Tag Archives: outdoors

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Authenticity and masks

The Ragtag Daily Prompt today is identity. Yesterday I went to work an hour early so I could attend the Friday morning Continuing Medical Education. It was about adult ADHD and the positives and negatives.

I do not have a diagnosis of ADHD. I have one friend who insists that I have it, but I don’t much care. However, the speaker started talking about masks and authenticity. She said that we are told to be authentic at work, but that people with ADHD often find that their authentic self is not welcomed and they learn to mask.

I asked, doesn’t everyone mask somewhat at work? She said, “Good point, and yes, people do.” It got me thinking about identity and masks. I pretty much clammed up in Kindergarten because I was too much of an outlier and culturally wrong. We did not have a television and television was pretty much what the other children talked about. I knew songs and poems but these did not interest my peers. I was interested in science, too, but that was also not popular. I think I was a geek before it was named and as soon as I learned to read, I became a bookworm. I am not sure if having a television would have made any difference, either.

Fast forward to after high school. I went to Denmark as an exchange student my senior year and then needed to make up credits to graduate. Another high school student was in my Community College classes. After a bit, she said, “I thought you were shy in high school.” I said, “No, I just didn’t talk.”

Currently I am more authentic in the room with patients than with the rest of the staff. Corporations are very weird hierarchical places. My authentic self always questions authority but I am trying not to do it all the time. At least, not out loud. The patients seem to be fine with it. I had a very difficult conversation with an elderly couple this week about memory and planning, now, before they can’t. I got hugs at the end of the visit even though we’d gone into frightening and difficult territory. They did very well. Yesterday was my last day at that clinic and next week I am in another one. Even after just four months in this clinic, I will miss many of the patients and hope they do well.

Yesterday I really did Urgent Care. My schedule only had a few people and then six more sick ones were added on. We had to call an ambulance for one, the first time I’ve had to do that here.

What is authenticity and what is our identity? Is the work mask less real than the self in our minds?

I took the photograph at a small hot springs resort. A friend that I’ve known since high school and I met there. I love the bookworm rabbit. I think she represents the happy bookworm part of me. I read about 7 novels a month, haunting the library here. Maybe I will get to know some more people over the next 6 months.

For the Ragtag Daily Prompt: identity.

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The isolated working

I ran my own small clinic from 2010 to 2022, working somewhere else, got Covid, was on oxygen for a year and a half, did some healing and then came back to work.

There has been a culture change in medicine that feels very strange to me. I did not notice it because I was in a solo clinic and not “part of the system”.

All the doctors, providers, are more isolated. I got a compliment yesterday when I was doing a “warm hand off” of the most sick or complicated patients, three new diabetics, a person with cancer, a person with a genetic heart problem. The doctor who I was handing off to is in the same clinic but we have barely talked since May. I don’t know her at all. She complimented me on excellent care “and calling specialists”.

I thought, huh. But I think that is a dinosaur doctor thing. I think mostly people communicate through the electronic medical record email, send messages about patients. For the decade that I was solo, I had to call other specialists because I was on a different electronic medical record. The email didn’t connect. The hospital reluctantly gave me a “link” to their system, but it was only a link to look. I could not write or send anything.

About two months ago I got an echocardiogram result. I read it and thought, ok, it’s not normal but what does it mean? Outflow obstruction by the thickened heart wall. Hmm. I called cardiology and spoke to the cardiologist who read it. He sounded surprised and said, “Idiopathic hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, most likely. It’s a classic echo.” “So, what do I do?” “Send him to me.” “Anything that I should change meanwhile?” “Yes,” says the cardiologist. He had me stop one medicine and start another. “No vasodilators and the beta blocker slowing the heart rate should help decrease the outflow obstruction.” “Got it.” I said. He also gave me two more tests to order.

I referred the patient to cardiology but it was a month before he got in. The two tests were done and they ordered more. If the diagnosis is correct, he’ll be sent to a special clinic in Denver. I called my patient while we were waiting for the cardiology visit. The medicine change had not made much difference as far as he could tell.

I was also told when I got here that I would never get a local nephrologist to see a patient, they were two busy. However, I have called two nephrologists about two patients and both took the patient and again, gave me instructions.

Two specialties have been very difficult to contact: orthopedics and gastroenterology. I have no idea why they are so difficult.

I can see that email feels faster. But there is no human contact, asking follow up questions is difficult, I don’t get that bit of further helpful education: this is what you do next. I have learned so much over the years by touching base with specialists. Once I fussed at a patient to go to hematology oncology about their high platelet count. The patient didn’t want to. He came back and said, “Apparently I have this newly found genetic problem. They put me on two medicines, not expensive. And I feel better than I have in 20 years.” I asked the oncologist about it the next time I called. He lit up, excited, and told me about the JAK-2 mutation. It is so exciting to learn about new areas in medicine and my patient says, “I have to thank you for pushing me to see the oncologist. I feel so much better.” Wow and cool.

Clinic feels like I am mostly isolated, a silo, an island, rarely talk to the other physicians unless I go to find them. I think hospital administrations like this, keeping the physicians in line by having their schedule be so packed that they almost never talk to each other. What a good way to keep physicians from interfering in the money making production! Ugh, I think it is quite horrible and unhealthy for the providers and for our countries medical system in the long run. I was seriously less lonely in a solo clinic.

The prognosis for our current medical system is very poor. The patients say to me, “Why do my doctors keep leaving?” They aren’t attached, they are isolated, I don’t think the physicians know what they are missing. Colleagues. Not silos.

For the Ragtag Daily Prompt: prognosis.

The photograph is from the Fruita Fall Festival.

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Air up high

Sunday I drove up to Grand Mesa, over 10,000 feet. Wow. The aspens gold and the evergreens green and the perfume of the clear air. The high temperature was much lower then in Grand Valley. A sign says that Grand Mesa is the world’s largest flat top mountain and there are hundreds of lakes on top.

And you can immerse yourself in gold.

For the Ragtag Daily Prompt: perfume.

No, I just couldn’t put up a John Denver song.

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Star gaze

I am a nighthawk, but my time is the second half of the night, not the first. I wake early, many mornings at 4:00 am. I am up and I am watching the stars because it is clear so often. I am learning new constellations: working out from Cassiopeia, I know Perseus and Aries, Taurus and Gemini. I have a street light at the south west corner of the house, so Pisces is very faint next to Pegasus. I’ve know the Big and Little Dipper and the North Star since I was a kid, and Orion, with the belt and sword. Jupiter and Mars have been out and Saturn as well.

I want to camp up on the Monument so I can really see the stars, where it is really dark.

For the Ragtag Daily Prompt: Astrology!

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Weighing in

No nightmares about clinic since the one I wrote about two days ago. I do feel like a bit of a dinosaur in clinic, though. Most of my older patients seem to really be fond of dinosaurs.

I’ve heard from other docs that they don’t have time to talk to each other in clinic either. Patient time but primary care we read all the notes from everyone: specialists, PT, OT, xrays, CT, MRI, ultrasound, lab, lab, lab, lab, prescription refills, phone calls. I read that people are trying to insert Artificial Intelligence into this. I am fine with a computer learning to read mammograms, but condensing information from notes? The AIs currently can “hallucinate”, and make things up. Is that worrisome or am I being silly? Notes are often wrong ANYHOW, way more than I would like. I saw a patient yesterday who has a neurological disorder. The hospital discharge note lists the wrong one! The patient caught the error, I didn’t. I am very glad he corrected me, but the hospital note is still sitting there wrong. Having been labeled with wrong diagnoses myself, I think it is a big deal. In order to fix it, he would have to fill out a form and the form would go to the physician, who is supposed to respond and add an addendum to the note. How often do you think THAT happens?

The discharging physician suggests he see a specialist for testing. I call that specialist and they agree with me: that testing is not indicated, it won’t make one bit of difference in his treatment. The discharging physician also suggests lung testing. I don’t think it works or is useful with a serious neurological disorder that affects muscles! Think, people.

My patient is grumpy and asks how we know the medicine is working. I reply, “You’re not dead.” Which is true. Undiplomatic, but he does not mind, because he is already saying, “What is the point of this?” To explain more about the medicine working, I ask, “Is your breathing better than when you went to the emergency room?”

“Yes,” he says.

“That is because the medicine is working.” I explain how it works and what happens if he stops it.

Sometimes it makes me feel heavy, heavy, like a dinosaur.

But I think I will try discussing my clinic day with my cat. I think she might enjoy it and I can clear the grumps out. And it’s not a hipaa violation! She doesn’t like other cats and won’t tell them anything.

For the Ragtag Daily Prompt: dinosaur.

This is new to me:

I’ve never seen these cartoons. The animation is, well, not the best. The guitar work is fun though!

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Bolster my courage

I am having nightmares. About clinic. Yesterday I bolstered my courage and sat down to write my dream out. What are my dreams trying to tell me? Should I extend my contract or not?

I dream that in clinic I have a male patient with his wife in the room. He is very dramatic, saying, “I am so ill, help me, help me.” He says, “I am on quercetin. You have to help me.”

He won’t tell me what his symptoms are, so I respond to what he says: “Who prescribed quercetin? What is your diagnosis?”

“Oh, you don’t want to help me,” he says. His wife just watches.

“Do you have pain somewhere? Any chest pain? Any abdominal pain? Any pain anywhere?”

“No, no, you don’t understand!” he says, “You aren’t listening!”

“I am trying to help you,” I say. “Can we reschedule you for a longer visit?” This is one of the impossible 20 minute ones. Honestly, he doesn’t look like he’s in pain. I do a quick listen to heart and lungs and feel his abdomen.

“No, I need to be in the hospital, I can’t go home!”

“I can’t put you in the hospital without a diagnosis, but we can move you to the emergency room.” Of course, the ER won’t be happy about this.

I leave the room and call the ER. The ER doctor is understandably grumpy, since I have no idea what this is about and am suspecting a psychiatric cause. “Urine drug screen,” I say. “He doesn’t smell drunk. I do not think it’s meth withdrawal.” “Make sure you do a note,” snarls the ER doctor. Good luck, since he won’t answer any questions. “How behind am I?” I ask the nurse. She just rolls her eyes. I probably have at least four or five more on the schedule. I come back to the room. Now two preteens are in the room, looking in the drawers and taking things out. Their parents do nothing to stop them.

“Please sit down now!” I say. “Put that down!”

The teens sullenly comply. The father is moaning. He has the prescriber on his cell phone. He hands it to me. I introduce myself. “What is your diagnosis?” I say. “Why is he on quercetin?” The person at the other end mumbles. “Excuse me, what did you say?” He’s gone. I say to the mother, “Please take the children to the waiting room. Sir, are you requesting that we call 911?” It would be a call saying man moaning, no idea what he’s on about. Vitals are normal, he denies chest pressure or pain, he doesn’t have an acute abdomen, his oxygen level is fine, no fast heart rate, no fever. Drama.

I wake up, thinking that I may have to call 911 to get the wife and kids out and I have to have someone monitor him while I see other patients and we just don’t have enough staff and I am ready to just cancel the rest of the afternoon. If I were in a hospital, I could call security, but we are a satellite small clinic.

So… what the heck is THIS dream about? And do we really get patients like this? Yes, but not often and I haven’t had any like this here. I think it’s funny that this dream has so much detail, down to the supplement that the man is taking as well as the clinic room. I usually work in room 1 and 2, but this was in room 5.

To be continued.

For the Ragtag Daily Prompt: bolster.



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Reason

Dr. Suess has a ruse
that disguises when he pats a moose
He’s teasing that the hidden reason
Is the looming change of season
Locks the box, rocks the docks
Fox in socks, equinox.

We do have concerts on the docks in Port Townsend in the summer. Not in the winter, the instruments get wet. This is the Pourhouse, which is also right on Port Townsend Bay, in August 2022.

For the Ragtag Daily Prompt: equinox.