I struggled after my mother died of ovarian cancer in 2000. She was 61 and our love was complicated. Two years after she died I hit an emotional wall and had to go find help. My marriage was showing cracks too. I have written about Adverse Childhood Experiences, but there can be love too, even in a difficult household. I wrote this poem during that time.
My mom loved me
It’s herself she didn’t love
She didn’t love her anger
She didn’t love her fear
She didn’t love her sorrow
She didn’t love her shadows
She packed all her troubles in her saddlebags
and rode forth singing
When I was angry
she felt her anger
When I was scared
she felt her fear
When I was sad
she felt her sorrow
When I felt my shadows
she felt hers
I hid my shadows
I hid my shadows for many years
and then my saddlebags were full
They called me
I dove in the sea
I rescued my anger
I rescued my fear
I rescued my sorrows
I rescued my shadows
At first I couldn’t love them
My mom didn’t; how could I?
But I loved my mom
I loved all of her
Her anger
Her fear
Her sorrow
Her shadows
Her singing and courage
I thought if I could love her shadows
I could love my own
It was hard
It took months
I looked in the mirror at my own face
And slowly I was able to have
Compassion for myself
I am sad that my mom is not
where I can touch her warmth
and tell her I love all of her
I tell her anyway
I’m finding many things as I surface from my dive
Sometimes I feel the presence of angels
I was looking for something else
I found a valentine
that she made me
No date
Many hearts cut out and glued
to red paper
I am so surprised
My mom loves me
shadows and all
now and forever.
__________________________
My mother used to quote “Pack all your troubles in your saddlebags and ride forth singing.” Does anyone know where this if from? I have not found the source. It could be her mother or her mother’s parents.
The photograph is my father, the year my sister died of cancer, 2012. He died in 2013.
KO Rural Mad As Hell Blog 
I was going to ask if she just mis-remembered the song “Pack up your troubles in your old kit bag”, but then I found the Middle English Proverbs of Alfred. Here is one modern translation of one of his proverbs:
“If you have a sorrow,
say it not to the arrow
say it to your saddlebow
and ride singing forth.”
Oh, interesting! I’ve never found that quotation, but I think it is more likely that than the kit bag. I wonder if the kit bag one is what the earlier one changed in to over time. There is also the song “If somehow you could pack up your sorrows, and give them all to me…” Mia Farrow, I think.
Close – the composers of “Pack up Your Sorrows” are Pauline Marden and Richard Fariña and it was recorded by Richard and Mimi Fariña (Mimi Fariña – Mia Farrow). Mimi was Joan Baez’s sister.
Well, not that close. Got two initials right. Pathetic of me!
Hey, don’t be so hard on yourself! You got five letters! And in the right places! Enough that they sound pretty similar.
heh.