that they are capable. I think that belief helps daily in clinic.

I choose this book because I want to be better. Some of my family is estranged. I thought that was rare and horrifying at first, years ago. Now I think that it is horrifyingly common, much more common than I realized. How do we heal this? What can we change? I don’t want to be in a dark house with the shades down watching “good” triumph violently over “evil”.

There is a pond, man made, with a fence around it, half a block from my house. There are two male mallards, a female, and eight ducklings. They are fuzzy and delightful. I stop my car and watch the first time I see them, and I walk over too.

I haven’t seen anyone else there. I think we can change. I have hope. I have a deep and abiding faith that we can change.

For the Ragtag Daily Prompt: garlic.

On guard

My nurse’s breath catches. “Oh, no,” she says.

I am new here. Less than a year. “What?” I say.

“We have Janna Birchfield on the schedule.”

“Who is Janna Birchfield?”

Tonna leans back in her chair at the nurse’s station, a high set desk that runs behind the front office. We have new glass barriers along it to make it more hipaa compliant. It is also more claustrophobic. She throws her pen down. “She’s one of the most hostile people here. She’s known for throwing a brick through her second doctor’s plate glass window.”

“Ah,” I say.

“She was Dr. M’s patient but apparently she and Dr. K got in a screaming fight in the hallway. She is banned from that clinic. So we are the last clinic in town.”

My nurse knows the local stories and she has seen a lot. She doesn’t have a lot of unconscious monsters. Yeah, there is some impatience and some anger there, but she’s pretty good. No real fear, nothing cringing at her feet.

“Hmm. Let me talk to Marnie.” Marnie is our office manager.

Marnie and I talk. I read the last notes from Dr. M and an account of the screaming fight with Dr. K. I call Dr. K. I don’t know of anything that scares her and she is tough. I rather enjoy envisioning her yelling back at this patient.

The day arrives and Mrs. Birchfield is put in a room. Vitals are done. I go in.

Janna Birchfield is big. She weighs about twice what I do, and it’s muscle rather than fat. She looks solid. Not like a body builder, just strong. She tops me by nearly a foot. She looks sullen and unfriendly.

And I am looking at her monsters. Three are guarding a fourth, at her feet. Fear is there, anger is the biggest and posturing, like a body builder, in front. The third is morphing back and fourth: envy and hostility. The fourth is in a stroller, guarded by the other three. Asleep? Unconscious? Well, yes, duh, but it’s not often that a monster is so undeveloped that it is still an infant. Not good.

“Hi, Miz Birchfield. I am Dr. Gen.” I hold out my hand, moving slowly and smoothly. Her monsters alert, fear flinching and anger ready to punch. I stand with my hand out. She eventually touches it, glaring.

“Hi,” sullen.

“We need to talk about the clinic rules first.” I say calmly. Anger puffs up and her shoulders rise as the monster swells and takes control, her elbows rising and hands are fists. Her eyes don’t turn red, but nearly. “I have heard about your argument with Dr. K.”

Furious voice, “She screamed at me. She’s a horrible doctor! She got me thrown out!”

I am smooth and calm, “I am not going to discuss Dr. K,” I say. Honestly, it’s even more fun to think of Dr. K taking this on and not budging an inch. Dr. K is my size, small. “In this clinic, I need you to understand that you are not allowed to yell at anyone at the front desk, in the hallways or on the phone.” Anger flees immediately, small again and she looks confused. “You may not yell at the staff, at the other patients, or at anyone on the clinic property.”

“Why would I agree to that?” she says. She is mostly confused because I am not scared or angry. I am not behaving the way she expects, the way most people behave around her.

“If you are upset, the only people you can yell at are me or the office manager and you need an appointment.”

“They are rude to me!” Basically she means everyone. “You can’t make me do that!”

“Take it or leave it.” I say. “You need to agree and keep the agreement, or we will discharge you immediately. If you say no, leave now, and I won’t charge for the visit.”

Her monsters are confused. Anger has shrunk back down and they are conferring, heads together. Confusion has shown up as well, morphing though different colors and stripes, stars and paisleys. She stares at me, frozen hostility. I just wait, sitting in front of my laptop, serene. This is going well. She isn’t yelling and she hasn’t left.

“What if they are mean?” she says.

“You will make an appointment with me or the office manager, and we will help you.”

“Ok,” she says. The monsters are still surrounding the carriage, but really, now confusion is in charge. We work through the rest of the visit, as I get to know her a little. She has had a hard, hard life.

I let the front office and the nurses know the rules. The office manager and I let them know that this is a contract with the patient and she has agreed. They feel protected. They feel protected enough that they are nice to her. She behaves and starts, infinitesimally, to relax. She is still angry and hostile in the exam room but it’s not directed at me. It is directed at the entire world, the rest of the world outside the clinic. I try to help her medically but also let the monsters have their say. The visits start with anger and hostility but tend to subside into confusion. I am not getting at the fear or whatever is in the stroller. It is one of the large old fashioned ones, heavy, navy blue, where an infant can lie flat. Clearly it does not fold up to go in a car or anywhere else convenient. There are no toys hanging from the top or across it, no stuffed animals. Only a form under the blankets, always still.

I may reach that form, or not. I do not know.

For the Ragtag Daily Prompt: paleontology.

Purity’s post

The root word for Katherine is pure, so Purity will write today’s post. Purity read about illeism in this BBC article: https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20230411-illeism-the-ancient-trick-to-help-you-think-more-wisely. Purity admits that it feels a bit embarrassing to write in the third person here on the blog, very egotistical, but that is not what the article is about. It is about writing that way in one’s journal. Purity has been trying it and it is interesting. It sets events at a distance and quiets and muffles the emotions related to events. How very curious.

Purity does not plan to keep writing this way on the blog nor does she plan to start speaking with a royal we. However, the United States appears to be in a state of chaotic stupidity and it is affecting everyone. Not just in the United States, but the rest of the world as well. Purity thinks of the United States as a teenage country, struggling with hormones, while the old countries stand back, watch and sigh. “At some point he will mature,” they say to each other. “Or destroy himself.” And yes, a male teenage country, stupid and boastful with testosterone. Purity thinks it will take the United States another 200 years to live down President #47 and his minions, if we survive.

At any rate, Purity hopes that the prompt of illeism might be more light hearted and be a new word to some people and tickle their fancies. Apparently our fancies mostly lie in our cats. Cats certainly seem to be experts in illeism. May you each feel as wonderful today as a cat when they own the world.

For the Ragtag Daily Prompt: illiesm.

Impersonal Day

After I post my story about nuisance on Thursday, I have a bigger nuisance show up. I get ready for work, tell my cat to have a lovely day, get in the car, open the garage door, back out and press the button to close the door.

It doesn’t close.

I try again.

It won’t close and is wonky at the base.

Dang it. I pull back into the driveway and investigate. Two of the wheels are out of the track and it’s obviously broken. There is a button lock between the garage and the house, but the garage also has stuff in it from the owners, including tools. I get a chair, stand on it and am clear very quickly that I can’t fix it.

Next I call work and apologize, but I can’t secure the house and can’t leave. They cancel my day. I have to dig around for the rental number but I find it. I call once, text, wait a bit and call again. He calls back and sends a person over.

The person take about half an hour to get there and he can’t fix it. They call a garage door company.

So now I am cooling my heels and stuck here. My kids all have wishlists for Christmas so I get everything ordered and sent off to my son’s. They will be rather inundated with packages since one Amazon order generated 7 packages all on different days. Goodness. I do some cooking, read a novel, and wait.

At 3 pm I let the rental person know that I am still waiting.

At 4:15 two garage door people show up. The wire at the opposite side from where the wheels are off is all tangled and off the rails. They have some specialized tools and it is fixed by 4:45. Part of the time is just them waiting for payment permission to go ahead with the fix. The garage door now opens and closes! I thank them and they head out. Turns out that their boss lives on my street.

A friend says, “You called in a personal day.”

“No,” I reply, “I called in a stuff goes wrong day. A very impersonal day.” My work did not give me any grief at all about it. We were already shorthanded but what could any of us do? Apologies to any patients who got canceled! We all do the best we can, right? Things break down sometimes.

For the Ragtag Daily Prompts: shopping and nuisance.

I deleted some past posts to make room but apparently not enough, sigh. Another bit of a nuisance. I can post a phone photograph but not one from my bigger camera.

Print or cursive?

My father’s father was a pressman and the head pressman when he was in Knoxville, Tennessee. This is back in the lead type times, when the type had to be set before printing the newspapers. Before they moved to Knoxville, they lived in Connecticut. My father said that my grandfather helped develop the four color process for the comics. My father would get the new comic books, Superman, straight off of my grandfather’s press. Too bad those were thrown out!

I started cursive in school in about fourth grade and I did not like it. I learned, but I thought it was ugly. My father knew how to write in italics. I liked italics much more and asked him to teach me. I adapted the capital letters to make them easier and then I wrote my papers in italics when we were not allowed to print. The teachers objected but I pointed out that we weren’t allowed to print in the papers, but it did not say, “No italics.” I imagine that some teachers found me difficult.

My cursive is still stuck in about fifth grade and I almost never use it.

Meanwhile fast forward. A law is passed in Washington State that prescriptions cannot be written in cursive. However, it does not say that we have to print. The same loophole. I usually printed prescriptions anyhow, so that the pharmacist could read it. I got compliments occasionally for printing in a legible way. I didn’t spell certain medicines correctly, but the pharmacists never seemed to care about that. Now it is all by fax and since Covid started, even the controlled substances go by fax.

For the Ragtag Daily Prompt: print.

Wait

I came close but no cigar
I want a mind that I can love
hand holding mine in the car
I send a quiet prayer above
Love of nature, kind to friends
not afraid of their own dark
Lust to learn until their end
willing to risk to build an ark
Curious but not controlling
Not addicted to booze or drugs
Intense at times and others strolling
Opinions, laughter and lots of hugs
My heart open yet I don’t faint
I think I am waiting for a saint

_____________________________

I wrote the poem yesterday, but I have used up my memory in wordpress and now I need to go through and delete things. Any advice, Martha? I know you did it. It seems that I have to delete the post and the photograph, or is that not true? Advice welcomed.

I search my photographs for gloves and it comes up with two: foxgloves! Well, strictly speaking, that is a form of glove, right?

For the Ragtag Daily Prompt: glove.

The boring vampire

I meet a boring vampire
when I am boring too
when I am worrying with angst and ire
and have too much to do

It’s in the time of covid
We start to walk the beaches
The vampire won’t take paxlovid
His ego overreaches

He says his life’s perfection
He says his brain can’t fit his head
He has no belief in resurrection
That’s probably because he’s dead

I wonder that he lies
Does he think that I don’t see?
The person that believes the lies
Must be him, not me

I grieve before he ousts me
He says he’ll always be my friend
And he speaks of longing to be free
I know there will be an end

I know before he ousts me
He says we’re friends forever
I blink and calmly see
That it will soon be never

Some vampires don’t need staking
They do it to themselves
Isolation of their making
Hoarding blood upon their shelves

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The photograph is a “swamp robin” (Varied Thrush) from my yard, December 2022.

This has nothing to do with the Ragtag Daily Prompt: festival. Except that swamp robins are very festive.