Even when I go through hell on earth
mother dies, marriage crumbles
sister cancer, father cries
divorce, sister dies
pneumonia, pneumonia, pneumonia
can’t breathe and still have to defend myself
when accused of crazy and reported
Bitch is not a psychiatric disorder
hypoxia is not a psychiatric disorder
my cousin helps my niece to sue me
I never thought my family would have lawsuits
never
yet my sister sets them to explode
after she dies
I don’t quite die
though it is pretty rough
and grief tears at my throat
like a wolf, like a lion
like a hyena,
piranhas
I have two children and I stay
because they do not deserve this mess
I guard and fight and stay present
And there is laughter
even in hell
I time a comment and my daughter
snorts milk out her nose
I tell my children I shouldn’t handle knives
because of a meeting at work
“Five against one?” says my son
“Yes,” I say
“Well, they didn’t have enough people, did they?”
And I laugh and we go out to dinner.
Is this my fault?
Is it something I did?
The marriage was me, yes,
I do two years of counseling
trying to understand
I can’t change it
but maybe I can understand
A sort of a friend
ok
a false friend
a liar
says he never changes.
I say I always try to learn
I want to know
I want to grow
how can he not grow?
how can he refuse to learn?
he doesn’t talk to me any more
he stops speaking to people forever
but
there is no forever
there is now and the Beloved
and the dark and the light are united
after death
will you be a proton
or an electron
or gravity?
There are hells on earth
worse than mine
prayers
I send prayers
for the innocents
everyone was newborn
and innocent
once
KO Rural Mad As Hell Blog 
As Sartre said, Hell is other people. Family is a conundrum. My closest friend here is dealing with a nightmare she didn’t know existed until she went to visit everyone.
I am sorry for your friend!
It sucks. She wonders what’s wrong with her. Nothing is wrong with her.
Yes, but when she talks about it some “friends” will be fair weather and avoid her.
Yep there are those people. I not one. I think there’s a lot of stuff she can’t talk about, too. Anyway, I’m hanging in because I love this woman. She’s sterling AND I think it’s more common in more peoples’ lives than we know. I said something at our recent tea party that one of our friends couldn’t understand and that pissed her off. People are ciphers…
Or it may be stuff she can’t talk about at all.
You have had to deal with a lot, but you are not to blame. I understand with losing someone. I was the same when my sister died, because she was too young and Cancer is a cruel disease. Focussing in the positives isn’t always easy, but it is something that helps.
Thank you.