Between trapezes

Two and a half years
Between trapezes

Letting go is hard
But then to hang
Wait for the next
On Faith
When you can’t see your way
After a while you aren’t
Flying through the air
But falling

And screaming inside

Free fall
For hours
Days weeks years

In the company of angels
Letting go
Calls the angels
I dream of angels
Falling in a black void

And after a while
You don’t want to fall anymore
And you understand
Those who end it
It takes great strength
To hold on to the idea
That it will end.

Two and a half years
And suddenly my hands are solid
Not falling

Joy wells up
My mind is freed
From the hard work
Of falling and screaming
And I am swinging in the air

Color is back
Food melts in my mouth

Who would not be manic?

previously published on in 2010, written in mid-2000s.

9 thoughts on “Between trapezes

  1. platosgroove says:

    The only sense I can make of it is that it is a manipulation of the population toward more centralization for its own sake. It has little to do with caring for the ones who need the care. I don’t believe the architects are stupid. I think the results are moving toward their original intentions. You and I deal with individuals and real families. They see folks are statistics, numbers on a page. I’m not meaning to be political one way or another. I don’t think the blue ones or the reds ones have any interest in mind past their own power, privilege and maintaining it.

  2. platosgroove says:

    Funny wise and perceptive ending. Loved it.

    • drkottaway says:

      (many thanks)

      • platosgroove says:

        Now to do battle with Medicaid! As we try to fight through the battle lines they’ve established that keep us from the wounded. :) Good day to you mam.

      • drkottaway says:

        http://www.madashelldoctors .com and physicians for a national healthcare program and healthcare now…. part of all of them. I want to treat whoever walks through my door…..
        Also I felt bad about “failing” to “achieve” medicare’s “meaningful use” criteria last year. Until I found out that 240,000 physicians “failed” and we haven’t a clue why and this year medicare will dock us all 1%. I will be surprised if medicare has any doctors left…..

  3. elspethc says:

    This is a wonderful poem. I so like the suggestion in the last line that manic can be loved. Wellness is hard to find in illness. The lines are there – it takes great strength/ To hold on to the idea/ that it will end. You have written a poem that puts love and hate in the one breath. Just like life.

    • drkottaway says:

      oooo I like your poem….
      I am afraid that fog brings up the brain fog I had with sepsis…. lasted from May 30 to mid January. Not sure I can stand to write about it yet.

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