Tag Archives: change

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Trifling

Each sperm will be a child, the result is stifling
my sympathy could be termed as trifling.
Porn outlawed, hands will be tied.
“But we didn’t think of this!” the people cry.
AI twisted to measure our lust
claiming to protect the weakest of us.
“But a sperm is only half!” It doesn’t matter,
the AI in charge is mad as a hatter.
If two cells together is deemed a child
than why not one? And the AI runs wild.

_______________________

I took the photograph yesterday. A sign of spring in the Pacific Northwest is that the moss turns green. And grows. And grows.

For the Ragtag Daily Prompt: trifling.

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Peace Plague

If I can be anything I want to be
today let me be a peace plague.

Let me be a peace plague, airborne,
spread fast in the air
just a breath of wind
two neighbors who are angry stand at a fence
one drops a rake, the other a hose
they stare at each other. “Come to tea,”
says one, and the other comes.
Someone stops writing a letter of complaint
and gathers blankets for the warming center instead.
A policeman aims at a kid with a gun
shouts “Freeze.” and then he freezes too
on an intaken breath, and the kid drops the gun
hands up, breathing my plague.
And in a war zone, one side chokes on the air
and stops firing. The other aims and stops as well.
Both fall to their knees and weep. After time,
some get up and start gathering the wounded. Others
tear sheets into bandages and yet others start moving the rubble
finding the bodies. The bodies must be found and buried
in holy ground before rebuilding. My cousin
opens her mouth to gossip again and inhales and chokes
and stops. She says something other than she had planned.
Peace spreads like a wave, like a plague, and everyone
looks for someone to help.

If I can be anything I want to be
today I want to be a plague of peace.

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On order

Back in 2002, our private clinic became part of the hospital. The biggest local insurer had quit paying for everyone’s work for 9 months and then was taken over by the state. We were still not getting paid.

One day the employees were very tickled and happy. I cornered the office manager at lunch and asked what was going on.

“We have to use the hospital to order everything,” she said. The nurses and staff at lunch had expectant grins. “We asked them to procure a henway. The order was put in. Yesterday we got a call from someone in the ordering department. She said, “We’ve searched the medical catalogs, but we can’t find it. What’s a henway?” She got transferred a few times and reached the office manager. Reply: “About the same as a rooster.” The clinic staff broke up again. My office manager said, “Well, that person was pretty new, so we hope they’ll get over it.”

I am sure that the hospital loved having us on board.

For the Ragtag Daily Prompt: procure.

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See

Elkill
I am filled with joy!
It is still dark out, early
I remember lighting a candle for you
and putting it on the porch
when we were friends
and you would come over early

I loved those times
you were a wonderful friend

but now I know what I want
wanted from you
and from others
in the past

I want to be seen and loved

I want to be seen and loved
deeply
all of me
the dark parts too
all on me

and that is why
I could love you
and my patients
and even people who hurt me
because

most people are afraid
to be seen
seen and loved
deeply
the flaws, the sad parts, the broken bits
all of it

Elkill
I am filled with joy
I know what I want
I want to be seen and loved
deeply

I do not think it will happen
on this earth with a human
though I am open, open

But the Beloved sees me
the Beloved sees me
deeply
and loves all of me
the flaws, the sad parts, the broken bits
all of me

Thank you
for helping me see you
for helping me see
what I want

I am filled with joy!

_________________________

For the Ragtag Daily Prompt: bedazzle.

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We change

In clinic, a very common complaint was, “My body has changed!” This was often with shock or annoyance or betrayal. Weight up, a knee hurting, headaches, menses behaving badly as menopause approached, gentlemen with their own problems.

My muscles are getting stronger but are really grumpy. I am starting to rebuild muscle and endurance but my muscles and joint complain. I think that pain is the pain of wisdom. I am clearly very very wise, if that pain is wisdom pain. It feels better to frame it as wisdom than as “Oh, I am old.” Also it’s fun to watch people when I say, “My wisdom is really acting up today.” They get a funny look on their faces.

Medicine changes all the time too. Isn’t that a little unsettling? Science changes, ideas change, frames change. A treatment that I used 15 years ago would not be done for the same problem now. And we can treat hepatitis B and C! Hepatitis C was still named “Non A, non B hepatitis” back when I was in residency in the early 1990s. Hoorah for some things getting better.

It’s been interesting watching the changing ideas about Long Covid. Over the last year they’ve said, “Better in nine months.” “Mostly better by a year.” “Better by two years, mostly.” Also the estimates of people affected in the US have ranged from 3% to 7.4%. There is not even agreement about the definition, with the CDC talking about symptoms staying present after four weeks. Meanwhile the World Health Organization says, “It is defined as the continuation or development of new symptoms 3 months after the initial SARS-CoV-2 infection, with these symptoms lasting for at least 2 months with no other explanation.” Here: https://www.who.int/europe/news-room/fact-sheets/item/post-covid-19-condition. CDC here: https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/long-term-effects/index.html.

I hope that we vote grown ups into office. I hope we aren’t tempted by the childish want to be dictators who say, “I can fix anything, I can do what I want, I am so great. I can make YOU great too.” I think the pandemic was very frightening and the temptation is to try to hide in an imaginary past or freeze the future or think that if we make everyone behave a certain way, no further pandemics will come. I do not think that will work, people. Vote for adults.

The photograph is from the US Botanic Gardens. Here is the model, inside:

The sculpture faces are over each arch. Here is a close up.

I think the carved face will last the longest, then probably me, then the one on the model. The model looks like it would be delicious for various smaller creatures.

For the Ragtag Daily Prompt: change.

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Feeling our way

It’s nice to handle emotions with fantasy. “No it’s not,” you shout, “that’s horrid! We should think nice thoughts and feel nice feels!”

I do not agree. I think that we feel what we feel. Emotions are a rainbow and a sunny day and a huge storm and a tornado. Let them all through. However, we do not have to share them or inflict them on others or act them out in person. We can satisfy that anger, that grief, that hurt, that wound, with fantasy. And let the hurt heal through fantasy by acknowledging it.

There is tons of stuff on the internets/books/magazines about how we have to think nice thoughts, we are what we think, and on and on and on. But now wait a minute. Our Creator thinks up some really really horrible things which play out, right? The world has the full range of emotions from really really dark to beautiful and kind. I am like the world, like the ocean, like the Creator. I have the full range too. It is not the feeling that is evil. It is the acting it out in the world. If it’s acted out in fantasy, does that truly harm others?

Perhaps if it’s PTSD, there is harm. But PTSD is not acting out a fantasy, it’s being unable to deal with something terrible, terrible events, horror, war and violence. Those feelings must be dealt with too and it is no shame to need help, to need a listener, to need a safe place. The same with depression and anxiety: sometimes feelings are overwhelming and we are afraid, afraid, afraid. There is help.

I think that Jalāl ad-DΔ«n Muhammad RΕ«mΔ«’s Guesthouse poem gives a path.

The Guesthouse

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

translation by Coleman Barks

_____________________________

I read this poem as being about our feelings. A meanness, a dark thought, malice. I think that there is a translation that says that we want each guest to take a good report back to the Beloved, so we must treat each with kindness and hospitality. When a friend dreams of a bear attacking his brother, I ask, “Did you invite the bear in?” “No,” he says, “It’s a bear! They are dangerous!” “But it’s a dream bear,” I say, “I would invite the bear in and listen to it.” “You don’t understand bears,” he says. “It is a dream bear, not a real bear. I always invite the dream monsters to talk to me.” Don’t you? There is a story about a dreamer who dreams about being chased by a monster, a horrible monster, over and over. He runs and runs. Finally he is sick of it and stops. “What do you want!” he shouts at the monster. “Oh, I am so glad you stopped. I was so scared and hoped that you would help me,” says the monster. And the man wakes up.

The giant fruit bat is part of the outdoor pollinator exhibit this holiday season at the US Botanical Gardens.

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Growth

I am with eklastic: the Ragtag Daily Prompt has been an island of peace and friendship and joy over the last year.

The trunk is from the US Botanic Gardens: wisteria, I think. This is an example of complicated growth. Are we closer to peace and helping each other and is ChatGPT aiding world peace and harmony? Hmmm.

A creative use for a fence:

My parents had Lovin’ Spoonful albums. I had glasses by fourth grade and loved this song. I thought it was funny.

For the Ragtag Daily Prompt: looking back.

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The women don’t see

A man I know is writing about retirement. He says that he has made excuses for years, that he has to travel for work, and not participated with family or entertaining activities.

That work is the only thing he is good at.

I don’t see the problem.

He has four people who have given him accolades for his write up. All men.

The women don’t see the problem.

In college I play soccer. I am not good, but adequate. None of us are really good. We have 12 people. Men and women. I ask a friend to join us.

“No.” he says.

“Why not?” I ask. “You’ve been saying you need exercise.”

“I am not good at it.”

“So what?”

“People expect men to be good at things. You don’t know what it’s like to have that expectation.”

I glare at him. “You don’t know what it’s like to be a woman and have people expect you to be bad at things.”

I knew a veteran. He complained to me about women. “I want a woman who is interested in cars and guns. That’s what I’m interested in.”

“Um,” I say. “Maybe you could develop some other interests? Join a club?”

“No.” he says. “Cars and guns. Why aren’t women interested?”

I am sure that some are. I am also sure that they are expected to know nothing about cars or guns and then are hazed and finally celebrated for being an amazing woman who is interested in cars and guns and has skills and knowledge. How amazing.

The women don’t see the problem with being good at work and not having developed anything else. We often are treated as if we are morons and have a man explain things to us. I have a skill that I have been developing and practicing for decades. Yet a man about 15 years younger than me who is in his first year of practicing, explains it all to me. I look at him and think, you are an idiot. Really. You KNOW I have years and years of experience. I offer to show him another way to do part of it and he soundly rejects and scolds me. “You’ll confuse me! I do it the way I was taught!” I clam up and just think, well, he’s over 30 and still stupid. Bummer. He talks about his amazing development and tells me what he has learned and advises me. Snort. I am ready to take a restroom break the next time he explains what I should be doing. The toilet is more fun than he is.

The women and the single fathers don’t see the problem. If you are raising the kids while working and keeping track of all the stuff: laundry, soccer practice, dentist appointments, helping your 8 year old pick a present for another kid, when is the party and where? Oh, the same day as the parent teacher conferences. Your child may want to do a sport that you know damn-all about or play an instrument that sounds like a rabbit is being strangled or join the young Rotary group. You are not a joiner and view this with an awed horror. But an involved parent will extend themselves into this new unknown alien arena and learn with the child.

And the people who do not have children but are trying to take care of an aging parent or disabled sibling or a long time friend. They too have to learn the systems and the medical one is a deteriorating nightmare labyrinth.

So to say one is good only at work and afraid of retirement: We don’t see it. What are you talking about? We are doing stuff we know nothing about initially as fast as the darn children grow. This month they want their own laptop and are installing linux and “Mom, we need faster wi-fi.” “I am making dinner.” “But mom, the game is timing out.” Huh. Ok, time to call the woman who we know who will explain wi-fi. “Figure out how much it costs, you’ll have to earn part of it if it’s more expensive.” “Mo-ommmm!”

Retirement: begin again. What have you wished to learn, to do, to explore? Be a beginner. Join us. We begin again daily.