safe enough to have a fence and roses

A friend said that he observed me for a long time before we got to know each other a little.

I asked what he observed. He said, “Thoughtful, deliberate and shy.”

I started laughing and said I am not shy. But….that is not true. I am guarded all the time with people. Even with him, still.

So what am I guarding and what is shy?

I have a little girl self that is very very shy. Hidden for a very long time. Now I have felt safe enough that she can play. I see her as playing in a wild place. Sun and a forest and a stream and a field. Sometimes it rains. She plays alone in the sun with rocks by the stream or runs in the field or climbs the trees.

I think many people have a small child hurt and hidden. I think it’s common. I think sometimes it’s so well hidden they can’t even reach it.

At any rate, my small child can’t be reached by any sort of force or intimidation. She could only be reached by gentleness. Another small child with daisies and even then, trust would take a long time. At first she would run away and hide. And I don’t think it will happen and I have given up, but I can still love her and protect her. And she is happy in her wild place, lonely sometimes, but happy.

Every time I see the pink soft romantic roses in my front yard I laugh, because those roses are for that little girl part, shy and romantic. She feels safe enough to have a fence and roses.

the photo is from my front yard and the rose is Betty Boop

Cat Collapse Disorder

Boa cat is 11. We got her and Princess Mittens when my daughter was 7.

Last summer Princess Mittens was killed by a car in front of our house. We were looking for her the day after she went missing. A neighbor said, “There is a cat dead across the street. I’m sorry.” Yes, it was Princess, all stiff. We put her in a box and brought her in the living room. Boa came in, and went stiff legged, arched and fur on end and backed out of the room. She had been crying and looking for Princess and she stopped then.

The next morning we dug a hole and buried Princess in the back yard. Boa joined us and watched. She avoided the living room for 24 hours and then was ok.

Without her companion, she is more social. Princess was the one who would come into the middle of a party and lie down as equidistant from all the people as possible. Boa would rarely venture out in company but now she is social.

In January she started dropping weight. She didn’t look right. By March I worried. I changed her food first, to an all protein, no corn, no GMO one. In May she went to the vet. She is an indoor outdoor cat. I let her out for a while when I am up writing in the hour of stupid early and the hour of insomnia and the hour of convalescence. Both cats would return when I clapped, because that meant I was locking the door and might not open it again until I returned from work. No cat door. We have a family of raccoons and they can get a bit exciting in the house.

The vet said fleas and parasites and maybe we should do a whole bunch of things including antibiotics. I negotiated by phone from Portland. My daughter promised to pat Boa while I was gone. She’s a bit cat allergic, so usually she doesn’t. She said, “Can I wear your clothes if I am going to pat Boa?” Well, good idea. She wore a cat-patting outfit and then promptly changed.

Anyhow, Boa is still thin but better. And so why would she have fleas and parasites and general awfulness after we’ve pretty much managed her the same way for 11 years? Grief, I think. I got terribly ill after my sister died and then after my father died. I think that grief lowered her immune mechanisms and she was just prone to everything. And why did I switch her food? I don’t think that cats normally eat corn or much vegetable filler, and so I wanted her nutrition to be as normally cat like as possible. Also, this spring she caught and ate 7 mice and two birds and she has never done that before. I think she had realized that the cat food I had for her was not ok. Since I switched foods, she has not brought in any catches. She also thinks I’m a bit dense, but you know….

I used to think those people who bought organic for their pets were nuts. But I can change my mind.

But reading about honeybee collapse disorder, it’s not one mechanism: http://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0006481. It looks like it’s multifactorial. Do GMOs bother honeybees enough that then they are more likely to get parasites and mites and whatever? Or maybe the bees are grieving…..

The picture is from 2005. Boa is the black one and Princess Mittens is the black and white tabby.

Red, blue, gold

This is for Photrablogger’s Mundane Monday Challenge #26: this is not actually the golden hour but it’s still golden, with silhouettes. This is our swim team at the end of the meet on Thursday, sun coming through the paper over the windows, the team red capes with the coach wearing one and the aqua above and below….. no retouch at all.

Top ten causes of death: US 1915

Now, let’s do the time warp again, back to 1915 in the United States.

All causes of death 815,500 recorded deaths. Rate of deaths per 100,000: 1317.6

Rates are per 100,000 estimated midyear population.

According to http://www.demographia.com/db-uspop1900.htm, the US population was 100,546,000 in 1915.

Top ten causes of death US 1015

1. Diseases of the heart: 101,429

2. Pneumonia (all forms) and influenza:90,330

3. Tuberculosis (all forms):86,725

4. Nephritis (all forms):62,841

5. Intracranial lesions of vascular origin: 58,460

6. Cancer and other malignant tumors: 49,935

7. Accidents excluding motor-vehicle: 42,500

8. Diarrhea, enteritis and ulceration of the intestines: 41,771

9. Premature birth: 27,712

10. Senility : 11,555

Premature birth is on this list, at a rate of 2.6% of all the deaths. Heart disease is at the top of the list, though pneumonia and influenza take over the top of the list in 1918 and stay at the top for a while. We have not had an influenza that deadly since then, but it looks like we will…..

The 1915 list used the Fifth Revision of International Lists. This changes as I go through the table of death causes and rates, the International Classification of Disease is used, the Ninth Revision in 1975 and the Tenth Revision in May of 1990. The Eleventh has a release date of 2018. The US goes to ICD 10 on October first, but not the same ICD-10 as the rest of the world. Ours has 48,000 diagnosis codes. The rest of the world uses one with 14,000 codes. So senility had a different definition than Alzheimer’s.

http://www.who.int/classifications/icd/en/

The picture is me on my maternal grandfather’s lap in a summer cabin in Ontario, Canada. He was a physician, a psychiatrist. Think how much things have changed since he finished medical school until I did…..

my love is so sweet

my love is so sweet
my heart sees him and skips a beat
my heart feels like it trips
how many beats do you think I’ll miss?

(all count the skips out loud)

you’ve got it really bad
it’s pathetic, you’re so sad
all day long I hear your sighs
guess how many times I roll my eyes

(all count the skips out loud)

 

The photo is mine from the 2015 Wooden Boat Festival

Boats and water

Photrablogger asked “Water water everywhere :DΒ I am curious to know about your connection with boats and canoes. Because you grew up playing in such an environment?”

My maternal grandparents bought land on a lake in Ontario in the 1930s and we were all imprinted like ducks…. went there many summers. I went this summer. My family moved but that was the place where I knew the rocks and the trees and the cabins. My family was in tents, so I am particularly attached to the land. I use the cabin but want to sleep in a tent and hear the water and the wind and the rain…..

I don’t know who took the photo: from 1963, I think, I was two.

Solar panels in the mist

This is for Photrablogger’s Mundane Monday number 25.

I took this in 2005 at Lake Matinenda in Ontario. The solar panel raft charges a battery that in turn powers a pump to fill a hot tub on a cliff about 12 feet above the water. It is a box with a custom pond liner and a propane pool heater. The raft was deployed each summer.

This year the solar panels are moving to the roof of the cabin….. no more raft.