Tag Archives: photography

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Concord

my heart is broken
love doesn’t conquer all
unselfish love
unreturned
unrequited
opens me to wound after wound
some turn from love no matter what
cling to the lies they tell themselves
cling to the poison they embrace
turn from love into the uncaring bottle
turn from love into the insensate smoke
turn from love even to the grave

I wish my heart would let them go
and heal

__________________

My friend Liz took the photograph, half way through the Rainshadow Chorale concert last Sunday.

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Alcohol myths

I am back working in Colorado and a recurring theme this month is alcohol and alcohol myths.

Myth: If I only drink on my days off, I am not an alcoholic. Nope. People can binge one day a week and still be an alcoholic. A standard “dose” of alcohol is 12 ounces of 5% beer, 5 ounces of standard wine or 1.5 ounces of liquor. But what if someone drinks 8% beer, 12 ounces? Well, that’s 1.6 standard drinks. An 8% 16 ounce beer? That is 1.6 times 1.3, so 2.08 drinks. Perhaps we should have an app that calculates this. And locks the car ignition when we are over the limit.

How much alcohol means that we are an alcoholic? The guidelines right now in the US say 7 drinks per week maximum for women, 14 for men, no more than one in 24 hours for women, no more than 2 in 24 hours for men and no saving it up for the weekend. Here: https://www.niaaa.nih.gov/health-professionals-communities/core-resource-on-alcohol/basics-defining-how-much-alcohol-too-much#pub-toc3. However, alcohol is bad for the liver, bad for the heart, bad for the brain, and increases cancer risk. There is not a “safe” amount.

What is binging or heavy drinking? For women—4 or more drinks on any day or 8 or more per week, For men—5 or more drinks on any day or 15 or more per week. The rate at which people drink is also part of this.

MYTH: If I don’t throw up, I’m not an alcoholic. Now that’s an interesting one. When we drink, alcohol is absorbed into the blood and goes through the liver. The liver has enzymes which break alcohol down into aldehyde. Aldehyde is a carcinogen, causes cancer. Aldehyde is broken down by other enzymes into acetate and then to carbon dioxide and water. Some people break down the aldehyde quickly, fast metabolizers. They can drink a lot and not throw up because they break the aldehyde down fast. However, the process inflames and kills liver cells. If they keep drinking, the liver slowly dies, and this is cirrhosis. Eventually they will not be able to break down alcohol fast because the liver makes the enzymes. Then they will start throwing up.

Other people make enzymes that are slower or make less, and they get sick and have alcohol poisoning more quickly. The fast metabolizers are at higher risk for cirrhosis and the slow ones for liver cancer, but they can get either.

MYTH: “My blood pressure is fine.” I spoke to a person who stated that their blood pressure was ok during pregnancy so they did not have high blood pressure. The chart shows very high blood pressure for the last three years and I didn’t look back further. I ask, “Did you stop drinking alcohol while pregnant?” “Of course.” When NOT pregnant, this person admits to 4-5 drinks a day. Also, the history in the chart states that they had blood pressure complications in pregnancy. I did not have time to go through the chart and look at that, but this person is in denial. I think of denial as the addiction taking over and the addiction lies. It lies to me but it also lies to the person. They want to believe what they say. They want everyone else to believe what they say even if it is patently a lie and ridiculous. A woman who says a friend gave her something, she didn’t know what it was, for a headache. “How did you take it?” I asked, looking at the urine dip results. “I snorted it.” “So what things do you snort for a headache?” She was positive for cocaine and pleading ignorance was ludicrous. Another person has a positive urine drug screen for multiple things. “Can I try again?” Pause. “Sure.” I say. The first one is a false sample and I am very curious to see what the real sample will have. It has nothing. He is then surprised that I won’t fill his prescription and offer inpatient drug rehabilitation. Come now, sir, you got a urine sample from a dealer when you sold the medicine I gave you for something else. Your dealer must have been annoyed or gave you the wrong sample. When someone is really out of control, they do not have convincing lies and the only person they can convince is themselves. It is interesting to watch someone be all outraged that I do not buy the story, accusing me of discrimination or hating them or hating their race or whatever. They attempt to accuse and distract. It is harder for families because they desperately want to believe their loved one, even when the evidence shouts the opposite.

What does blood pressure have to do with alcohol? Alcohol drives blood pressure up and pulse, especially when it is wearing off. Severe alcohol withdrawal is delerium tremens and people can have such high blood pressure that they have a stroke or a heart attack or encephalopathy — a poisoned brain. They can hallucinate or have seizures and it is very dangerous. “Very dangerous” means they could die or have permanent disability. Tobacco, cocaine, methamphetamines, all raise blood pressure. The number one cause of death in the United States is the heart, but it’s not just from hypertension and weight and cholesterol and inactivity. Addictive drugs have a huge contribution.

There is nothing cheap about the cost of addiction in our country.

For the Ragtag Daily Prompt: cheap.

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Taste

I am back in Colorado for another work stint.

I am in a different house.

I am in a neighborhood, of cul de sacs that don’t connect. My house is quiet in front but backs on a very busy road, an artery. The speed limit is 40 mph but people often go faster.

The house seems odd to me. There are curtains and shades on every window, all closed when I arrived. I open them, because I like light. There is a 3 by 4 foot television in the living room, another in the master bedroom and a third in a guest bedroom. There is a large kitchen with tons of shelves and cupboards, but a table only seats two, and there are two more chairs at the counter. This feels very odd to me. It seems as if the whole house is arranged to watch television.

I go for a walk in the neighborhood. There are many houses. There are beautifully trimmed lawns and there are flowers and some roses. What is missing? There are no people. Walking a mile and a half, finding the mostly hidden corridors from one cul de sac to the next, I see one man working on his lawn. Even though it is Saturday afternoon, I seen no children, no dogs, no toys. I see two garages that are open, one with a man and in the second I hear a child. Why are there beautiful lawns and no people? And many of the lawns have little flags saying, poison sprayed.

I do turn on one of the televisions after my first day of work. The living room one says that the antenna is not hooked up. The guest bedroom one works. I look on the service. Nearly every movie is about violence and conflict.

I do a little research on the internet. I go to the library and take out 8 books. One is Nonviolent Communication, by Marshall Rosenberg, PhD. Most of the others are fiction. Yet so much fiction is about conflict too. Good triumphing over evil. I am pretty good at nonviolent communication in clinic after 30 years: I want to meet each patient somewhere that is helpful. Sometimes they don’t like what I find, or don’t want to do what I recommend, but I have a deep and abiding faith that everyone can change, that they are smart, that I can make a difference and that they are capable. I think that belief helps daily in clinic.

I choose this book because I want to be better. Some of my family is estranged. I thought that was rare and horrifying at first, years ago. Now I think that it is horrifyingly common, much more common than I realized. How do we heal this? What can we change? I don’t want to be in a dark house with the shades down watching “good” triumph violently over “evil”.

There is a pond, man made, with a fence around it, half a block from my house. There are two male mallards, a female, and eight ducklings. They are fuzzy and delightful. I stop my car and watch the first time I see them, and I walk over too.

I haven’t seen anyone else there. I think we can change. I have hope. I have a deep and abiding faith that we can change.

For the Ragtag Daily Prompt: garlic.

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Friends forever no matter what

My small child self is happy
Happy inside
She loves who she loves
Living or dead
In contact or fled
Distant or close
She loves who she loves
And I hold her close

My adult self is happy
Happy inside
I love who I love
And the world is so wide
Living or dead
In contact or fled
Loving forever
No matter what happens
I love who I love
My heart holds them close

My small child grieved losses
I hold her close
She loves them all
I guard her from most
She stays friends forever
No matter the grief
She is happy in loving
Her loves shine as stars
The ones who are hurtful
Are loved from afar
She’s held and she’s loved
And her love sings unmarred

_______________________________________

For the Ragtag Daily Prompt: dogwood and for Mother’s Day. Mine died 25 years ago.

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Purity’s post

The root word for Katherine is pure, so Purity will write today’s post. Purity read about illeism in this BBC article: https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20230411-illeism-the-ancient-trick-to-help-you-think-more-wisely. Purity admits that it feels a bit embarrassing to write in the third person here on the blog, very egotistical, but that is not what the article is about. It is about writing that way in one’s journal. Purity has been trying it and it is interesting. It sets events at a distance and quiets and muffles the emotions related to events. How very curious.

Purity does not plan to keep writing this way on the blog nor does she plan to start speaking with a royal we. However, the United States appears to be in a state of chaotic stupidity and it is affecting everyone. Not just in the United States, but the rest of the world as well. Purity thinks of the United States as a teenage country, struggling with hormones, while the old countries stand back, watch and sigh. “At some point he will mature,” they say to each other. “Or destroy himself.” And yes, a male teenage country, stupid and boastful with testosterone. Purity thinks it will take the United States another 200 years to live down President #47 and his minions, if we survive.

At any rate, Purity hopes that the prompt of illeism might be more light hearted and be a new word to some people and tickle their fancies. Apparently our fancies mostly lie in our cats. Cats certainly seem to be experts in illeism. May you each feel as wonderful today as a cat when they own the world.

For the Ragtag Daily Prompt: illiesm.

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If eggs aren’t available, why can we still buy chicken?

I note this article this week: https://apnews.com/article/usda-firings-doge-bird-flu-trump-fdd6495cbe44c96d471ae8c6cf4dd0a8. That version says that the Trump Administration is trying to rehire bird flu experts that got fired. Most of the news outlets frame it differently: https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/doge/usda-accidentally-fired-officials-bird-flu-rehire-rcna192716. Suddenly it is the USDA at fault not the Trump administration’s chainsaw fool.

Should we worry about bird flu? Oh, yes, I think so. I have been wondering why we still have chicken to eat and chicken in the stores, if millions of chickens are being wiped out to try to prevent H5N1 bird influenza from moving into humans. This article explains in unreassuring detail how factory farms, packing chickens together, and killing them at 6 weeks old for meat, puts pressure on the virus to become more deadly and kill the host. In wild birds the influenza virus wants to spread, so it’s better not to kill the host fast. That is not true on our national and international big factory farms.

The Unnatural History of Bird Flu

Firing the people working the track the H5N1 bird influenza and trying to stop it if it starts going human to human, well. Is that injustice or arrogance or stupidity? Or all three? And who wants to work for the government now? It is being treated as a corporation, but it isn’t a corporation. Public service often pays less. Good luck hiring the best and brightest who want to serve our country and humanity.

This is the worst year in the US for influenza since 2017-2018 so far. That is without the H5N1 bird influenza really getting in to people. Here is the graph for the week ending February 15th from the CDC. I keep an eye on it all through influenza season.

The article on H5N1 bird influenza is the best argument I’ve ever read for choosing not to eat meat. I like meat, but the factory farming is going to more countries. It may produce more eggs and more chickens, but if it is also the perfect breeding ground for lethal influenza, that changes my viewpoint. We cannot go on. We will have another pandemic.

Why are humans such fools?

For the Ragtag Daily Prompt: injustice.

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Unweighted

Words behind my back
damaging
hurtful
gossip and lies
I forgive
I wait

I wait

I wait, wait, weight

Weighted 13 years
For them to speak to me
Instead of about me
At last waiting makes me angry
I have forgiven
tried to connect
some of them say they love me
this is not love
waiting
weight of hurt and anger

And I let go
of the wait
of the weight

I forgive myself
I am free
I rise
I let them go
they are forgiven
but they may not enter my life
again
not ever

I forgive myself
I am free
I rise

unweighted

________________________

For the Ragtag Daily Prompts: weight and chopper. My heart is what is chopped, and the abandoning friends and family wielded the choppers.

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New scar and whale songs

My receptionist of 6 years at Quimper Family Medicine, Pat McKinney, died on February 6th. The photograph is from October, when I was in Port Townsend again for two weeks. She and I went for a walk. Well, I was walking and she was in a wheelchair. She was in hospice for over a year.

We had fun working together. Pat played music at her desk because the patient rooms were not quite sound proof enough. One day she was playing whale songs. I hear her on the phone with a patient. “The noise? Those are whale songs.” Pause. “Oh, Dr. Ottaway insists on whale songs.” I started laughing, because she was the one that picked them. So much for MY reputation.

When the covid vaccine came out, I got mine as a first responder. A few days later we had a lull between patients. I was standing in the hall near Pat’s desk. I said, “I don’t know why people are fussing about the vaccine, it seems fine to me,” and I gave a big twitch. Pat started laughing. I could set her off all day by twitching at her.

Patricia McKinney, 2/17/1943 – 2/5/2025.

For the Ragtag Daily Prompt scars.

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Ice climb

Friday afternoon I drive to Ouray, Colorado, to meet a friend from high school. She has been ice climbing for years! I plan to watch, because ice climbing sounds terrifying. But I do take my harness, just in case. My friend talks me into trying it. The picture is NOT me. That is a competitor and she is amazing!

My climb was at the beginner ice wall. There are volunteers with loaner gear from gear companies. Boots, crampons, two ice axes and a helmet. My friend and a friend of hers give me instructions and I watch my friend climb first. She will be climbing all week!

I am wearing 1980s snow pants. Puffy and unstylish, but very very warm! I got all the way up and acquitted myself decently! Kicking each foot into the ice and then trusting that it will hold me, that is the interesting bit. Heel down, so that the crampon, boot and foot become a lever. And all the time in the climbing gym helped me to trust the harness, trust the ice axes, trust my feet.

For the Ragtag Daily Prompt: lever.

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Travel risks

The President is withdrawing the United States from the World Health Organization. https://www.whitehouse.gov/presidential-actions/2025/01/withdrawing-the-united-states-from-the-worldhealth-organization/

Here is the link to write to the President: https://www.45office.com/contact/

I am writing daily, just not for the Ragtag Daily Prompt. Here is my short note today:

Dear President Trump: I strongly disagree with withdrawing the United States from the World Health Organization. One function of that organization is travel clinics. If a person is traveling to another country, they can find out what illnesses are present there and get immunizations and advice to avoid getting ill. This also helps physicians treat people who have returned from another country. The physician can contact a state health department which is in turn connected to the World Health Organization. This is a foolish, dramatic and unscientific decision on your part. I suggest that you reverse it immediately or resign as President.

________________

The question I have, is he closing the borders to United States citizens too? Without the travel clinics, who get information about each country from the World Health Organization, aren’t even our own state department employees at higher risk for illness? My son was an exchange student to southern Thailand. At the time he went, there was Japanese encephalitis. He was there two years after the tsunami. He got vaccinated for Japanese encephalitis before he went and he also took medicine to avoid malaria. So, are we not going to send or accept any more exchange students?

I strongly disagree with the decision to leave the World Health Organization and our country is on the verge of crazy.

For the Ragtag Daily Prompt: verge.