new again

I get to start again

I have always seen the monsters under the bed
I have to
to survive

you don’t tell people about their monsters

I learn that early

they get angry hit punish send away
and anyhow they leave you even if they love you

when I am alone
we play
the monsters and I

they are so happy to be seen

they cry often
why doesn’t he love me?
why won’t she hold me?
why does he throw me out?
why?

I hold them
dry their tears
cuddle them
wrap them warmly

they cheer up
and play

they never forget
they alert
their person is near
they rush back

sometimes one rejected
returns with seven friends
hoping to storm the person

that doesn’t work

the monsters never lose hope
never

sometimes I see
a person see their monster
let it be conscious
the person is grown enough
to love

I am so used to the monsters
I work with them in clinic
visit after visit
the monsters weeping on my lap
while the person refuses refuses refuses
and sometimes a crack opens
like a portal light blinding
and the monster
is loved

that’s why I am here
what makes it worth staying
Beloved

now I think
I am new again
it’s hard to date
when the monsters are yanking at my skirt
crying howling distracting
and I am hopeful
but it is not my role
it’s not ok
it’s antisocial
to ask about the monsters

I am new again
I won’t date anyone with monsters
that I can see

they must love them first


8 thoughts on “new again

  1. This reminds me of the movie “Monsters Inc” in a gentle way. I was just thinking about how acceptance will work better right now than anything else with a certain teenager (who lives in my home). It’s what I wanted at that age and didn’t get. And now I see the other side too, why my mother acted the way she did. Acceptance of the whole person . . . so simple, and yet so difficult.

    • drkottaway says:

      Thank you very much. I think it’s very complicated to be present for both one’s own feelings and the other person’s feelings. Not choosing theirs or ours, but both. Rather than shutting down the other person’s feelings or my feelings, the sacred space is giving room and honoring both.

    • drkottaway says:

      …I was also thinking that I didn’t know you have a teenager and that it’s a lot of work AND we miss them when they grow up up and away….

      • I actually have two teenagers, although one of them is 19.5, almost done with being one, and in college in Oregon. The other is 15 and is the one I am thinking of currently. I think the most painful part of this is realizing how similar one’s children’s monsters can be to one’s own.

  2. wow is this new? Current?

    Beautiful and so inspiring…

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