by

H is for heal

H for heal, healing, healed.

Heal is not used as a feeling as much as healing or healed in conversation. Unless you are a healer and you hope to heal someone. But we use healing frequently or say, “I need to heal from that.” What do you want to heal from? A physical, a mental, a spiritual or an emotional healing? They are all tied together and we need them all. I am working with a massage therapist, once every two weeks. I chose massage for healing because my sister and father had died 14 months apart and about ten months later I thought, I need some help. And the thought of discussing my family was horrifying. I thought, I don’t want talk therapy. Let’s go at it from another angle: heal and help the body and the mind will follow. I feel much better now….

verb (used with object)
1. to make healthy, whole, or sound; restore to health; free from ailment.
2. to bring to an end or conclusion, as conflicts between people or groups, usually with the strong implication of restoring former amity; settle; reconcile:
They tried to heal the rift between them but were unsuccessful.
3. to free from evil; cleanse; purify: to heal the soul.

verb (used without object)
4. to effect a cure.
5. (of a wound, broken bone, etc.) to become whole or sound; mend; get well (often followed by up or over).

H

I am a family doctor and one area of healing that we should use more is going outside, going for a walk and going in the woods. Why? I was feeling gloomy yesterday am and walked down the wooded paths in my neighborhood. The birds are celebrating spring. A deer stood watching me on the path, immobile in hopes that I wouldn’t see her. A sapsucker was up in the top of a dead madrona tree. I only walked ten blocks, but the new information from being outside and watching and listening, blew the gloom right out of my mind. The brain is geared for new neurological information using all the senses. We do NOT use them for computer and especially not for television. So go outside and blow the cobwebs away! And if you have a feeling you are not comfortable with, take it for a walk and show it birds and squirrels and just let it be present. Be kind to it and yourself. Heal.

I took the photograph Saturday. I walked into my lower yard and the deer and a yearling were startled. I stopped and the deer did too. She kept looking at an evergreen to her right, and at last the cat walked out from the lower branches…. If a cat may look at a king, then a deer can look at a cat….

 

by

G is for gluttonous

Welcome to 7 sins and friends, where I am writing about a feeling for every letter of the alphabet…. including the 7 sins.

I spelled gluttonous “glutinous” first…. a quite different feeling. I had to look up the spelling of gluttonous.

  1. marked by or given to gluttony<a gluttonous appetite>

Now I need a definition of glutton:

a :  one given habitually to greedy and voracious eating and drinking
b :  one that has a great capacity for accepting or enduring something <a glutton for punishment>

When I started this topic for the A to Z challenge, I had to look up the 7 sins. I could only name four and I always want to include murder. I get the ten commandments a bit conflated with the 7 sins.

Gluttony is an interesting sin and I did not think of the second definition. I have only seen it used in “glutton for punishment”, but the way the definition is written, I wonder if Nelson Mandala could be seen as a glutton ….. his courage in enduring imprisonment for so long. That meaning would not be a sin, would it?

G

When my daughter was in grade school, her sitter’s family hosted an exchange student from Uzbekistan. He was a teenager, very thin, and he seemed appalled by the US. He showed us slides from home. They had electric power for an hour or two a day at most. The cooking facilities were out door stone ovens burning wood. I think that he considered us to be gluttons because not only did we demand more than one meal a day and snacks, but also we demanded different food at each meal and always look for something new! And we ate until we are obese and then obsess about losing weight!

I spent a year as an exchange student in Denmark in high school. I continued with the language in college and got a scholarship to translate a book one summer. The book is Livsens Ondskab, by Gustav Wied, written in 1899. It is fascinating and very dark and funny. It is about a small town, fictional, but this town has a “Glutton’s Club” where the richest men get together and have fabulous rich meals. The meal descriptions are glorious. But their goal is to eat as much as possible and more…..

I am in the Rotary and love it. The Rotary helps 9000 exchange students world wide: I think that going to another country, another place, and trying to understand and be understood is one of our biggest hopes for peace.

My daughter made the cake for my birthday last month!!! mmmmmmm

 

 

 
by

F for fine

F is for fine.

There is more than one fine. Dictionary.com lists 18 definitions for the adjective fine.
1. of superior or best quality; of high or highest grade:
fine wine.
2. choice, excellent, or admirable:
a fine painting.
3. consisting of minute particles:
fine sand; a fine purée.
4. very thin or slender:
fine thread.

There is the social fine. “How are you?” someone asks. I am terrible at replying with a breezy “Fine!” Often I am feeling something other than fine. When they ask, I stop and check how I am feeling. Sometimes I try to answer “Fine!” when I know that they are asking with a social politeness and they have no interest in a precise answer. But on March 29, I answered “Grumpy.” When the person looked surprised, I said, “My sister died four years ago today.”

5. keen or sharp, as a tool:
Is the knife fine enough to carve well?
6. delicate in texture; filmy:
fine cotton fabric.
7. delicately fashioned:
fine tracery.
8. highly skilled or accomplished:
a fine musician.

Yesterday morning after I wrote E for Envy, I DID feel fine. I was satisfied with my writing, I am on vacation and the day before I had bought a used outboard for the sailboat. The old outboard has broken down over and over and I am tired of it. I was reading other interesting blogs and enjoying them, writing from all over the world. How wonderful!

9.trained to the maximum degree, as an athlete.
10.characterized by or affecting refinement or elegance:
a fine lady.
11.polished or refined:
fine manners.
12.affectedly ornate or elegant:
A style so fine repels the average reader.

In the afternoon my daughter and I took the boat out. New (used) motor, started on one pull once I remembered to turn the kill switch away from kill, and we edged out of our slip and marina. My daughter is on the sailing team now, so I took the picture while she captained. Such a sunny and blue sky day, so fine!

F

13. delicate or subtle:
a fine distinction.
14. bright and clear:
a fine day; fine skin.
15. healthy; well:
In spite of his recent illness, he looks fine.
16. showy or smart; elegant in appearance:
a bird of fine plumage.

I have a friend who answers “How are you?” a bit differently. His reply is “Flawless!” That is an interesting feeling and interesting answer….

17. good-looking or handsome:
a fine young man.
18. (of a precious metal or its alloy) free from impurities or containing a large amount of pure metal:
fine gold; Sterling silver is 92.5 percent fine.

So the next time someone asks how you are and you say “Fine!”, which fine do you mean? There are so many choices!

by

E for Envy

E for envy. Envy is the second of the 7 sins. Perhaps a sin, but we are all human. I think that we all have the full spectrum of feelings. It is not a matter of refusing to feel something: that does not work well. My minister speaks of when we feel very virtuous and raised up, that is when we are most in danger of treating others badly, and he quotes Luke.

Luke 11:43 “Now when the unclean spirit goes out of a man, it passes through waterless places seeking rest, and does not find it. 44″Then it says, ‘I will return to my house from which I came’; and when it comes, it finds it unoccupied, swept, and put in order. 45″Then it goes and takes along with it seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there; and the last state of that man becomes worse than the first. That is the way it will also be with this evil generation.”

Is the unclean spirit a feeling that we think is a sin or a feeling we interpret as bad or evil? That could be one interpretation.

In contrast, Mewlana Jalaluddin Rumi in The guesthouse says:

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!

And why welcome and entertain them all?

Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

—–translation by Coleman Barks

So: envy

noun, plural envies.
1. a feeling of discontent or covetousness with regard to another’s advantages, success, possessions, etc.
2. an object of such feeling:
Her intelligence made her the envy of her classmates.
3. Obsolete. ill will.
verb (used with object), envied, envying.
4. to regard (a person or thing) with envy: She envies you for your success. I envy your writing ability.
He envies her the position she has achieved in her profession.

E

I did Gallery Walk in our downtown on Saturday. We are blessed with artists and there were many pieces that I liked. I did not buy any. I ended up in a small shop with singing bowls. The owner sells them but he also has a set that he keeps. He started to play the bowls, each on it’s small cushion. I have three bowls, smaller ones, that I have bought over the years. I love the ring and the resonance and the held note. But I learned something new: he used the felted end of the mallet and could make the bowl sing another way. I have never seen this before. Some bowls sing a different note with the felt. I covet the large deep bowls: I bought the largest one I could afford five years ago. But his are gorgeous in sound. I looked at a price tag. Ten times the cost of the one I bought.

He also explained that different notes are used for healing and for the different chakras. The size and the thickness of the bowl affects the note, whether it is high or low, whether it rings. The metal affects it as well and he has a bowl with meteorite. A full set would be seven, though many people use sets of three that sing together.

I bought mine separately, so I came home to try whether any would sing with felt and whether they are tuned to each other. They are tuned, but I cannot make them sing with the felt yet. I will take them to him for a lesson…. I am envious of his bowls….

And the photo is my daughter, at the end of a twelve mile mountain bike race Sunday. She does not even look tired! I am envious of how in shape she is: she swims three to five miles six days a week during swim season and exercises most days. I am just starting to build back up, but I am unlikely to catch up with her! Envy… I am hoping that it will motivate me to exercise more….

by

D for Determined

Welcome again to 7 sins and friends, with a different feeling for each letter of the alphabet and that will barely scratch the surface of our rich human diversity….

D for determined.

1. having reached a decision: firmly resolved

2. resolute, staunch

I am determined in the picture. My friend B flew from the east coast for a three day weekend and we were determined to get to the wooden floor in my kitchen. The linoleum was easy, but underneath were squares of particle board, nailed around the edges at two inch intervals. We had two nail pullers, but one was far better than the other. We worked for as long as we could stand each day and by the time he left, we were finished! My back muscles complained for days about that nail pulling motion….

D

My son started violin in fourth grade. A classmate had been playing for longer and was better. He became competitive and determined to catch up with her. “You will have to practice a lot.” I said. He did and they were both concert masters as seniors….

What have you done when you were determined?

by

C is for Credulous

C is for credulous. Have you ever felt credulous?

“willing to believe or trust too readily, especially without proper or adequate evidence; gullible.”

My young guest in the picture is not quite sure how to interact with the old lady: she is the old lady who swallowed the fly. The fly, the bird, the cat, the dog and even the horse have just been neatly delivered back out of her. My guest is not sure what she will do next. The world is a magical place.

C

Adults get caught up too, but in a darker version of credulous. Something for nothing. A deal too good to be true. A young relative on the phone, caught in another country, asking for help. Email from people saying that we have money from a distant relative who has passed. Calls over and over to my clinic that say they are from my long distance company and that they want to “help” me lock in service before a change…. I asked for a number to call back and was given the number of a sex line. I called my long distance company and they said, “Yes, they just lie.”

I think that fraud is on the upswing in the United States, but perhaps I am just a credulous person who believes that most people would like to earn their living in honest work and doing good for other people and the world.

by

Dear Mr. Donald Trump

Two weeks ago I sent this letter to Mr. Trump and all of the presidential candidates. To date I have gotten a form letter from Mrs. Hilary Clinton.

Dear Mr. Donald Trump and all Presidential candidates:

Mr. Trump, I am a rural family practice physician, a woman, who owns and runs my own medical clinic. I take care of patients from age zero to 104. Currently my oldest is 98. I take medicare and most insurances, but not medicaid.

I am running into legal immorality across the board from health insurance corporations that are maximizing profits at the expense of my health care dollar, our taxes and my patients. I would like your advice.

For example, the Veterans Hospital contacted me in May of 2015 and asked me to accept Veterans Choice patients, veterans who live more than 40 miles from the nearest VA Hospital. I accepted. I have 6 veteran patients, who are very complicated. To date I have not been paid for one visit. Now, before you say this is the fault of our government, it isn’t. It is the private for profit government contractor Triwest who is not paying me. They have my notes and we have followed their instructions on how to submit bills. Would you advise me to drop these patients?

For example, my father died in 2014. I called the oxygen company to pick up 6 tanks of oxygen. Then I found 8 more. I gently inquired why he had 14 tanks. The company said that his medical orders said that he should wear it continuously, so they delivered it. “Medicare paid for it.” they said. Ah. Well, I kept the other 8 tanks, because it is my and my father’s oxygen in those tanks: the company can have the tanks back when they are empty.

For example, the head of the sleep apnea supply company came to see me. He said, “You are getting in the way of your patients getting needed equipment.” I said, “Really? How?” “You only allowed a refill of one of the 8 necessary pieces of CPAP tubing instead of signing off on the whole group so we can fill as needed.” “Ah.” I said, “Actually my patients are tired of you mailing them 8 pieces of plastic that are filling up their closets and they don’t want extra plastic crap.” He mails it at the interval allowed by medicare, never mind whether the patient wants or needs it.

For example, I called a patient’s insurance to get a prior authorization last week for a limited sinus CT. They no longer do prior authorizations. They will decide whether to cover the CT scan once they read my notes. I asked if there was ANY way to see if it would be approved. They offered to let me send a letter to a PO Box in Wisconsin. My patient was sick, Mr. Trump. What do you suggest the patient and I do?

This is all legal. But it is not moral. So, Mr. Trump, where do you stand? Is our country’s highest value free enterprise and profit at any cost, no matter how many of our seniors are legally ripped off? Or do we have morals that health care and our elderly are important and need to be protected from legal but predatory businesses.

Please let me know, Mr. Trump. I would rather stick with my small clinic in the United States. At this point I would be financially and emotionally better off working as a temporary doctor internationally. I am sure that there is immorality internationally, but I will be less ashamed when it is not MY country.

Thank you.

 

by

B is for bored

B is for bored? All of the emotions that I could pick that start with B, and I pick bored?

But I am going to talk about bored in the context of chronic pain: and suddenly it is not boring at all.

Welcome to 7 Sins and friends, a spectrum, a kaleidoscope, an ABC of emotions.

B

If you hear the same sound over and over, like a faucet dripping, can you tune it out? I can. I can tune out practically any noise and I have fallen asleep under bright light in a Casino room full of ringing and blinging and alarming machines.

You may not have quite that level of ignoring something, but you can certainly tune things out. I have been reading Jon Kabat Zinn’s books on Mindfulness Meditation and I have used his mindfulness CD. I was having trouble sleeping after my father died, and I would use the CD. However, I used it in the reverse of how it is meant.

I used the body scan. Dr. Zinn talks in a slow calm tone and has the listener move from body part to body part, just feeling what is there. Not tightening or releasing muscles, but just starting with the left toes. At the start he says, “This is to fall more awake, not to fall asleep.” And I fell asleep every time.

But what does this have to do with pain? If you have tried meditation and focusing on your breath, your mind wanders. It gets bored. It starts think about the grocery list, or that person who yelled at you or ….. anything but the breath. You keep returning your mind to the breath. One day I had a hurt knee and was trying to go to sleep and thought…. hmmm. So I focused all my attention on the knee pain. Really tried to get inside my knee. Felt the pain fully and entirely….. and soon I was thinking about my grocery list. I pulled my mind back to my knee. My mind was sulky: yes, it hurts some, so what? Can’t we do something else? I am bored!

We are taught that pain is bad and I see many people in clinic who are afraid because of back pain. They are afraid to move because pain means something is wrong. Only most of the time it means that they have injured back muscles. The back muscles cramp up to protect themselves. The muscles must be soothed and stretched and healed and to do that we have to both pay attention to the pain and move without hurting the muscles worse. Sounds a bit boring,  right? Bored is more important than we think….

I took the photograph at the Hoh Rainforest on the Olympic Peninsula Washington, in 2004. We were not bored.

 

 

 

by

Costume 8

This is the last in this costume series and now it’s revealed. My sister was not wearing a costume but she contributed to the festivities by showing off her ballet skills. Her daughter was more interested in dinner than ballet at that particular moment, even though they performed together. My sister loved to dance and loved the costumes there too.

Taken in 2009, Lake Matinenda, Ontario, Canada. My sister died of breast cancer in 2012.