is it ok
if I don’t make sense for a little while?
this is hard
it’s really hard
sometimes
to communicate
I never did
join the mainstream
of medicine
I went to class
to medical school
and wondered
and noticed
that the classes resembled
descriptions of cults
how they train people
and I thought
I am not joining any cult
and I kept my mouth shut
in the elevator
when another student says
“The other day
I threw out all of my husband’s plaid shirts.
I hate them.
They are too low class.”
If he loves them, you’ve hurt him, right?
and I think
I could say
“Yes, I hate it
when my husband
wears my plaid skirt
he stretches them all out
and ruins them.”
I would be outed
even more than I already am
as weird.
I don’t say a word
I just think
words
Medical school is four years
Residency is three
I am quiet there too
impression that I am shy
which is a lie
even so, the faculty fear me
I hear, 25 years later
and I am surprised
5 foot four
130 pounds
what the hell is there to fear?
though a boyfriend says
“You turn into an ogre
when you are angry.”
but I am quiet
in medical school
in residency
except when a patient
needs me
to speak
morph to ogre
morph to werewolf
if needed
as I get older
slowly
slowly
I learn
more subtelty
mostly from my children
who are subtle
and very very smart
at any rate
I never bought in to
the give opioids to everyone
and eventually
it turns out
that my intuition
or instinct
or whatever the hell you want to call it
study of addiction from the experience
and reading in college
matches
the studies
that come out
now I have another one
an intuition
the data is catching up with me
it’s funny
in my small community
I feel so lonely
after 21 years
mother’s death, sister’s death, father’s death
divorce
single mother 2 children
niece don’t go there
I am labeled by the medical community
I hear that the senior doctor
in the community
tells a woman midlevel
at a party
that I am crazy
maybe so
but I was right about opioids
pigs and fishes
is it ok
if I don’t make sense for a little while?
maybe
just maybe
they could listen to me this time
but I don’t think
they
will
that would be ok
but it is hurting people
and I can’t bear that
so I put myself
back in the traces
once in a massage
I thought
I can’t bear this
I am not strong enough
and suddenly I was in a dream world
where my back was enormous
huge
unending
and I thought, oh, I can bear this
thank you
I think
I put myself back in the traces
I am an ox
I plant my hooves
I begin
to pull
hard
pigs and fishes
even as I cry
The photograph is from 2014. Two pairs of glasses frames ago….
I used to smile and nod..smile and nod. Then I would catch someone’s eye and we knew. No need to smile and nod anymore.
I used to describe myself as being “Just off five points on the starboard tack.” Just as an indication that I was close, but not close enough for many people to accept my credentials, or take on things. Where I went to grad school I was not considered “clubable”. I’ve come to appreciate that difference even though there is still some yearning to fit in. It ain’t going to happen. We are who we are.