Between trapezes

Two and a half years
Between trapezes

Letting go is hard
Enough
But then to hang
Wait for the next
On Faith
When you can’t see your way
After a while you aren’t
Flying through the air
But falling

Falling
And screaming inside

Free fall
For hours
Days weeks years

In the company of angels
Letting go
Calls the angels
I dream of angels
Falling in a black void

And after a while
You don’t want to fall anymore
And you understand
Those who end it
It takes great strength
To hold on to the idea
That it will end.

Two and a half years
And suddenly my hands are solid
Not falling
Swinging

Joy wells up
My mind is freed
From the hard work
Of falling and screaming
And I am swinging in the air
Safe

Color is back
Sensation
Sound
Music
Taste
Food melts in my mouth

Who would not be manic?

previously published on everything2.com in 2010, written in mid-2000s.

9 thoughts on “Between trapezes

  1. platosgroove says:

    The only sense I can make of it is that it is a manipulation of the population toward more centralization for its own sake. It has little to do with caring for the ones who need the care. I don’t believe the architects are stupid. I think the results are moving toward their original intentions. You and I deal with individuals and real families. They see folks are statistics, numbers on a page. I’m not meaning to be political one way or another. I don’t think the blue ones or the reds ones have any interest in mind past their own power, privilege and maintaining it.

  2. platosgroove says:

    Funny wise and perceptive ending. Loved it.

    • drkottaway says:

      (many thanks)

      • platosgroove says:

        Now to do battle with Medicaid! As we try to fight through the battle lines they’ve established that keep us from the wounded. :) Good day to you mam.

      • drkottaway says:

        http://www.madashelldoctors .com and physicians for a national healthcare program and healthcare now…. part of all of them. I want to treat whoever walks through my door…..
        Also I felt bad about “failing” to “achieve” medicare’s “meaningful use” criteria last year. Until I found out that 240,000 physicians “failed” and we haven’t a clue why and this year medicare will dock us all 1%. I will be surprised if medicare has any doctors left…..

  3. elspethc says:

    This is a wonderful poem. I so like the suggestion in the last line that manic can be loved. Wellness is hard to find in illness. The lines are there – it takes great strength/ To hold on to the idea/ that it will end. You have written a poem that puts love and hate in the one breath. Just like life.

    • drkottaway says:

      oooo I like your poem….
      I am afraid that fog brings up the brain fog I had with sepsis…. lasted from May 30 to mid January. Not sure I can stand to write about it yet.

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