I have a poem up at Edge of Humanity Magazine, many thanks.
Once Burnt
Tag Archives: poem
always on your mind
This is a compilation poem from more than one song and more than one person I’ve dated. A friend and I really dislike a song her husband sings that has the “I wish that you had told me” line. We make faces at each other and whisper, “We wish that you had listened.”
Sometimes I am treated as an admiring audience by a male. At least, that is the role he would like me to play. I get pretty bored pretty quickly. If he doesn’t give me reasonable floor time, if he doesn’t listen, well, goodbye. Find another female slave. One male tells me that my poetry doesn’t matter. I think, oh, I guess it doesn’t matter to YOU, but it certainly matters to ME. There is a certain wicked enjoyment in writing poetry that references his words, heh heh. Enjoy!
October 8, 2022
________________________
always on your mind
the songs you sing
I was always on your mind
you wish that I had told you
isn’t that a lie?
you told me never to ask you
to do anything. Ever.
what was always on your mind
you told me many times
you could read mine
what was always on your mind
you said you could read mine
I wish you had. Even once.
what was always on your mind
was your fantasy me
who obeyed your every wish
what was always on your mind
was that I would wait at home
available to listen or for sex
what was always on your mind
your terror of the ball and chain
that I’d entrap you into marriage
what was always on your mind
had nothing to do with me
I tried hard to tell you
what was always on your mind
had nothing to do with me
I tried hard to tell you
what was always on your mind
was a fantasy. Not me.
How can you be surprised I’m gone?
you wish that I had told you
you say I was always on your mind
I wish that you had listened even once
_______________________________
I took the photograph on Marrowstone Island a few days ago.
stone
stone shaped heart
refuse to love me
refuse to let me in
I don’t try to change you
I am here to change me
not you
not to bury or change or rewrite my past
but to unearth past feelings
to examine them without prejudice or fear
to hold them with love and care
so that they don’t inform the present
so that my feelings are now and not mixed with past
I listen to what you say
I am here with you to learn
what are you saying to me?
you say you are always truthful
but you break laws
you smoke some stuff, legal now
you say you do not speed
sometimes you do not speed
sometimes you do
you say you never watch series
when I suggest a series
now you tell me you are watching a series
you say you never try to hurt me
mostly you never try to hurt me
except when you do
you say you never lie
you seem to believe what you say
I don’t
I try to pay attention to what I say
I try not to say never
I try not to lie to myself
I watch you and wonder
what lies do I tell over and over
to myself and others?
_______________________
Written 6/22/22
only when I’m hungry (1)
sometimes
I still miss you
then I have to check
if I am hungry
I’m doing well, you see
I only miss you when I’m hungry
I’m moving on
but sometimes I still get hungry
hunger is tied up with fear
in childhood
and grief and abandonment
When you fed me
that was huge
You don’t feed me any more
Sometimes I still miss you
but only when I’m hungry
I think you’ve joined the dead
the angry dead
who didn’t feed me
and didn’t love me
or loved me during anger
and wouldn’t feed me
Sometimes I still miss you
but only when I’m hungry
________________
Photo taken by my friend JB.
(You always know) post trauma
You always know
You always know
when I am afraid
when I am running
when I am hiding
how afraid I am
when I keep secrets
You always know
so far
when I am triggered and terrified
and hiding and broken
and pretending to be ok
so far
you respond
and are gentle
draw me out
offer food
and company
You always know
so far
and I am still afraid
and I am still planning
and this is what I am hiding
the plan for what I will do
What I will do
when you know
you always know
when you know
but you don’t
respond
when you donβt respond
and aren’t gentle
don’t draw me out
don’t offer food
or company
You always know
so far
But I feel safer
if I don’t
trust
11/28/21
lair
alone and sad
lurk in your lair
information
rotting there
you say you read
what I write
but not what or when
or day or night
collect words
webbing glue
word mummies
stick to you
you don’t connect
you don’t share
you say you never
never care
your web is touched
vibrates fast
fangs extend
webbing cast
you bite your victim
in spite of screams
anesthetize
steal their dreams
I ask questions
you scold me coldly
I break the web
fight poison boldly
read my words
as you will
I’ve escaped your web
as others will
your web is old
you’re growing slow
your poison fails
your victims know
you end alone
sag sagging web
your victims glad
when you are dead
___________________________
A second darker take on the Ragtag Daily Prompt: dream world.
peace you peace me
I forgive you faster then past trauma
choose to let go of all the drama
you told me that I should let go
I am letting go of you and want you to know
I am letting go of all the past trauma
family fighting, intolerance, stupid drama
breathe in love, breathe out love
peace be with you, olive branch and dove
let the fight or flight gently fall away
breathe in peace and air all your day
breathe slowly, five out, five in
muscles relax and face in a grin
sending love whether you respond or not
forgiveness for harm and grief and loss, all rot
I am choosing peace and choosing to breathe slow
your friendship is deeply valued, I hope you know
peace you peace me peace all our friends
kindness is contagious and laughter among friends
I still have hope in the earth, breathing in and out
peace earth, moon, sun, peace within and without
sorrow
Most of the time I am fine (I miss you I miss you I miss you).
I am busy during the day (You said I needed my own life).
What shut you down, I wonder (the family event).
You said I always try to learn daily (you say you refuse to change).
I have friends that love me and my kids (you say you do not love me).
I don’t think I know what love is (your actions felt like love sometimes).
Mostly I don’t think about you (sometimes it is very dark).
I hope that you are well (I wish I wanted you to be happy without me).
I am patching my heart again (for you I use elk sinew).
The deer remind me (life goes on, even when one doesn’t want it to).
A previous poem, when my sister died: The deer remind me.
small part
there is a part of each of us
that we don’t control
a stubborn stubborn voice
inside that won’t do what we want
insisting: the person promised
we would always be friends
the person promised
so they could come back
yes, I say, but that doesn’t mean
they WILL come back
people can lie
people can refuse to change
they promised
insists that stubborn voice
which will not give up
ever
and no matter what I say
I can’t shake her
she waits
and waits
________________
For the RDP: understand.
angels
The Ragtag Daily Prompt is halo, and I wrote this yesterday, after a discussion with a new friend about angels and my angel dream.
______________________________
angels
light angels fall into dark
dark angels fall into light
there is no separation
we are longing for the Beloved
we are longing to be reunited with the Beloved
we have never been separate
we are one
light falling in to dark
dark falling in to light
seeing both is grace
no separation
You must be logged in to post a comment.