Balancing act

I am working at a site in the greater Seattle area, but I am not going to say where. Why? Two reasons. One is that the patient diversity is huge: the organization is organized to take care of low income, uninsured and immigrant patients. The second is that I am still trying to decide if the balance of the organization is working. It may be working but it might not be working for me.

I am at a large clinic, with primary care, dental, behavioral health, a nutritionist, a pharmacy and three in person translators. In any one day I will probably use translators for at least six languages. English, Spanish, Dari, Hindi, Punjabi, Arabic, French, Somali and sometimes languages that I have to look up the country because I don’t know where that language is spoken. The work is fast and furious.

The overall no show rate is 20%. This makes the day very unpredictable. It can be very very fast and busy with everyone showing up and then later there are three no shows in a row. I think that the no show rate has been less than 20% but on Tuesday it was more. However, everyone showed up in the morning and there was a hospital follow up that should have had 40 minutes and only had 20 and of course then we ran later. My lunch theoretically starts at 12 but I went to lunch at 12:50 and came back 6 minutes late, at 1:06. Then people no showed while I worked to finish off everything from the morning. It did feel a bit nuts.

We are using the electronic medical record EPIC. I find EPIC epically frustrating. It is “feature rich” which means it has too many ways to do things. If I ask someone how to record a phone call to a patient, it takes eight steps. A week later I have to do it again, I ask again, and the next person shows me a DIFFERENT set of eight steps. And there have to be at least eight ways to do anything, so it is very confusing. Also, the “home” page can be personalized to the extent that people look at my version (I have not personalized it much) and say, “Mine looks different. I don’t know how to do that on yours.”

Whew. So, how to cope with the fast furious unpredictable schedule? I am “precharting”. For this Tuesday, I spent 70 minutes going through the patient charts on Saturday. Then I may know why they are coming in, if they had a heart attack two weeks ago and are following up, if it is a well child check and the last one was two years ago, if there are outstanding issues like a elevated liver tests or they have not been in for their out of control diabetes for a year. Then, of course, some of them do not show up. It is so busy that all I feel when someone no shows is some relief, like a ray of sunlight in a dark forest. Ok, the person who was horribly sick and in the hospital for a week and had surgery, they really do need to follow up. But I cannot make them, no one can.

We have live translators, outside translators who come with the patient, family sometimes translates and two phone translation systems. Our live translators cover the following. One Spanish only, one Dari, Arabic and ?maybe Russian. A third language. The third does Hindi, Punjabi and something else. I can’t tell by language who is a recent immigrant or refugee or who is a citizen of the United States for thirty years.

The clinic system has high standards for care of an often vulnerable population. However, I have not decided if it falls into a statement by my grandfather: “The higher the ideals of an organization, the worse its’ human relations.” My job in Alamosa had very high ideals, but I was fifth senior doctor out of 15 in a mere two years. A burnout job. This one has three new doctors coming in soon. My training and assistance to learn EPIC has been sparse and not up to my standards. If the new doctors are treated the same way then this is a burnout job as well. This is a place that I could work in intermittently alternating with other places in the country, but only if it is balanced for both the patients and the physicians. The jury is still out, but there are many red flags. It is a six month job and I am two months in, so we shall see.

Hugs to everyone.

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For the Ragtag Daily Prompt: nuts.

The photograph is from Larrabee State Park this weekend. My daughter came out and saw many of her friends, stayed with me, and we camped for one night at Larrabee.

Love gently

Honey is older, nearly thirty years since that first feeling of being bitten by ants. She is back in corporate medicine, as a temp. Temporary, short term, maybe that will work better.

It is a joy to go in a room and be alone with a person and their monsters. Theirs and hers. Sometimes the younger ones haven’t experienced it, they are terrified if one of their monsters becomes a little bit visible, they hate seeing them. Honey tries to be gentle. If they only want to talk about the sore shoulder and not the stress and violence, well, she leaves the door open a crack. Sometimes the monsters cry.

Older people may be stiff to start with, but when they realize their monsters are seen, acknowledged, this isn’t another robot doctor in to say increase your diabetes medicine, lower your diabetes medicine, tell them a plan without ever connecting, the older ones lean back, sigh, and relax. The monsters play on the floor, Honey’s monsters playing with theirs, happy, engaged.

The hard part is the clinic staff. Honey is with them daily. The medical assistants are young. They kick their monsters aside as they walk down the hall. It is terribly hard and heartbreaking to work at her desk, with the medical assistants’ monsters cowering under their desks, kicked, abused, silent tears and holding bruises. Honey’s monsters mind. They climb into her lap and hide their faces in her shirt, under her jacket, peer over her shoulder. They don’t understand! Why can’t she be nice to THESE monsters?

Honey whispers to her monsters when the medical assistants are rooming patients. “I am so sorry, loves. If I acknowledge these, the monsters of the women working, I become a demon. It is very hard to share an office, no wonder I worked in a clinic alone for eleven years.” Honey has been through that. It is still inconceivable that some people don’t see the monsters at all. Is it learned blindness? Or just not developed unless someone had to learn it? Unless someone grows up in terror and seeing the monsters is the only way to survive.

Honey thinks some people learn to see them as adults, at least their own monsters. Hard enough to do that, without seeing the monsters clinging to other people.

Honey is tired of her monsters crying in sympathy with the staff’s monsters. She thinks maybe there are small crumbs that she can leave for these demons. Little gifts. Her monsters can creep under the desk when she is the only one in the room and leave something. A flower. A dust bunny. A crumb of a crisp. A small rock. A little gift to let them know they are seen and loved. A poem. A prayer. Just a tiny bit of love.

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For the Ragtag Daily Prompt: crisp.

The photograph is me all dressed up for the 1940s ball.

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Bolster meaning

It did not even occur to me that yesterday’s dream could be taken as complaints about patients! That was not my meaning!

I wrote the dream out because I wanted to know what it was trying to tell me. And I look at it from the perspective of all the people in the dream being aspects of myself.

So who is the whiny guy (me) who won’t cooperate with authority (me) and who wants attention and is difficult? That’s not a very nice aspect of myself!

First of all, he reminds me of my father. My father really did not like authority and did not like most men. When I was quite small, I announced that he would have to die first, because he couldn’t live without my mother, but she could live without him. I was wrong as well as being an awkward child. My father’s dislike of authority interfered with his employment and he was mostly underemployed. He finished a Master’s in Mathematics, but never wrote the thesis for his PhD. I asked him why once and he said, “I was bored.” I don’t know how much alcohol interfered with his working.

I am not brilliant with authority either, though I am trying. I notice systems and often annoy authority by asking why something is run a certain (foolish and unproductive) way. I used to study whatever system I was in and then say, “Here, I’ve thought up a solution for this problem.” Then I would get in trouble for suggesting that there was a problem and I would be the problem. I learned to go to authority first and ask, “So is this (huge problem) a problem? I find it difficult. What is your advice?” Priming the pump, so to speak.

As a temp, the authority problem is weirder. I am an outsider, short term, no one really has to be nice to me. That fast trip home and back made me realize that I am lonelier in a group clinic than I was in a solo clinic. In my solo clinic there was me, my receptionist and the patients. In this group clinic I have less people to talk to and it is lonely. My problem, not theirs. They are about to move me to another clinic and I will see what approach I can take to this. The system might have a Balint Group or I may be able to start one.

What about the frozen looking spouse? Ha, I think that’s the part of me that is trying to keep my mouth shut with authority. The kids? Some days I want to pull the system apart and fix it, but I am not in authority to do that here. The grumpy nurse? I am running behind and I can’t fix everyone. Some people don’t want to be fixed, including me.

I could go home and try another place. However, I think that the cracks in the US medical system are in the whole system. As a country, we built this. I hope that I see single payer healthcare in my lifetime, but I may not. And Martha is right too: I thought that this place was doing better handling a chronic illness than where I worked in 2021, but they aren’t, really. They apply a formula, but the patients don’t get much out of it. They just get shuffled in once every three months. I did upset that apple cart by spending more time with those people and talking to them, but I do not know what the next physician will do. Sigh. The patients are already my patients and are saying goodbye.

For the Ragtag Daily Prompt: meaning.