Tag Archives: breathe

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Climbing the walls

When my father died, he left me a will written more than 40 years earlier. He and my mother and my maternal grandparents were all pack rats. It was a house and two barns and ten years worth of some mail. A mess.

After working on it for a year, I felt like I was in knots and couldn’t relax. I was quite sick of counseling and wanted to do body work instead. I found a massage person and worked with him for over a year.

On the first visit he talked to me and then had me stand and walk around. “You are head forward and your toes are gripping the floor.” “I am not!” I said, lifting my toes. He was right, though. I had to relearn how to walk for two weeks, lifting my toes up.

I went to see him once last spring, knotted up again. I thought I was much better at unknotting during the work. I asked, “So am I pretty relaxed?”

He laughed. “You’re NEVER relaxed. Your baseline is 7/10 but you notice that you are tight when you get up to a 9 or 10.” He said that relaxed was 1-3.

I was hurt and annoyed. All that work and he’d never said that and never given me tools. I tried to contact him by email but he either didn’t remember what he said or just wouldn’t deal with it.

I was grumpy.

Meanwhile in clinic, I was teaching the breathing technique to try to relax, to go from sympathetic fight or flight, to parasympathetic. Breath in for a slow count of 4 seconds, then out for a slow count of 4 seconds. I thought, well, I should do it more too. I decide that when I wake up, I will do the breathing technique.

It promptly put me back to sleep. I have used slowing my breathing to go to sleep. I also had three years in college and after where I did daily zen meditation, facing the wall, on a zafu, for forty minutes. Add my flute playing and singing in chorus for the last 24 years and I can do the count way past four. My mind, however, is a very busy place, and meditation often felt like letting a cage full of crazy monkeys out. They all wanted attention. My understanding of zen is that I am supposed to let the monkeys show up but not hold on to them, converse with them, or let them hold the floor. Return to the breath.

When we wake up, we have a cortisol burst in the morning. It gets us going. I am pretty sure that I have some adrenaline too. The slowed breathing calms that right down. According to the pain clinics, twenty minutes of slowed breathing calms almost everyone down into the parasympathetic state. I don’t think that the high Adverse Childhood Experience people are used to parasympathetic. Honestly, looking at the movies and television and video games, I think our culture is not used to it either.

The breathing in the morning is working. My neck and shoulder muscles are more relaxed (in spite of computer use). Maybe I am down to a 5/10! That would be huge progress, right?

And my muscles love the climbing walls, too. Not that I am that good at it, but my muscles really like the intensity and focus. It is so different from clinic, where everything is focused on listening to the patient, typing as they talk, watching, sensing, trying to get a handle on what is happening with them. The wall is like clinic in focus, but my whole body is involved and there is lots of reaching and stretching out of that contained focus.

Sol Duc seems to be good at slow breathing. Cats go from 1/10 to 10/10 in just a heartbeat, or that’s my impression.

There is no alabaster in this house. Not a bit. Perhaps I will meditate on that.

For the Ragtag Daily Prompt: meditate and alabaster.

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Mind

Facing a wall or lying in bed
breathe slow: four seconds in
one two three four
four seconds out
one two three four
keeping count

or facing a wall sitting
on a zafu, bell rings to start
how can forty minutes be so long?
fall asleep and body weaves
waking me up OH don’t hit the wall
adrenaline then slithering down
towards sleep again

zen mind, blank mind?
my mind wanders off again and again
what is for dinner? grocery list?
that annoying thing or person
at school or work
the mind busy as a squirrel
burying nuts and digging them back up

bring the mind back again
again again again
to the breath the wall letting go
of this well trodden mind trail
only to have the mind wander off
down another: this with briars
and falling into a pond
that has ice and cold

back shake like a dog
shake it off
focus on the breath the wall again
vivid multicolor cats
with paisley and stripes and spots
there is the BELL
forty minutes

Bow to the wall
and stretch
get up
ready zafu for the next time
meditation
mind

_____________________

Written today for the Ragtag Daily Prompt: blank.

The translation that I originally learned is here.

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Talk

Today I will interview people in clinic, but yesterday I hiked alone. Well, no, not really alone. I spot movement and freeze. A silent interview of this rabbit, with the help of my zoom camera. There was a very young bunny further on, about 6 inches long, who hid behind a bush a year from me. I did not want to scare her, so did not get a photograph.

Lizards and crows, too. Chipmunks and a squirrel who was noisy until she realizes that I have spotted her in the small tree, barely taller than me.

I climbed the Serpent’s Trail which is an old road. It goes up and up but is never terribly steep. At the top, I can see the haze: smoke from forest fires in the Pacific Northwest and Canada is coming down. When I got home I closed up the house to keep the air cleaner. It is smokey today with lots of small particulates, not good. We will see more asthma, allergies, eye problems, emphysema and the smoke makes people headachey and irritable. I hope it doesn’t sit in the Grand Valley for a long time.

Meanwhile, the bunnies and the crows and the lizards and the squirrels, can’t go inside, can they?

For the Ragtag Daily Prompt: interview.

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Frail

I wrote this poem about my father at least a year before he died. He was on oxygen, on steroids, terrible emphysema from 55 years of unfiltered Camel cigarettes. He would not accept much help and became more and more of a hermit. He did continue with the Rainshadow Chorale and because of it he quit smoking three years before he died.

Frail

We are going sailing
My partner says to me
β€œInvite him if you want.”

Then I am busy for a while

I think of calling, then forget

He was not at chorus on Monday

At last I say,
β€œI haven’t called. We’ll just sail.
Just us today.”

I haven’t called
because he was not at chorus on Monday

He is frail
55 years of camels
two packs a day
as if each cigarette
destroyed one alveolus
in his lungs
one tiny air/blood interface
built to exchange oxygen
and carbon dioxide
the loss is cumulative


He is frail
he is proud that the choral director
says, β€œI need you.”
He can’t sustain
but his entrances and time
are the best
among the basses.
They need him.

Chorus
is our winter link
two introverts
we hug at the start of chorus
sing for two hours
and talk for a few minutes at the end

Occasionally we go for a beer
I invite him for dinner
but he comes less and less
he often does not feel well at night

He looks smaller at chorus
this season
this is normal in emphysema
the body sheds weight
too much tissue to oxygenate
too hard for the lungs
and the heart, working overtime
to make up the difference
he is blessed with low blood pressure
genetic, from his father,
tough English stock,
otherwise I think he’d be dead

I didn’t call
before we went sailing
because I am afraid

I’ve driven out before
when he has not answered the phone
for a day or two
wondering if I would find him dead

I didn’t call
before we went sailing
because he was not at chorus on Monday
because if he didn’t answer today
I would not go

______________________

For the Ragtag Daily Prompt: frail.

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Pneumonia makes me slenderize

Pneumonia makes me slenderize
I feel like I’ve been blenderized
Steals my breath and appetite
Work to breathe both day and night
My heart goes fast, trials one to four
I’d rather not have any more
Ten pounds down, gone like smoke
Carbohydrates make me choke
The legacy of my fourth round
I can’t eat gluten, ounce nor pound
And yet I still come out ahead
Since I am alive and still not dead

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Four pneumonias in 24 years. I have an antibody response, which peaks about six weeks after the infection. Colds don’t trigger it. This photograph is two months in to my 2021 round. I drop ten pounds in the first week and eating is always difficult. I do not recommend this method of weight loss.

For the Ragtag Daily Prompt: slenderize.

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Pulmonary Manifestations of Long Covid

Today’s Zoom lecture was about pulmonary manifestations of Long Covid, and this is from the Schmidt Initiative for Long Covid Global ECHO Webinar Series, out of the U of New Mexico.

First of all, the talk is brilliant. The speaker is Lekshmi Santhosh, MD, MAEd, Asso Prof Med, Pulm Critical Care Med, UCSF, Intensive Care.

Two things to start with: she stressed the six minute walk test for patients, to distinguish oxygen desaturation (dropping) from the people who have terrible tachycardia (fast heart rate) only. The oxygen drop indicates that the person needs lung studies and may need oxygen, while tachycardia alone means either a heart problem, chronic fatigue/ME pattern or dysautonomia, where the heart goes fast when the person sits or stands up. Her point was that it’s a simple test and that Long Covid presents in multiple different patterns.

The second point is that there are least five main mechanisms that Long Covid can mess us up and people can have one or many. There is a review article in Nature last month (I need a copy!) and it talks about these five: immune system problems, gut microbiome problems, autoimmune responses, blood clotting/microclotting/endothelial problems and dysfunctional neurological signalling. SO: this is a MESS. She says that patient care needs to be individualized depending on which mechanism(s) are predominant and it can be more than one. This Covid-19 is a hella bad virus.

So: “The underlying biological mechanism may not be the same in each patient.” That is the understatement of the year.

She reiterates that the current diagnostic criteria, subject to change, is symptoms that last longer than 12 weeks after Covid-19 and two months past that. She states that the symptoms can wax and wane and that we need to listen to and believe patients.

In JAMA this month, there is an article that uses big data to find which symptoms are more associated with Long Covid, and lists 13 symptoms. Smell/taste tops the list but fatigue is there too. However, this is not a list for diagnosis, it’s a study list.

She also is careful to say that the treatment for the pulmonary manifestations is not the same as the people with the pattern that resembles chronic fatigue syndrome/ME. The pulmonary people can build exercise tolerance, but the CFS/ME folks need a different regimen, with pacing and energy conservation. That sounds like a subtle difference. I had both though my CFS/ME is weird. It does not put me in bed, I just can get really tired and need to sleep. It’s a bit invisible. People see me dance and would not guess that I have CFS/ME. All relative to previous function and energy, right?

For lung manifestations, she lists a pyramid, with the more rare things at the bottom. As follows:

  1. persistent dyspnea (shortness of breath)
  2. post viral reactive airways disease (asthma that can resolve from irritated pissed off lung tissue)
  3. deconditioning. She says that the isolation and quarantine with some people in very small rooms, leads to terrible deconditioning in some folks. They can build up, especially with supervised exercise with pulmonary rehabilitation and/or physical therapy. It is scary to exercise when you are short of breath and the supervision really helps, with limits on how much you should push, or encouragement to push.
  4. organizing pneumonia. This is rare and responds to steroids. Otherwise steroids are not good for the muscles in Long Covid, with the exception of inhaled steroids for the asthmatics and post viral reactive airways.
  5. post ARDS fibrosis: fibrosis is fibrous scarring that can form in the lungs. Anyone who has any terrible pneumonia and is in the ICU and intubated and on a ventilator can get this. Not everyone gets it, thankfully. ARDS is Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome. Luckily the fibrosis is rare and it turns out that in some people it improves with time, like years. She does not recommend the pulmonary fibrosis medicines right now. There are many causes of pulmonary fibrosis besides infection.
  6. PVD: peripheral vascular disease. Covid-19 increases clotting, so we have to look for both clots and for disease in arteries, which could be lungs, brain, heart, anywhere in the body.

She says DON’T assume that chest pain is from the lungs and don’t miss cardiovascular. That is, rule out a heart attack and pulmonary embolus first.

Other lung problems have to be kept in mind that are not caused by Covid-19. This list: Reflux associated cough, pleuritic pain, neuromuscular disease, vocal cord dysfunction, tracheal stenosis, tracheomalacia. Watch for those. She says that it is very very important to look at old chest x-rays and CT scans, because those can show previous signs of emphysema/COPD/asthma/fibrosis.

Testing: She puts the 6 minute walk test first. AFTER the thorough history and making sure there are no red flags for pulmonary embolism and heart attack. Those have to ruled out if there is any suspicion. Next: pulmonary function testing. If the DLCO is low, consider a chest CT. Consider TTE -TransThoracic Echocardiogram, to look at the heart. Labs: CBC (blood count), ESR, CRP, thyroid, +/-CPK.

She has diagnosed people who are sent to her with NOT Long Covid: they have metastatic lung cancer, metastatic prostate cancer, new pregnancy, hypersensitivity pneumonitis and many other things. She says, “Don’t assume it is Long Covid. Sometimes it isn’t.”

Now, this is all a formidable list of problems and this is JUST the lungs. Long Covid can affect every system in the body and every patient is different.

She also says that she has done more disability and accommodation paperwork in the last three years than in her entire career before that. That the US disability system is a horrid mess and that she has to talk to employers and insurers OFTEN to say that the person will get better faster and have less long term problems if she treats now and they have rest and return to work may need to be very gradual.

She approaches new patients by asking which symptoms are worst. She thinks about severity of the infection, vaccination status, previous/present other medical problems and habits that can contribute or worsen things (smoking, vaping, exposures). Her clinic is for Long Covid pulmonary, but now they have opened up a neurological branch. They use multiple other specialists as well.

Last quotation: “Until we elucidate the biology and have clinical trials, treatments are largely symptomatic.” So the basic science studies working on immune system, the gut microbiome, the clotting problems, are huge in figuring out what to do in clinical trials. This is a tremendously complex illness and three years into Covid-19, we are still trying to figure out the multiple mechanisms that cause Long Covid.

This was a very hopeful lecture from my standpoint, admitting that this is complex but that we are also working to sort out the mechanisms and work on treatments. She works hard at getting patient input and feedback as well.

Two links: A free PDF from Johns Hopkins on Bouncing Back from Covid. https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/physical_medicine_rehabilitation/coronavirus-rehabilitation/_files/impact-of-covid-patient-recovery.pdf

The American Physical Therapy Association has articles as well: https://www.apta.org/patient-care/public-health-population-care/long-covid

Also here are webinar links:

SILC Global ECHO Webinar Series Resource Links June 28, 2023

Now, how will I use the Ragtag Daily Prompt riposte for this? I think I will just say again how important it is to listen to and believe our patients!

The photograph is from Marrowstone Island, East Beach. The shape in the driftwood is sort of lung shaped.

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Air purist

This is a sunset, not smoke. Right now the east coast of the US has spectacularly bad air quality from forest fire smoke. My son is going to work out indoors today, since he is in the DC metro area.

When I moved here, I was delighted by the air quality. That was 23 years ago. In the last five years, we have had smoke blowing in from forest fires to the east or south or north four of the five. Last year I built a home air purifier because the smoke was bothering my lungs even inside the house. It helped very much. I stayed inside for 8 days. The cats did not want to go out either.

“Some say the world will end in fire, some say in ice.” Ironic if it is smoke that takes us out.

For the Ragtag Daily Prompt: purist.

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Breathe

I was trying to think of a debacle. Oh. Getting my fourth pneumonia, March 21, 2021, Covid-19. This is the first pneumonia that put me on oxygen. The fast heart rate, dropping ten pounds, and feeling anxious were familiar from the other three. This photograph was from December 2021, visiting Maryland. We did a bike ride. I was pretty happy that I was able to do it, though the last mile had a sloping uphill that made me think I was not very strong. Oxygen helped.

And Covid-19 is a debacle that we are still trying to understand and absorb and avoid and heal and recover from. I am reading an article that entirely denies viruses existing. I guess it’s like porn on the internet: they say if there is a story, there is a porn version. Every possible idea of what has happened over the last three years is out there, though this article doesn’t make any sense at all.

I don’t remember who took the photograph of me. It may be a steathie. I needed oxygen at night and whenever I was being active, but not at rest. Ok, at rest talking.

Things and people were lost and found and lost during Covid-19. I spent a lot of time on our beaches. I am so grateful for the beaches.

For the Ragtag Daily Prompt: debacle.

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Frame

What is the tree and where is it?

I am still thinking about the Inflammatory Brain Disorder Conference.

The researchers and physicians are talking about the immune system as if it is broken in Long Covid and ME/CFS and the other illnesses, but I am not sure I agree. Maybe the immune system knows what it is doing. Maybe Covid-19 is a really really nasty infection and the immune system sends out antibodies to make us stay down, stay in bed, rest and keep from catching something else. Maybe an antibody that suddenly makes you weird will make you isolate and hide and not interact with the other potentially infectious humans.

Ok, the inflammatory brain disorders that destroy the brain, those are not adaptive. However, I’ve thought that MC/CFS was a “repair mode” since residency.

When I had my third pneumonia in 2014, I refused to admit to myself that I had chronic fatigue. It was sort of obvious. I went back to work six months after I got sick and seeing just four or five patients left me exhausted. I would come home and sleep on the couch. I also skipped breakfast, because I would go to sleep as soon as I ate. My blood sugar was fine and it was not a food allergy. It felt as if my body wanted to do repair work and wanted me to sleep while it was doing the repairs. I would sleep after lunch. For the next six months of work, I slept twelve hours a day and hoped that I would not have more than five patients. Also that I would not get sick.

We had everyone who had upper respiratory symptoms or a cough wear a mask and I wore one too, hoping to not get another pneumonia. That worked. I only got sick when I went to work in another hospital clinic system. I kept walking into rooms with patients with their masks off. I got Covid-19 in a mere five weeks there, after going a year at my clinic without getting it.

I spoke to a friend yesterday. She was talking about her damaged immune system. I said I didn’t think of it as damaged. With enough stress and infection, I think the immune system gets primed. And then it is as if it has PTSD: the immune system says, “Enough already! We are not going to LET you overdo and get sick again! We are putting you DOWN to sleep if you overdo!” It is an extreme version of “listen to your body”, as if the body is shouting. The immune system is hyperalert and goes all out if there is any threat or suspected threat.

Maybe we need to be more gentle with ourselves and each other. The US culture is so oriented to production and work and money as success. But is that really success, if we work 20 hours a day and drive our immune system to desperate measures?

Maybe we need to learn to relax. To take time off. To breathe.

And the talk about Mast Cell Activation Disorder said exactly that. We need to teach how to go from the sympathetic fight or flight crazy to the quiet, relaxed, parasympathetic state. That quiets the immune system down very nicely.

It won’t fix everything, I am not saying that. But it is something everyone can learn. Slow breathe, in five and out five. Practice.

Breathe.

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The tree is a Redwood and it’s in the Chimacum Woods Rhododendron Nursery. Not just rhodys and on the Olympic Peninsula.