Eating sunlight

Beloved
I don’t think I can bear this
It’s a good plan
To work five more years
And retire in better financial shape
House paid off
But it hurts so

My tattered bruised and battered heart
Already patched so many times
And to see so many people each day
Hurting

Why, Beloved?
Why don’t we mature?

Maybe I’ll be a tree again
Living wood
That bends and moves with the wind
That eats the sunlight
Drinks the rain
Endures the snow and drinks it as it melts
Until spring comes
And I stir and start to bud
Deciding when it’s time
To uncurl leaves in warm sun

_______________________

For the Ragtag Daily Prompt illusion. Or should it be delusion? Or survival? Or beyond that to peace?

Concord

my heart is broken
love doesn’t conquer all
unselfish love
unreturned
unrequited
opens me to wound after wound
some turn from love no matter what
cling to the lies they tell themselves
cling to the poison they embrace
turn from love into the uncaring bottle
turn from love into the insensate smoke
turn from love even to the grave

I wish my heart would let them go
and heal

__________________

My friend Liz took the photograph, half way through the Rainshadow Chorale concert last Sunday.

Listen

There is anger and blame and silence.
People talk about each other.
People talk about others.
What is truth? What is rumor?
No one wants to listen.
They want to blame.

I do not see
I do not feel
I do not hear
how to heal this, Beloved
if no one will listen.

Only love.
Anger drains away.
I send love
Into the anger
Into the blame
Into the echoing silence.

On guard

My nurse’s breath catches. “Oh, no,” she says.

I am new here. Less than a year. “What?” I say.

“We have Janna Birchfield on the schedule.”

“Who is Janna Birchfield?”

Tonna leans back in her chair at the nurse’s station, a high set desk that runs behind the front office. We have new glass barriers along it to make it more hipaa compliant. It is also more claustrophobic. She throws her pen down. “She’s one of the most hostile people here. She’s known for throwing a brick through her second doctor’s plate glass window.”

“Ah,” I say.

“She was Dr. M’s patient but apparently she and Dr. K got in a screaming fight in the hallway. She is banned from that clinic. So we are the last clinic in town.”

My nurse knows the local stories and she has seen a lot. She doesn’t have a lot of unconscious monsters. Yeah, there is some impatience and some anger there, but she’s pretty good. No real fear, nothing cringing at her feet.

“Hmm. Let me talk to Marnie.” Marnie is our office manager.

Marnie and I talk. I read the last notes from Dr. M and an account of the screaming fight with Dr. K. I call Dr. K. I don’t know of anything that scares her and she is tough. I rather enjoy envisioning her yelling back at this patient.

The day arrives and Mrs. Birchfield is put in a room. Vitals are done. I go in.

Janna Birchfield is big. She weighs about twice what I do, and it’s muscle rather than fat. She looks solid. Not like a body builder, just strong. She tops me by nearly a foot. She looks sullen and unfriendly.

And I am looking at her monsters. Three are guarding a fourth, at her feet. Fear is there, anger is the biggest and posturing, like a body builder, in front. The third is morphing back and fourth: envy and hostility. The fourth is in a stroller, guarded by the other three. Asleep? Unconscious? Well, yes, duh, but it’s not often that a monster is so undeveloped that it is still an infant. Not good.

“Hi, Miz Birchfield. I am Dr. Gen.” I hold out my hand, moving slowly and smoothly. Her monsters alert, fear flinching and anger ready to punch. I stand with my hand out. She eventually touches it, glaring.

“Hi,” sullen.

“We need to talk about the clinic rules first.” I say calmly. Anger puffs up and her shoulders rise as the monster swells and takes control, her elbows rising and hands are fists. Her eyes don’t turn red, but nearly. “I have heard about your argument with Dr. K.”

Furious voice, “She screamed at me. She’s a horrible doctor! She got me thrown out!”

I am smooth and calm, “I am not going to discuss Dr. K,” I say. Honestly, it’s even more fun to think of Dr. K taking this on and not budging an inch. Dr. K is my size, small. “In this clinic, I need you to understand that you are not allowed to yell at anyone at the front desk, in the hallways or on the phone.” Anger flees immediately, small again and she looks confused. “You may not yell at the staff, at the other patients, or at anyone on the clinic property.”

“Why would I agree to that?” she says. She is mostly confused because I am not scared or angry. I am not behaving the way she expects, the way most people behave around her.

“If you are upset, the only people you can yell at are me or the office manager and you need an appointment.”

“They are rude to me!” Basically she means everyone. “You can’t make me do that!”

“Take it or leave it.” I say. “You need to agree and keep the agreement, or we will discharge you immediately. If you say no, leave now, and I won’t charge for the visit.”

Her monsters are confused. Anger has shrunk back down and they are conferring, heads together. Confusion has shown up as well, morphing though different colors and stripes, stars and paisleys. She stares at me, frozen hostility. I just wait, sitting in front of my laptop, serene. This is going well. She isn’t yelling and she hasn’t left.

“What if they are mean?” she says.

“You will make an appointment with me or the office manager, and we will help you.”

“Ok,” she says. The monsters are still surrounding the carriage, but really, now confusion is in charge. We work through the rest of the visit, as I get to know her a little. She has had a hard, hard life.

I let the front office and the nurses know the rules. The office manager and I let them know that this is a contract with the patient and she has agreed. They feel protected. They feel protected enough that they are nice to her. She behaves and starts, infinitesimally, to relax. She is still angry and hostile in the exam room but it’s not directed at me. It is directed at the entire world, the rest of the world outside the clinic. I try to help her medically but also let the monsters have their say. The visits start with anger and hostility but tend to subside into confusion. I am not getting at the fear or whatever is in the stroller. It is one of the large old fashioned ones, heavy, navy blue, where an infant can lie flat. Clearly it does not fold up to go in a car or anywhere else convenient. There are no toys hanging from the top or across it, no stuffed animals. Only a form under the blankets, always still.

I may reach that form, or not. I do not know.

For the Ragtag Daily Prompt: paleontology.

Sisyphus

Sometimes clinic feels a bit like Sisyphus must feel. Rolling the stone of illness up the hill but it is eternally rolling back down. I can’t stop it. People age and people die and otherwise there would be no room for young ones.

The last two weeks of clinic has worn me out a bit. A friend says that I take too much of it home, worrying about people. How to let go of this?

I make connections in clinic. Not all the time. Sometimes I fail. I made a connection with more than one person with diabetes this week, but one was funny. The connection is that he mentioned that he is an elk hunter. Oh, and flies to California to fish and has a very lot of fish. I said that I’ve had elk and like it. That was when the connection engaged: he was very pleased that I am not horrified by hunting. Hunting elk is not at all easy or cheap and cleaning the animal and carrying it out, well. He is coming back about his diabetes and left cheerful.

If I go home trailing those connections and spend my time worrying about this people, I’ll wear out. I don’t want pneumonia number five. So how do I connect but let it go when I go home?

I will think of the connection as much smaller than the boulder that Sisyphus deals will. Not a boulder. A small piece of the rock. I can suggest how the person can lighten the load a little. Then I must stand aside and let them go. They have to decide what to do about their health. It is between them and the Beloved, they can try what I say or not.

Now it is not a boulder that I am trying to keep from rolling down a mountain. Each person has their own mountain to climb in their life, their own habits and histories, good or bad, trailing them like Marley’s Ghost in A Christmas Carol. I can suggest a tool to loosen a link of diabetes, or a slightly different trail up the mountain. Then it is up to them. I can’t carry them and should not carry them. Maybe they are approaching a patch of scree and I can suggest an easier or safer path. And then stand aside, stand down, let the people go.

Now I am not pushing a huge rock. I am standing on my own mountain, quiet, and looking at the path behind. I am resting a little and on my own path. I don’t know what will be around the next bend in the path. But I love the mountain and the forests and the birds and the ocean. All of it.

Thank you, oh Best Beloved.

For the Ragtag Daily Prompt: olympics!

Adverse Childhood Experiences 15: Guidelines

I wrote Adverse Childhood Experiences 14: Hope quite a while ago.

The American Academy of Pediatrics has a guideline that physicians should introduce and screen for Adverse Childhood Experiences. The American Academy of Family Practice is skeptical, here: https://www.aafp.org/pubs/afp/issues/2014/1215/p822.html. Here are two more writeups: https://www.aafp.org/pubs/afp/issues/2020/0701/p55.html and https://www.aafp.org/pubs/fpm/blogs/inpractice/entry/screen_for_aces.html.

It is difficult to screen for ACE scores for the same reason that it is difficult to screen for domestic violence and to talk about end of life plans. These are difficult topics and everyone may be uncomfortable. Besides, what can we DO about it? If growing up in trauma wires someone’s brain differently, what do we do?

I don’t frame it as the person being “damaged”. Instead, I bring up the ACE score study and say that first I congratulate people for surviving their childhood. Good job! Congratulations! You have reached adulthood! Now what?

With a high ACE score comes increased risk of addictions (all of them), mental health diagnoses (same) and chronic disease. Is this a death sentence? Should we give up? No, I think there is a lot we can do. I frame this as having “survival” brain wiring instead of “Leave it to Beaver” brain wiring. The need to survive difficulties and untrustworthy adults during childhood can set up behavior patterns that extend into adulthood. Are there patterns that we want to change and that are not serving us as adults?

This week a person said that they blow up too easily. Ah, that is one that I had to work on for years. Medical training helps but also learning that anger often covers other feelings: grief, fear, shame. I had to work to uncover those feelings and learn to feel them instead of anger. Anger can function as a boundary in childhood homes where there are not adult role models, or where the adults behave one way when sober and an entirely different way when impaired and under the influence. There may be lip service to behave a certain way but if the adult doesn’t behave, it is pretty confusing. And then the adult may not remember or be in denial or try to blame someone else, including the child, for “causing” them to be impaired.

What if someone had a “normal” childhood but the trauma all hit as a young adult? I think adults can have trauma that changes the brain too. PTSD in non-military is most often caused by motor vehicle accidents. At least, that is what I was told in the last PTSD talk I went to. Now that overdose deaths have overtaken motor vehicle accidents as the top death by accident yearly in the US, I wonder if having a fentenyl death in the family causes PTSD. Certainly it causes trauma and grief and anger and shame.

I agree with the American Academy of Pediatrics that we should screen for Adverse Childhood Experiences. We need training in how to talk about it and how to respond. I have had people tell me that their childhood was fine and then later tell me that one or both parents were alcoholics. The “fine” childhood might not have been quite as fine as reported initially. One of the hallmarks of addiction families is denial: not happening, we don’t talk about it, everything is fine. Maybe it is not fine after all. If we can learn to talk to adults about the effects on children and help people to change even in small ways, I have hope that we will help children. We can’t prevent all trauma to children, but we can mitigate it. All the ACE scores rose during the Covid pandemic and we are still working on how to help each other and ourselves.

Here is another article: https://www.aafp.org/pubs/fpm/issues/2019/0300/p5.html.

Blessings.

For the Ragtag Daily Prompt: open wound.

The photograph is one of Elwha’s cat art installations. He would pile toys on his bowl. Two bowels because I need to keep out the little ants. Sol Duc would do it too but not as often. I fed them in separate rooms. They would pile things on the bowl whether there was food left or not.

Elwha is still missing, sigh. That is a wound. The photographs are from March 2023.

Diabetes update

Friday I attended a Zoom diabetes update all day. Sigh. We are really doing diabetes wrong.

Diabetes affected every system in the body and so the guidelines want us to check everything. They made the point that controlled diabetes does NOT lead to blindness, kidney failure, and amputations. Only uncontrolled diabetes. There, do we feel better now?

There are three NEW things to check for. One is CHF, aka Congestive Heart Failure. Heart Failure is pump failure. It makes a lot more sense if you think of the heart as a pump. Diabetes doubles the risk of heart failure in men and increases it by five times in women. We are now to do a yearly BNP (Brain Natriuretic Peptide, got that?) except that it is useless if the person is in renal failure, because that raises it artificially.

The second NEW thing is liver problems. Liver failure is back in the top ten causes of death, having fallen off that list for a while. People drank more alcohol during COVID, there was more drug abuse adding to hepatitis B and C, but the biggest cause is NASH and NAFLD. More acronyms: NASH is Nonalchoholic Steatohepatitis and NAFLD is Nonalcoholic Fatty Liver Disease. This is related to overweight and obesity. Being overweight or obese messes up fat storage and over time this inflames the liver and then cells die, leading to cirrhosis. We are to watch liver tests, think about an ultrasound, and then there are two specific tests for cirrhosis.

Third NEW thing is Diabetes Distress. This is not depression. People score “depressed” on the PHQ-9 test, but don’t respond to anti-depressants. The lecturer said that we have to talk to the patient and find out why they are distressed, or what part of diabetes is getting them down. I thought that we should have been talking to the patient all along. There is a convenient 30 question tool we can use for this, if we have time. Will we?

Now, the old guidelines said that we are to check these things:

HgbA1C every 6 months if not on insulin, every 3 months on insulin and even more in pregnant patients.

Microalbumin/creatinine ratio: a urine test that tells us if the kidneys are starting to leak albumin. They shouldn’t.

Yearly eye test to check for diabetes damage.

Specific blood pressure ranges.

Keep everyone’s LDL cholesterol under 70. So nearly every person with diabetes gets a statin drug.

Do a foot check yearly for neuropathy.

So six things plus the new three. Can’t explain that in one visit and can’t do it in one visit either. I think we should revamp the Diabetes Distress tool and check if physicians and nurses have Guideline Distress. Diabetes is the most complicated set of guidelines other than pregnancy.

Diabetes also takes a lot of time for the person who has it. To check things “correctly”, it takes a minimum of two hours a day for Type II not on insulin and more like three or more for Type I and II on insulin. Think if you have to take two or three or more hours away from your current daily activities and devote it to diabetes. No wonder people are distressed.

The medicines are also confusing. Wegovy is in the same class as Ozempic, but is FDA approved only for weight loss in people who are overweight and have a complication, or people who are obese. Ozempic is for diabetes but people often lose weight so think about it if the person is overweight. Some of the medicines in that class also are approved to reduce the risk of heart disease, which goes up with diabetes. Another class has medicines some of which have approval for diabetes and others for diabetes and renal problems, BUT don’t use it if the eGFR is under 20, got that? The lecturer on medicines said that we’ll see less in each of those classes after they fight it out for dominance of the market. He’s been an endocrinologist for 30 years and remembers when the very first non-insulin medicine was approved. Cool! He is not discouraged, but another lecturer said that we have one endocrinologist for 5000 people with diabetes, which is not enough. We were encouraged to do more continuing medical education.

There is one guideline that I disagree with and would like to see changed. I will write about that next. After I memorize all of the different things the new medicines do, which is changing every month as new research comes out! Stay tuned!

I think I will put the clutch in and coast a bit. Or perhaps clutch handfuls of hair and pull at them, I don’t know.

For the Ragtag Daily Prompt: clutch.

I hiked again yesterday and had a very cooperative bunny stop for a snack in camera range.

Pneumonia makes me slenderize

Pneumonia makes me slenderize
I feel like I’ve been blenderized
Steals my breath and appetite
Work to breathe both day and night
My heart goes fast, trials one to four
I’d rather not have any more
Ten pounds down, gone like smoke
Carbohydrates make me choke
The legacy of my fourth round
I can’t eat gluten, ounce nor pound
And yet I still come out ahead
Since I am alive and still not dead

_____________________________________

Four pneumonias in 24 years. I have an antibody response, which peaks about six weeks after the infection. Colds don’t trigger it. This photograph is two months in to my 2021 round. I drop ten pounds in the first week and eating is always difficult. I do not recommend this method of weight loss.

For the Ragtag Daily Prompt: slenderize.

Home Hurrah!

New Year’s Eve was a travel day for me, flying from Dulles to SeaTac. This time my checked bag came along and did not divert to party in Chicago, as it did on the trip out. I had a wonderful two weeks in Arlington, Virginia and Rockville, MD with old friends and my son and daughter-in-law and daughter. Very kind friends picked me up at SeaTac and drove me the two hours home. I slept for three hours on the plane and another hour in the car. The pair of socks on yesterday’s Ragtag is for one of the two people who picked me up.

The plane was about 40 minutes early and the airport was impressively empty. There was some traffic on I5, but it was not crazy. There was quite a bit of fog all the way home.

Yesterday morning we went to the climbing gym for the second time in the two weeks. I had not climbed in maybe three years? And I have never done a lot.

The rest of my family climbs like squirrels and spiders. I currently climb more like a panicked sloth, but I did a 5, a 5.6 and a 5.7 the first day. Yesterday I planned to take it easy, but I roped up for one and it was the wrong one, so I tried a 5.8. My family was clambering up 5.11s. Whew. It was really fun and loads of fun to watch them. And hurrah that I can climb some after Long Covid and two years with unhappy muscles!

Peace and joy to you and yours.

For the Ragtag Daily Prompt: Hurrah!

Car situation

What did happen in my situation?

I am worried that a car will come around the corner and hit the car partway in the street. Plus, what if there is a medical situation? A heart attack, or drugs, or alcohol, or a seizure? I want help. I call 911. The dispatcher asks for the license plate and if I can see anyone inside. I give her the plate, but the car is fogged up, so I can’t see inside. This does make it more likely that someone is alive inside, but they could still be ill.

I wait, but I am anxious. I text my neighbor and ask if he will come back me up while I bang on the car. He comes out, but the police have just arrived. We wave and go back inside. I do peek out. There is a fairly young man and a dog, who get out of the car. He can walk without difficulty. They don’t move the car. The policeman leaves, then calls me. He says that the person is having an allergic reaction and is waiting to move his car until he can see. The car will be gone by the afternoon.

“Oh, thank you!” I say. “Can I take him coffee?”

“That would be nice.”

I go out and ask if he wants coffee. He does. I take him a cup and he leaves it on my steps. The car is gone later, so I hope he is much better. It’s lucky that he is on our side street rather than the faster main one. More chance of an accident there.

I did feel like a little old lady complaining about a strange car, but I was worrying about something medical more than a stranger. And with the possibility of alcohol or methamphetamines or opioids, I want help. We had an overdose death in our hospital parking lot within the last few years and our police have nalaxone to reverse opioids. I am very glad that it was not an overdose.

________________________________

For the Ragtag Daily Prompt: situation.

The photograph is my 1986 Honda Civic, not the car in the story.